Hello Fellow Tiny Buddha’s,

It has been a while since I have posted, although I have read many of the forum topics. I was taking it quite easy for a while and doing some extreme hibernation. I began realizing all the things in my life that doesn’t serve me and cutting them out. The first was my job. I had been there for three years and have been doing a great job but it was not satisfying me. I didn’t feel like I was working for a purpose greater than myself or even greater than a paycheck. So I quit without a back up other than savings. I was worried that people would think I was crazy leaving a perfectly good job for no reason but I was actually surprised that a few actually supported me. Secondly, my current relationship isn’t right for me. There is no deep connection there. I had posted about it before. Although I have not officially cut it off with him because we have two more months before our lease is up, I have accepted that he is who he is and that the relationship isn’t working. Sounds simple but it isn’t. I just accepted our relationship for exactly what it was and after the initial discomfort, I feel an immense burden lifted because I am no longer trying to change it. Of course it is painful and always sad to end things but it feels good. Now, I am concerned about where to start. You know they say out with the old and in with the new. But where is that new for me? I know no one can tell me what that is but if someone can tell me how to go about finding it. Where do I start? I want a career full of purpose and where I can help others. I want to learn to start to feel comfortable with my body. I no longer want that dissociation. I want to reconnect with my body as I have heard that healing and spiritual transformation can be done that way. I want to meditate more. I want to be more comfortable with being who I am without the shame. I fantasize day in and day out about this new me but I have yet to take action. I have been out of work for about a month and three weeks now and have yet to do any of the things I intended on doing. Like volunteering, meditating, etc. It’s as if I suffer from decision paralysis or opportunity paralysis. It’s been a tough, beautiful journey where I realize the world is an open vast place and I could be anywhere, doing anything yet I feel tremendous fear. What if I chose the wrong thing? What if the grass isn’t greener? I am full of what ifs and fears. I really want to snap out of it. I am also in a very weird stage in my life. I feel like I have no solid ground. It is just me and uncertainty. Usually when I make changes, like quitting a job, I know what is next but not this time around. I don’t want to make mindless changes and just jump into the next thing. I want it to be meaningful. I am putting so much importance on my next move that it is making it hard to make a move. I am considering teaching English in Thailand and while there, obtaining a yoga teaching certification. The doors have been opened for me as I already have a potential job there. When I think of traveling again, which is what I love most, I light up. However, at the same time I feel a bit inadequate to handle my life right now. To make a long story short, I know I need change, I don’t know where to start and I don’t know how to get rid of the anxiety and fear. I am scared that even if I do make changes they will not last. I notice that I commit myself full force in the beginning of things but lose steam later on. I would like to commit to a new me. I don’t want to fall back into old patterns. Thanks in advance for your insight!