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Desperate to let go of my ex

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  • #163994
    pocket_rocket
    Participant

    Hi

    Im the space of 6 months i was dumped by my ex on my birthday ( Feb ) after a nasty fight…. i then found out i was pregnant… he told me not to have it but would support me either way. i found out that he was back in contact with his other ex-girlfriend and started hanging out with her and taking her on weekends away and they both turned on me as i struggled to get him back. This went on until June.

    I had a miscarrige in April due to the stress. He did not care about me the entire time. told me to leave him alone and became very very angry and blocked me and started saying i was harrassing him and would call the police. He called me every sun you can think of including crazy and mentally insane.

    During those months i became desperate, acted out of character, was needy, angry and cried constantly to him. I texted and called A LOT and turned up at his house several times for answer. I know this was wrong but something happened to me and my emotional state was completely out of character due to the trauma of everything. I was high on hormones and already very emotional due to everything that was happening and i needed him. He was always so caring and always was there for me but now he treated me like a stranger and a criminal.

    In May i lost my house. I was driving around from hotel to hotel with my 2 children and struggling to keep it together. I then break down and called him asking for helpm that i was homeless and need a night the bath the kids and have  proper meal. He made me beg ( not literally said that) but made it very diffcult but let me stay one night.

    After that i drove 4 hours to my aunts and stayed there for a couple of weeks untl i found a house. The entire time he treated me with pity and like a homelss stranger not the girl hw was madly in love with. I felt so much pain every day but i tried hard to keep it together for myself and my children.

    He repeated said that he would never get back with me. That he doesnt love me and that im nothing to him. He has changed

    Now i am set up in my new home since June and i have seen him several times where he has helped with my car. He flirted a lot when we saw each other, said he missed me and we have slept together. BIG MISTAKE! but after so much struggle i just wanted someone to care and hold me. my self-respect and self-worth lost! We had a fight a few weeks ago and he was yelling at me saying i was the only one he ever loved, that he only saw a future with me, that i was everything to him and he lost it all and he has to live with it. We get all emotional and ended up together in bed again. Since then its been constant arguing and fighting and hes constantly telling me goodbye and to never contact him again. He is now seeing someone new.

    I asked him to re-consider as for a new relationship and never go back to the old one but he said no he wants the other girl. After 2 weeks of crying and feeling so low about why he has done this to me and treated me like this after how in love we were, i realised that i need to be strong and move on and just accept that he wants nothing to do with me.

     

    But heres the thing…. its extremely hard to not break down everyday and to wish he was that man i remember

     

    please help me with advice

     

    Thank you xxx

     

    #164098
    Pamela Lame
    Participant

    Hi Desperate,

    I completely feel for you, I’ve been there, I’m still there, but a little further along on the road and maybe I can help you with some of what I have learned since my ex dumped me.  You situation sounds a lot like mine, and I reacted much the same as you at first.  I thought I was going to die when it all started and I longed for it and I thought that I was broken so badly I couldn’t ever be fixed.  And like you, the way it happened was so scary and I felt so alone and so unloved and my mind just wouldn’t shut off.  I was continually trying to figure out what I did that was so bad and honestly, I couldn’t find what it was.

    I started searching on the internet because I couldn’t even talk to people, no one believed that it could happen like it did and they all thought I was either crazy or just being spiteful and making him the bad guy.  I ended up with no one at all to talk to about what was going on either and again I didn’t know how I could live without even a friend to count on.  But like I said, I started doing a lot of reading and asking questions and I found out that my husband has a personality disorder.  Narcissism.  Yes, it’s real and it absolutely the worst thing I think a person can go through.  Your husband sounds a lot like mine.  He went from being a loving, or what I thought was loving husband to someone I didn’t know anymore.  He hated me, I could see it in his eyes and although he didn’t say those exact words, he left no doubt that he could care less about me.  And I came to find out later that he didn’t even know what love was.  I know this sounds so awful and it hurts so badly to think about them like that, but it happened to me and I have found out that there are a lot of people going through this exact same thing.       I’m not sure how long you were married, I was for 17 years and thought we had made it that far, we could go the distance, but that’s not how it worked out and I’m still fighting to understand it, to maybe get some closure at least, but he isn’t sorry, he takes no responsibility for any part of our divorce, he completely blames me.  Anyway, there is some very good information out there and you can check it out and maybe see if he has the same problem my ex does.  Either way you need to find a direction to go and this might help you figure out your next step.

    Here are a couple of links that might help you figure out whats going on.

    Narcissistic Abuse Recovery & Self-Empowerment

    The above one has a lot of articles and information.

    When Someone You Love is Toxic – How to Let Go, Without Guilt

    This one has some great information too and there are people to talk to in the reply section that can really help you understand and let you know you aren’t alone.

    And you can keep in touch with me here too, I know there is some good information right on this website as well.

    Just know that you aren’t alone in this and it will get better, I promise.

    Pam

     

    #164262
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear pocket_rocket:

    It is clear to me that what you need most is stability, safety in stability, predictability, a time of sameness. This is the highest priority for you and for your children, especially for your children. This man changes, is not stable. Much of your behavior hasn’t been stable.

    You asked for advice. My advice: seek the safety in stability, predictability, sameness. Live in one place, make a daily routine for you and especially for your children. Stay away from this man and any other person who is not a stabilizer in your life.

    anita

    #164430
    rob
    Participant

    hello pocket rocket. i read the title on your post and i have to tell you that im going through the exact same thing. the man im going through this with is very angry, hes always been angry. everything is my fault according to him, and the level of verbal, emotional, mental, and starting of physical abuse is really taking its toll on me. i’ve been on this site for 2 days looking for comfort, answers, people such as yourself i can relate to, and a way out. what i know right now is this…i feel better when im not with him, im scared, sad and lonely but i feel better because he’s not there to make me feel bad. then i think about how much i love and miss him and it makes me run back to him. he says those things to me too, how much he loves me, how im his everything, and we end up in bed. then he gets angry again, tells me to f. off, calling me such bad names, also he chokes me which is so awful. he has no respect for me. and still i have hope to stay with him. isn’t that just the worst thing to want? I want to let go.

    we were together for 6 years and have a daughter together.

     

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