Depserate for some advice - struggling with relationship, 3 years invested

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This topic has 9 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 2 months ago by Anonymous.

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January 15, 2017 at 2:48 pm #125341

Anonymous
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Dear neetz83:

It reads to me like you are and have been a very good, loving, understanding girlfriend to this man for years. He couldn’t have had a better girlfriend, and my hat is off to you.

It also reads to me like his mother owns him.

She established ownership of him early on, during his Formative Years and so, he is … now owned. It is not healthy for him, hence his anxiety. But he will not consider his relationship with her is sick- you wrote that he will not hear or say anything negative about his family.

Again, it is my understanding that it is his mother who instilled in him that he is a good boy/ man only if he is and remains as involved with her, siblings, and later, niece and not with … outsiders, like you.

If he refuses to examine this sick relationship, the one with his mother, how will he move away from his mother and stay away…

I wonder.. his mother may see him not only as a son but as a husband, a friend, a companion…

He loves you, I have no doubt, but he is owned, for lack of a better word, by his mother.

Your thoughts about my thoughts? (Will be back in a few hours)

anita

January 15, 2017 at 8:31 pm #125364

Malaika
Participant

To continue a fulfilling relationship with this man you have to accept him just as he is, otherwise walk away or else you will end up ‘investing’ more time, not getting the results you want, and resenting him.

He loves you, deeply. To show your true love, accept that he is very close to his family, accept that he loves his niece, accept that he feels responsible for his family and like to do things for them and with them. His relationship with his mother is not sick, it is what it is.

Your cultures and upbringing are very different, try to connect with so of his sisters and see how men behave within his culture. To find happiness with him, you will have to walk into this situation with your eyes wide open.

He is not going to change into an American / western man. Even after marriage and kids, you will not walk off and be an independent nuclear family. He will still be very involved with his extended family. He is anxious because he wants to be with you but feels like he can’t be himself because of the demands you are putting on him.

You are a decent loving person, I can tell, but ‘putting your foot down and making demands’ only works for a while. Take some quiet time for yourself, look at this situation as it is, ask yourself if you can live for the rest of your life as things are right now. If you can then stay with him and make the best of the situation because he does love you, if you can’t, tell him, walk away and don’t look back. You are torturing each other.

Sending you love, peace and clarity.

January 16, 2017 at 12:59 am #125373

Nina Sakura
Participant

Dear neetz,

I don’t doubt his feelings for you. It doesn’t seem that way at all. However there needs to be a clear understanding of eachother’s cultural differences.

He comes from a very close knit family culture while yours is a more independent one. Your demand for time with him aren’t unreasonable at all. Of course two people in a relationship need time together. However you need to accept the reality that he is considered the man of his house – a patron figure of sorts and hence, his presence is required at his family gatherings, especially related to his sister’s.

You may be wondering why his mother sent him to work so early. Here is the thing though – he has assumed the primary role in their eyes, especially since his father hasn’t taken a more active role in several years. His mother though is the one who holds the invisible reins nonetheless.

This is the power dynamic of the household. A rather normal one in case your boyfriend happens to be from an Asian background.

The bigger question is regarding your future.

You need to consider these questions and your own assumptions vs ground reality –

1) Concerns before marriage – giving time in the relationship, cancelling plans too much – try to delineate from your insecurity and reach a compromise here. You want to trust his feelings and he also needs to give you time, be present when he promised unless there is some extraordinary situation.

2) Considerations of a future together – I am assuming this means marriage. There are a few points that come to mind here :-

I) Are you assuming that you will live independently with him away from his family? If this isn’t the case, would the alternative of being at his household with his mother be a problem for you? Are you aware of the requirements of a more patriarchal household?

II) The religion difference – even if his mother has accepted his irreligious nature, societally they are in an Islamic circle and usually it is expected that the girl will be Muslim too. This is more important if any of his sisters are unmarried. Does this assumption hold or is the situation different from what I have described?

Have you discussed what his mother’s take would be if he possibly wants to marry a non-muslim girl? What about children and the religion they will be raised? I realize that more Western readers here will find my points a bit strange but these are actual concerns in such kinds of marriages and the framework needs to be clear from the start to understand differences in thinking, areas of compromise.

III) Your relationship with his family – do they know about you? Has he introduced you or mentioned you at all after 3 years?

I hope I haven’t freaked you out too much neetz. Hope to hear from you soon.

Regards
Nina

January 16, 2017 at 2:36 am #125379

Dreamer83
Participant

I’m very grateful for your replies and will respond in detail during my break from work this afternoon.

Thank You all

January 16, 2017 at 5:27 am #125387

Dreamer83
Participant

@Anita: Thanks for your comment.
I have been raised in a very multi cultural area of the UK and I have many friends in asian families. I know how asian mothers can be very protective and controlling of their male children. I have asked him if his mother is the boss of him and he said no. He said he could leave home tomorrow if he wanted, he doesn’t support them financially and he has no ties.
I do believe his upbringing has played a huge part into shaping him into the anxious person he is today. I think after taking on his fathers role for what reason I have no clue because his father was well and able minded back then – I think he feels like the man of the house and holds responsibilities to make sure his sisters are looked after. He’s paid for their school, uni, cars everything. He has done the job his father should have done, and his mother let that happen but we all see our mothers as angels who can do no wrong. It took the death of my father to see for real who my mother was and hear all of the truths about their past. Maybe he can’t see no wrong.

@Rosemaureen1: Thanks for your comment.
I think your comment stood out the most for me. For years we have been trying to figure this out. We just can’t see what can be done to make things better. I’ve been so very patient with him, we’ve both made changes to try and make this work but still we come back to the same argument, time. I don’t think anything more can be done from both sides. I know you said if I truly love him I’d accept him, and I’d love to do whatever I can to make this work, but it will make me unhappy to accept that. I need more than just 2 days a week with my spouse, I’m tired of sleeping alone during the week and if I don’t see him on a Saturday because he has family plans, that’s another whole week I can’t cuddle him at night. It kills me.
I think just as much as I can’t ask him to spend more time with me (asking him to be who he isn’t) I can’t ask myself to accept that.
As for mixing with his family more, he doesn’t give me the opportunity to do so. I’m very shy and introverted so asked if I could meet them 1 by 1, just to lighten the load. He’s very keen to dodge the family mixing thing. He did want me to go along to the cinema with them all once, but I told him the cinema isn’t really a great place to meet people. He said I copped out but I felt cinema wasn’t appropriate.All of my family know about him but have only met him through our work. He refused to be introduced to my mother because he wanted to wait till I’d met his parents first but that has never happened. I’ve spoke to his mother once when I phoned his house to ask to talk to him. She said he was busy and asked my name. I asked her to get him to ring me but she never passed on the message, she never even mentioned I called.

@Nina, thanks for your comment.
My partner is from an asian background and I’ve always had an inkling that his mother is in control. Before we got together she had a few meetings arranged for marriage interests. He wasn’t interested but said he just wanted to be over and done with it all (I think he was under pressure with everything, leaving his faith, marriage, etc) all of the women he accepted, his mother turned down so it’s as if she had the final say. One person she turned down because her skin was too dark, another because (and this is true) she didn’t like the way her mother walked. I feel his mother guilt trips him into staying because she knows when he leaves she won’t have the support he can offer.

One of his sisters is married, shes rather traditional (and the one with the baby) another sister is due to marry this year. The other two girls are at home focusing on their careers.

I do want us to have our own family unit and to be independent. Living with his parents is not something I would be happy with. I like my own space and privacy. I have told him that I appreciate he’ll want to take out time to see family now and then for special occasions or just general visits but I said I don’t want it to be a regular every week thing. Once a month would be fine for me and I’d compromise and come along majority of the time but not always as I like my own time and space.

Converting to Islam wouldn’t be needed. He did ask me very early on in the relationship and I said no. I don’t believe I should have to change who I am to satisfy other people for the sake of reputation. I am my own person and the person he fell in love with wasn’t a fake Muslim.

He told his mother about me a few months back but she didn’t say much. She didn’t show disapproval and she actually made him his favourite curry which he found odd. (He usually cooks for himself) His sisters know about me but I think because he has kept us all seperate for so long they don’t really have any sort of relationship with me. I’m not close to any of his family. His friends all know about me but we have never been officially introduced.

When we worked together a lady that is married to a friend of his (and lives on the same street as him) came in to see us. While we were doing our work she was saying ‘You need to get married! I’m having words with your mother haha! Why aren’t you married yet? You can’t waste time!” – it was all cheery and playful on her part but not once did he say to her this lady here is my partner. He never mentioned me at all and it made me feel so small and hurt my feelings a lot. I felt like the dirty little secret.

I think to be honest ladies that we both have different needs when it comes to time. He’s worried when all his family leave and are gone that he’ll be alone, but can I wait long enough to be there for him? I don’t think I can. Children is something I’m on the fence with at the moment as I want to be settled before trying but I’m not getting younger and my biological clock won’t tick forever. Child wise we’ve had dreams, thought of names. We definitely wouldn’t raise her as a Muslim, that’s a discussion we’ve had. No religion. That would be something we would let her decide herself when she’s older (and here I am already assuming the gender)

He is coming tonight after work for a talk. I’m going to put all of this to him but I don’t think we can make this work in a way that makes us both completely happy. I’ll see what happens after the talk tonight.

Thank You all x

January 16, 2017 at 6:01 am #125391

Nina Sakura
Participant

Dear neetz

It’s good that you have more clarity about what you need to talk to him about – which is about the future of the relationship. All the best to you. Hope the talks goes well and some progress is made. Do write more about what happened.

Regards
Nina

January 16, 2017 at 9:25 am #125413

Anonymous
Guest

Dear neetz:

You wrote: “I have asked him if his mother is the boss of him and he said no.” – clearly, she is the boss of him.

“He said he could leave home tomorrow if he wanted” – his mother doesn’t keep him imprisoned with a physical lock and key.

“he doesn’t support them financially and he has no ties”- but you wrote that: “He’s paid for their (sisters’) school, uni, cars everything.”

“I think after taking on his fathers role for what reason I have no clue”- maybe she felt emotionally distant from her husband, so she made her son a pseudo-husband. When he told her something about his relationship with another woman (you), she made him his favorite curry, didn’t she? And she did reject all other women as his possible partners for ridiculous (alleged) reasons.

Unfortunately for you, the man is taken, not available. Being in the periphery of his life is your only option if in a relationship with him- his mother doesn’t allow him another woman other than in the periphery of their shared life. She may have the understanding that he has some sexual needs she cannot satisfy, so she allows him that periphery.

anita

February 1, 2017 at 2:50 pm #126564
Dreamer83
Participant
Thank you all for the advice you gave, I have come here tonight with an update and with closure.

In this heart wrenching ping-pong relationship we decided after the talk that it wouldn’t work, again. He became quite agitated when I kept pressing for answers and told me he will never change, he can’t change. Stupidly I still tried to cling on! I said well what about we give it a few weeks till your house is done and see when you move in if things get better. He agreed. He said he’s not sure he can do it but he hates the thought of me being with someone else.
We had some talks about his family, I asked if his mother puts guilt trips on him and makes him feel like he can’t leave to which he sort of agreed.
He has to do a huge errand in a few weeks to take his parents and sisters down to his sisters new husbands family all the way down in Brighton (about a 5 hour drive) the first impression I got from his body language upon telling me was eyes rolling back and sighing because he has to take his dad who is always having to stop for bathroom/prayer breaks and he said it’s like baby sitting a child. I asked him ‘So you don’t want to go, you feel you have to?’ to which he replied ‘No I want to go’ He lies to himself constantly.
He said I’m hung up on the fact his family are somewhat to blame. Maybe I am. He says they’re an obstacle but if things were different it wouldn’t change our relationship. I thought to myself really? So if things were different I would have already met your parents, and I’d probably be welcome on the trip to Brighton to meet the new in-laws because your mother and your sisters husband and his family wouldn’t have a problem with a white person by your side.
That’s another thing you see, he told me I’d never be welcome at his sisters house because her husband and his family don’t agree with white people mixing in the family, which is probably one of the reasons why he kept me a secret/in the periphery. (My ex partner has a half brother and sister that are half white which his mother demanded they have no contact with) I guess they failed to mention those at engagement proposals.

So as you can all probably tell there’s quite a bit of venom in me at the moment. I got in contact with him last week to tell him that I can’t do this anymore, and I don’t feel it’s a good idea to do the whole friend thing. We’ve tried and it failed. I needed closure and I sent a polite message asking him not to contact me anymore, to which he replied “I hope we can be friends again, I’ll never shut the door on you or cut you off”. I find it difficult to be off with him, I’m far too forgiving it seems and I do worry about his well being (he has told me his life will have no meaning and that worried me) I said yes alright we’ll see, but ladies….it has eaten me up this whole week. I felt betrayed, I felt so angry at him that I almost want to hurt him. I never feel this way! I did something terrible and I sent him a text that was quite nasty. I told him that I hate him and his racist family and never want to hear from him again. He told me the bridge has finally been burned.

I was relieved, it’s all I’ve ever wanted just to get some closure. I need him out of my life so I can move on. I’ve blocked all contact with him via phone/social media. I didn’t want to hurt him but I’ve tried so many times to maturely deal with this, it got to a point where I was taking time off work sick because I couldn’t stop crying. I do feel bad for what I said to an extent but part of me also feels I had to say those things, I’ve been too nice for too long to this person that keeps taking my heart and crushing it. I felt I was being taken for a fool. I do wish him the best but I’m going to focus on me now. I’ll find someone that’s more suited to me when the time comes.

My friend has just passed her driving test so we have lots planned for the summer, road trips, breaks away, festivals. I’m just going to focus on the good things in my life.

Thank you all for listening and any thoughts on my last comment would be appreciated.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by Dreamer83.
February 1, 2017 at 6:52 pm #126573

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Dreamer83:

Congratulations for doing the right thing for you, good to read about a good decision done!

I think your last message to him was very appropriate- it was honest. Hate means very angry, and you were understandably very angry. The message in your anger was that you are human, after all, not a saint that always forgives, accept crumbs, never complains, never asks for more-

You are human. You need respect and he was disrespectful to you. Of course you were very angry. Good message!

I do hope this bridge is burnt and not to be attempted to be crossed again.

anita
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