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Did I lead myself on?

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  • This topic has 124 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 4 years ago by Anonymous.
Viewing 15 posts - 76 through 90 (of 125 total)
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  • February 2, 2019 at 7:35 am #278203
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear H/Harminder:

    None of these people harmed you physically, their anger didn’t translate to your body being injured. Their anger didn’t kill you.

    It is your fear of their anger that is harming you, the fear itself. For example, your fear is causing your eating disorder or disorders (you didn’t specify, would you like to?), physically harming your body.

    anita

    February 2, 2019 at 8:20 am #278207
    H
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    Yeah my fear is their anger is hurting me. So because of me being scared about my friends anger yesterday, I’ve not really had anything to eat and I’ve stayed in bed, on Google looking up ways to make it right. Don’t really suffer from eating problems now, yes like to say I have the occasional day were I won’t eat until I know the person I’ve made angry is ok.

     

    Thanks

    Harminder

    February 2, 2019 at 8:43 am #278213
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear H/Harminder:

    When you find yourself obsessing about whether a friend or former friend is angry at you, mind the harm factor (as in your name, harm minder?), ask yourself: what is the harm here, what is the danger to me?

    If a person stops communicating with you, what is the harm to you?

    It feels badly, but if you mind the harm factor and realize there really is no danger to you, you will feel  better.

    anita

    February 2, 2019 at 8:54 am #278221
    H
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    Never thought it like that. I suppose rationally thinking there is no harm to me. The harm I see is towards them, I don’t want them to be affected by their anger towards me.

     

    When someone stops communicating with me, the harm there lies in me thinking again that I’ll fall into my depressive habits and I won’t be able to cope without them. I feel I’ve harmed them by sucking the life out of them

     

    Thanks

    Harminder

    February 2, 2019 at 9:00 am #278225
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Harminder:

    Then mind two things:

    1. The harm that is not done to you when someone stops communicating with you.

    2. The harm that you will not cause other people by asking them the same questions over and over again and sending them multiple messages. (If you don’t do these behaviors you will not be bothered by guilt, and you will feel good about your ability to control your behavior!)

    anita

    February 2, 2019 at 9:24 am #278233
    H
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    1. Correct- I hope I slowly begin to realise this and start control my emotions over this

     

    2. Again I hope I realise this as well. I have no control over others feelings and need to keep on telling myself that. If I break out of the circle, I know I’ll feel happier and have more control over my thinking.

     

    Thanks

    Harminder

     

     

    February 2, 2019 at 10:14 am #278253
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Harminder:

    I think it is an excellent idea to focus  on these two things: #1 is about correcting  your thinking when needed.

    #2 is about correcting your behavior and It will help you to do that, to practice the required self discipline successfully!

    anita

    February 2, 2019 at 10:25 am #278255
    H
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    Yeah I need to look after myself and divert my thoughts when they get bad. Hopefully it improves.

     

    I don’t want to happened to me in the last five minutes, but all this exhaustion came over me and just started crying uncontrollably. I just love him so much.

     

    I am taking everything on board that you’re saying, don’t want you to think you’re wasting your time. You’ve been wonderful!

     

    Harminder

    February 2, 2019 at 10:50 am #278257
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Harminder:

    You are welcome and thank you for your appreciation. When our thoughts are distorted, that is what we are thinking is not true to reality, then correcting our thoughts is useful, not diverting them, sometimes diverting, but correct them when you notice distortion. Fit your thinking with reality, and your emotional health will get better and better.

    This kind of work is exhausting. I think that your recent crying is not so much that you love this particular person, but that you are a loving person inside. I suppose you appreciate his past efforts to help you. Best you can do for him, the loving thing is to leave him alone, practicing #2 above.

    anita

    February 2, 2019 at 10:52 am #278259
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * didn’t reflect under Topics

    February 2, 2019 at 11:10 am #278261
    H
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    I’ve never really corrected them, always diverted them or pushed them to one side. So for example when my nan recently passed away I just diverted every thought I had and didn’t correct it.

     

    I never really see it like that. Feel like I have a lot of love to give but my actions allow it to be misinterpreted. I do appreciate his efforts, they did work, which is where the crying comes in as I would never want him to think I didn’t appreciate it. Yes, all I can do now is leave him be as I can’t control someones thoughts or replies

     

    Thanks

    Harminder

     

     

    February 2, 2019 at 11:31 am #278265
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Harminder:

    An action such as bombarding a person with messages is not a loving action because it is disrespectful of the supposed “loved one”. Disrespectful actions are not loving actions.

    If you want to make a list of thoughts that may be distorted, you can make a list, five or so and we can go over them, examine them to determine if they are true to reality or not.

    I will soon be away from the computer for either a few hours or for seventeen hours.

    anita

    February 2, 2019 at 11:42 am #278267
    H
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    I understand but I just sent them because firstly I panicked, secondly I thought I needed to explain myself. I promise they came from a place of love but I’ve not sent anymore and won’t.

    My thoughts can be quite extreme sometimes

    1. Love

    2. Hate

    3. Guilt

    4. Change

    5. Lost

    Thanks!

    Harminder

    February 2, 2019 at 1:47 pm #278281
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Harminder:

    You sent the messages because of fear (“I just sent them because firstly I panicked“), not because of love.

    Regarding #1-5, these will not do, because each is a single word. For the exercise you need to write a sentence for each. The exercise is practiced as part of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), correcting distorted thinking. Maybe you can find information on it online.

    I will soon be away from the computer for about 16 hours.

    anita

    February 3, 2019 at 5:13 am #278333
    H
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    I panick a lot but do love him.

    That’s fine, I’ll expand. Having CBT as well

     

    1. Love- immediately his name comes in to my mind. I’ve failed him and don’t want him to think I don’t love him because I do.

     

    2. Hate- I hate myself for ruining everything I can never leave anything alone until I’ve ruined it. I hope he doesn’t hate me.

     

    3. Guilt- I wish I’d never lied in the first place and now I’m trapped in that lie.

     

    4. Change- I want to change my ways, I don’t like feeling like this. I want to change for myself and also show him i can because he thinks i can’t

     

    5. Lost- I feel so lost in general. I feel lost because he was my safety net, always there and now everything is so blurry that I’m not sure if he’ll forgive me.

     

    I’ve tried to be as detailed as possible

     

    Thanks!

     

     

     

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