Hello, Anita.

It’s been a roller coster the past few days. I had really terrible thoughts, so negative about what I’m going to end up like, e.g.: when I saw a homeless person or a guy smoking marijuana. My brain told me this was how I was going to end up.

I still went to a job interview for a receptionist, I didn’t feel good there, still the same thoughts.

After that I realized maybe others are right and I DO have depression and should take better care of myself.

In the afternoon, I went to another job interview for a social worker. I had the feeling that I should have gone there, although now I’m in two minds about it as I don’t think if working with disabled or sick people would serve me well right now. Nevermind, I got back home and I started noticing a few things about mum (I think the woman at the job interview mirrored some of her/mine beliefs maybe).

I wrote down:

– if only she (and dad) liked me as much as they like pubs (I went to a pub for the meeting and felt like at home :D)
– I don’t say sorry because of her, because every time I apologized for something I didn’t do, she didn’t take and it didn’t help (after I first quit school, I had to push myself to even say sorry or thank you to somebody)
– if I’m not her, she won’t like me (if I’m not a good cook, do all the chores, wear clothes she may like..)
– I have nothing to offer (when she noticed I buttoned my sheets the wrong way, I looked for the zipper and suddenly I didn’t feel like a f* assistant but a person with his own opinion and voice) I then realized that I didn’t do anything for myself, not even school or hobbies.

There definitely was a reason to “quit” in March, though not my job, but mum (as you were saying, obviously). So.. something tells me to take the social worker job, but I’m afraid you know, it’s mentally difficult.. but maybe there are some lessons to learn for me.

The things is that I don’t know what helped, whether it was medicine that started working more, the job interviews or the fact that I slept at my friend’s yesterday (and have the option to stay there this week).

Wow, your story is very similar. The homeless thing has been in my mind for a long time. I don’t know if moving out is the solution, meaning not seeing her, because the problem is more the “mum in me” than her as a living person. She just said that we have run out of eggs, the first thing that popped in my mind to say was “I can get it tomorrow after my night shift,”, I stayed quiet, then “or we can get it during the week at the mall”, still stayed quiet, than I said to myself “fuck it, it’s not really my problem, I didn’t cause it, it’s not my fault” and suddenly the sentence she said had nothing to do with me and her voice didn’t sound negative at all, just stating things.

Wow. And you didn’t talk to her? I don’t want to hurt her by saying “it’s all your fault, I’m out, not gonna talk to you”. I want a healthy relationship with her, a relationship of two independent people..

I think I wanna rush things because of the entrance exam being held next week, I don’t want to throw my chances for a good career because of what happened.. though it’s just and exam, I can go there and then decide not study if I change my mind..

Hello, Anita. Things are bad again.. The problem is that I realized that I’ve been identifying myself with other people a lot. Mostly men, when I thought they had some special role in my life (too much reading of Tiny Buddha imho), I took it too far. Now I have no idea how to be ME. I’m quite afraid, so I wrote an e-mail to my psychiatrist if he can see me tomorrow..