Home→Forums→Relationships→Did I move too fast? Now I’m stuck
- This topic has 8 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 2 months ago by Airene.
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September 23, 2018 at 9:37 am #226811JoeParticipant
hello. New to this. Don’t really have anyone to talk to that I can air this out. So here it goes.
I’be been dating my girlfriend for almost 8 months now. She is a wonderful person with a huge heart. I love her, however not as much or the same that she loves me. I’ve been hurt real bad In the past and it is hard for me to allow myself to be that vulnerable again.
A little about each of us. She is a 40 yr old mother of two (8&9) that’s the father has not been in the picture pretty much the entire time. Nothing. No visits no support of any kind. Nothing. Her kids are beautiful, but they are a handful probably 75% of the time. She does work but doesn’t make a lot of $. She has made poor career choices and now it’s coming back to haunt her. Her income is too much for any real kind of help but not enough to survive on with two kids.
Me… I’m a 45 yr old single father with two (8&12) kiddos I getthem 50/50 their mother and I get along like best friends we help each other when needed My kids aren’t the greatest either, but seem like angles compared to my girlfriends kids I make pretty good money I have supported myself and my kids and been able to do extra things. I have a good career
So we have decided to move in together about 4 weeks ago. She is moving in here. It has been a bit crazy. But it’s been okay.
Well my problem is this. I’m now feeling stuck. I end up watching her kids a lot for her so she can work. (She works some nights and weekends). It’s a lot harder than I thought. I almost feel like we never had the honeymoon stage in our relationship. We just went to the married stage. We have only been out together alone a few times and have never been on a overnight trip together by ourselves or with the kids. I’m afraid I jumped into this and now I don’t know what to do.
I do love her. But I need more than she can give at this time.
In my past relationships I would do things with my ex’s frequently. Weekend retreats. Spontaneous trips. Or just full weekends alone at my house.
I have come to realize that I miss that tremendously and feel like I’m in a never ending tunnel of looking to the way far away future in anticipation of what it can or will be like someday.
I feel like I’m never going to have that again and almost like I’ve settled.
When we made the decision to live together it felt right. Now I don’t know. I know it’s still real fresh and takes time to adjust. But I’m afraid that I may have made the wrong decision.
Unfortunatley asking her to leave is not an option. Beside the huge thing(we both have kids ), she can’t afford to live on her own. She was barely doing it before and doesn’t have any where to go.
I’m really worried I screwed up. Irony know what to do. I need some advice. Feel free to ask any questions.
Tha k you.
September 24, 2018 at 11:11 am #227111AnonymousGuestDear Joe:
If asking her to leave is not an option, maybe you can leave and she and her children can continue to live where you are living? I don’t know if you make enough money to afford such an arrangement.
Maybe instead of you babysitting her children, a child care can be arranged, some subsidized childcare, financed by a government agency helping single mothers?
How are your children getting along (0r do they?) with your girlfriend and her children? Are they okay with this new arrangement, I wonder.
anita
September 25, 2018 at 6:26 am #227391JoeParticipantneither of us have an option to leave. where i’m living, my rent is really cheap. I couldn’t afford another place big enough for all of my stuff and she couldn’t afford my place on her own.
She makes just barely too much for daycare assistance.
our kids get along great (well like siblings. LOL) My kids love her and her kids love me. We all get along good. I just don’t have that 100% all in love feeling with her like i should. I’ve had that once before in my lifetime. It was pure bliss while it lasted and still hurts knowing i lost it and may never feel that again.
With her, i do love her and care for her. But i just don’t have that ” i would do anything to be with her” feeling. Like if she was to leave me tomorrow, i would be hurt and upset. I wouldn’t be crushed though and i probably wouldn’t go chasing after her.
She does feel like that about me though. I think i know exactly how she feels, because I felt that with someone else a long time ago. It is an amazing feeling. I wish I could feel like that about her, but maybe it will take more time and once we get settled better and more of a routine with the kids and work to where we can enjoy each other more it will get better.
Maybe it is like i said, i’m missing the alone time with her. Her and i never really had that “honeymoon stage” together. We never had a chance with her having her kids 24/7. At this point, i don’t see us having that chance for at least another 6 more months. Where as in my past relationships, it was almost every other weekend I was doing something. Something different or spontaneous. Now, we have to find a sitter for her kids and that is like pulling teeth just finding someone to watch them for a day, let alone a whole weekend.
It’s hard because i know if we had that time alone we should have, that i would feel different. Now it feels like we’ve been married for 10 years and we are just getting by until the day comes we can have our time. I’m not trying to be selfish, in fact I know she wants this as bad or more than I do. But I want it now! I want to be able to hop in the truck and go spend the night somewhere on a minutes notice, or plan a weekend retreat with out stressing about spending $200 for someone to watch her kids over the weekend and then stressing the whole weekend if they aren’t good or having to worry about being home at a certain time.
I went from being free to do what ever i wanted every other week to tied down and not doing anything, she went from stressing about someone watching her kids so she could work, to having me there whenever and not having to stress about it anymore.
I do wish we would of waited to move in together. I felt like at the time it was the right decision, now i’m afraid that it wasn’t. That we should of spent more time apart and only special time together first, instead of me just hanging out at her house with her and her kids.
I think we really needed that time. It does feel like we fight a lot now also. We always make up and all of that, but it does feel like almost every day, there is something that we argue about. In my last relationship, we hardly fought at all, in my marriage before that, we fought here and there, but nothing like as much as i do now.
Very frustrating and concerning to me. I do want this to work out. I can see a very happy life with her. But if i’m not feeling happy now and feeling held down and like i’m forced into this situation that i caused. how is that supposed to get better. To make things worse, her work changed her schedule for the next two months for her to work 4PM to 2AM Sunday thru Thursday. So that means i will be a “single daddy” to her kids those days for almost two months. I’m worried that that might be my breaking point. I guess we will see what happens.
What is really messed up, if this would of been my last girlfriend. I would of done it in a heartbeat. I would of relocated to another city if needed without question. I wish i could have that feeling with my girlfriend now. I just don’t think we’ve had enough alone time to build what we need together. Seriously i could count on one hand how many nights alone(just the two of us) have had together since we met (8 months ago)
September 25, 2018 at 8:04 am #227419AnonymousGuestDear Joe:
Regarding that feeling: “I just don’t have that ‘I would do anything to be with her’ feeling. Like if she was to leave me tomorrow I would be hurt and upset. I wouldn’t be crushed though and I probably wouldn’t go chasing after her”- reads to me that it is a good thing that you don’t have that feeling. Not being crushed is a good thing.
“It is an amazing feeling”, you wrote. So is the feeling one gets after taking a narcotic for the first time, an amazing feeling. But it is only a feeling. It doesn’t mean it is healthy to take a narcotic and it doesn’t mean the woman is right for you just because you have that amazing feeling.
Plus, I don’t think anyone on the face of the earth was able to maintain any amazing feeling about anything for too long. Eventually it goes away.
Regarding her kids and yours getting along, her kids getting along with you and yours with her, that is very meaningful, a very good thing.
The fighting is not a good thing.
You wrote: “I went from being free to do what ever I wanted every other week to tied down and not doing anything, she went from stressing about someone watching her kids so she could work, to having me there whenever and not having to stress about it anymore”. What you described here is a Lose-Win part of this relationship: you lost freedom (which causes you stress) and she gained relief from stress.
A relationship to work over time, it has to be a Win-Win prospect. One cannot be on the Losing end for too long and be happy about it. What do you think?
anita
September 26, 2018 at 4:17 am #227573AireneParticipantHello Joe,
I’m wondering…have you shared your concerns with your girlfriend? Have you expressed to her that you are not happy about being a single daddy for the next month? Have you said to her that you need some one on one time with her? Are the arguments you have with her about surface things? Or are they about the situation at hand?
I don’t think it helps to compare your current relationship to a past relationship. She is a different person, with different circumstances.
What you’re feeling isn’t much different than any married couple who has kids. Do you think the kids (yours and hers) are at ages where they can start to learn to fend for themselves? I don’t mean leaving the four of them alone for a weekend – but can you start teaching them how to be independent so that in a year or two (maybe less) you will be able to spend an evening out with no sitter, and eventually, have an overnight, and then eventually, a weekend away. You could also try to arrange sleepovers for her kids, giving you a break on the weekends you don’t have your kids. Just a thought.
I agree with Anita that in order for a relationship to work over time, it needs to be win-win. The two of you need to talk in order to understand what you each need.
Airene
- This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by Airene.
September 26, 2018 at 9:26 am #227627JoeParticipantAirene, we have talked about everything. I have expressed to her that I do miss being able to do whatever, whenever. Even on the weeks or weekends when i have my kids if something popped up, i could usually find a place for them.
With her kids, there is no one else. her family says they will watch them, but when ever we ask there is always an excuse or time limit.
She does feel stress because she feels like her and her kids are a burden on me now.
I think our fights are surface related, however i know for me i feel some resentment about everything and that causes me to be angry or upset which doesn’t help. I feel bad because i know she is doing everything she can, but i feel like i need more than she can give or will be able to give.
I do feel like a married couple with kids and no time for us. The problem is that we never had that time with each other alone to really get as close or connect like we should. I had that once before and it was amazing. I want that with my girlfriend now. I do fear if we don’t get that, then i won’t be able to last long enough for it to blossom into what it can be.
September 28, 2018 at 4:09 am #227887AireneParticipantHello Joe,
You say you do want this to work out, and you can see a happy life with her. What is your vision of that happy life?
September 28, 2018 at 12:10 pm #227971JoeParticipantMy vision of a happy life….
Well that would be being independent financially. (not struggling with money every payday for both of us-Ive been helping her a lot lately get caught up on her bills). Being able to spend significant amounts of time alone with her. Going away for weekends here and there, going out to dinner and a night out, spending time just the two of us at home. Spontaneous trips or drives to the mountain or the coast. Doing fun things with the kids without arguing with them or fighting. Having my freedom to do things by myself or with my friends when i can. Coming home, smiling, feeling happy. Not feeling overwhelmed and like i’m in a never-ending circle of the same thing every day. Like I’m grounded all the time.
We got into a pretty big fight last night. We talked about a lot. I did tell her that i need “us” time. That i don’t know how long i can last if we don’t get it. That hurt her pretty bad, but i had to be honest. She wants all that too and feels horrible that she can’t give it to me, to us.
Honestly right now, i don’t know if i will be able to do this long term. I don’t know if i will be able to sit idle and not enjoy life like i used to. I’m not trying to compare her to my old relationship. However in my last one, she did not have young kids and was able to get away quite a bit. We would spend on average 1 weekend away per month together. spend probably 3 weekends every month either me staying there or her here. Just the two of us. We did lots of day trips together and with my kids. It was great. It felt like i was finally living life. Being in my mid 40’s i never had that before.
Now I seriously feel like i’m imprisoned at my home. I don’t do anything fun or exciting anymore. I do understand part of blending a family with a single mother with no support of any kind means i have to make sacrifices. But it is incredibly hard. I miss what my life used to be sooooo much. with me only getting my kids 50/50, i had so much more freedom and opportunity. Now it feels like it’s been taken away. I’m trying to learn this new life and make the best of it, but it is very difficult.
I hope that i can push through this and things do get better. I do love her, but if i can’t get what i need them i’m afraid i will start to resent her.
September 28, 2018 at 2:03 pm #228023AireneParticipantHello Joe,
Thank you for responding. I really do understand your frustration. My brother went through something similar – is still going through it.
What I “hear” when I read what your vision of a happy life is what anyone’s life is without responsibilities. You had reached a point in your life where you were finding a sweet balance of time with your kids, time for yourself and time with your significant other.
I’m wondering two things…what was it that ended your last relationship, and what is it about your current girlfriend that you fell in love with?
You say you don’t do anything fun or exciting anymore. When you had the weekend gettaways, was that something you did spontaneously, or did you have to plan it a few weeks out?
Okay, that was a third thing I wondered about. Write if you can, I’d like to read more.
Airene
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