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Depressed due to guilt and fear

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Viewing 15 posts - 331 through 345 (of 440 total)
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  • #106987
    ravi_zimmerfan
    Participant

    Ya I know what you mean Anita. I meant that if all this hadn’t happened, I would not have had the additional pain and anguish of this issue on my heart. I was making a small gift for her and had been asking another friend from a week to see if it’s okay. The latter has enough time to post a number of selfies and stylish statuses but cannot take a minute or two to see my gift. Simply reinforces my feeling that Jerry was one of the few, if not the only, genuine friend I ever had through the years. If I’m destined to be separated from her like this then I wish I just die because I have nothing left. I’m not even enthusiastic about my career or dreams anymore. From last night my own health has deteriorated due to the heat and stress. Of course, people are ever ready to lecture me how mean and evil I am to trouble everybody around me.

    #106996
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ravi:

    This is so terrible, is the word that feels real to me, to read about your distress and knowing it has been going on for so long… It’s been going on for too long. I am going to try to understand your situation in a new way. Please tell me, Ravi, at this point, under the best circumstances, the very best: Jerry communicating with you as lovingly as she did in the past, with you doing very well on the upcoming exams, UNDER THESE BEST circumstances, what will life be for you? What is the best you can realistically look forward to??? (Draw me a picture: how long will you be living where you always have lived, will you be moving elsewhere? If you will be living elsewhere, who will be living with you- will your grandmother and parents be moving to your new home if there is one? Etc.)

    anita

    #107007
    ravi_zimmerfan
    Participant

    If she were with me as lovingly as she was in the past, I feel I could’ve faced this situation and ten times worse. Now that I’ve learned my lesson, I know she may not need me but I need her. She’s my life breath and my heartbeat. I would treasure her more than anyone and anything in my life, and be so grateful for her presence that every other pain in my life would feel like nothing at all. I would try to keep contact limited so that my possessiveness doesn’t exceed limits, ensure to never lose my temper. If I were to succeed in my exams then surely my grandmother would have no choice but to let me go out to college and elsewhere, my parents would be doubly happy and co-operate with me in every way, obviously I would never wish to leave them. If the college is particularly good, much of the damage caused in the past years would be compensated. I would go on to lead a happy life with my parents and my Jerry successfully.

    It’s nothing but a dream. 🙁

    #107013
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ravi:

    So let’s say you and Jerry are in very good terms, you passed your exams successfully, are in college: are you living at home with your grandmother and parents (I will refer to them next as “the three”) while going to college for how many years? Then once you finish college where are you living? Same place or new place? With the three or without the three? Are you living with the three until death do you apart?

    How is the behavior of the three different toward you while you are in college (still living with them)? How is their behavior toward you different after you graduate from college?

    anita

    #107027
    ravi_zimmerfan
    Participant

    That depends on whether the college is in my city or outside. If outside, I’ll obviously have to live away from them. If in our city, I would prefer to live at home unless my grandma’s pestering gets too much, in which case I might choose to live in the dorm. After college, I would like to continue to live with my parents as I’ll have a degree, and grandma will not be stopping me from anything then therefore. But that’s still quite far off; medical college takes 5 years to graduate from here.

    #107030
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ravi:

    In India, is it… necessary for a grown man, once you can take care of yourself financially, to live with one’s parents and grandparents? Do some men live separately from their parents and grandparents.. ever?

    anita

    #107063
    ravi_zimmerfan
    Participant

    It isn’t necessary. Quite a lot of people do live apart from their parents, but it’s more due to negative reasons like fights or clashes regarding personal interests. And the society views that negatively. But that isn’t the reason why I want to live with my parents. I want to do it of my own free will as I love them. What’s done is done and at least as a result of all this, we’ve developed a much better understanding, even in these few months. From what I’m seeing in the present, I know there won’t be any disagreements in the future.

    #107066
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ravi:

    Well, that is your choice then. I hope then that your mother treats you well, lovingly and so does your grandmother. They should be very gentle with you, accommodating, seeing that you are suffering, health wise- and from their own mistakes. They should be loving to you, a whole lot.

    Then if you pass the exams and go to college, you may live away from home for the first time- that IS exciting for me. Maybe you will like that, that would be exciting. For me, if I get to read about it from you. The thought of it… oh, and what if you meet a young woman there, while you live in the dorm.. what if she would be so very kind to you, then you may fall in love with her. What if… And then, it will be Ravi and his Bride, imagine… I can imagine it.

    I am just saying, it is possible. And your health will improve, a different setting. Away from home for the first time. Well, this would be something for me to look forward to. Yes, the thought of you cooking for yourself in the dorm, taking care of yourself, carrying a wallet for the first time. Now this IS something to look forward to. I want you to experience freedom. It is your human right, born to be free!

    Dreaming me

    #107093
    ravi_zimmerfan
    Participant

    I understand and in fact, my parents too prefer that I go out and live alone to study so that I can learn to develop confidence and take care of myself without depending on others. Yesterday after a long time, I took a cab back home alone and they were quite happy about it. I assume there shouldn’t be any problems on that front. As for meeting a young woman… I have not set my eyes and heart on another girl ever since I realized I love Her. I hope I possess enough loyalty and strength of character to keep it that way always. 🙂

    Thanks a lot for your genuine concern and good wishes Anita. Means a lot to me.

    #107150
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ravi:

    You are very welcome. I am glad there has been some encouragement for you to live independently. I mean, I am glad they have some sense and are not completely senseless, for crying out loud.

    As far as meeting another girl, it is my moment of dreaming for you, hoping. It is absolutely possible though, to meet a young woman in person, face to face who likes you. It is even probable, why not? Again, for crying out loud, why not… Since this did not happen yet, there is no point discussing loyalty. I will keep my thoughts to the time when such will be relevant.

    Only June, scorching heat until when? Raining here today. I wish this was the weather for you there, chilly, a bit cold.

    anita

    #107207
    ravi_zimmerfan
    Participant

    I hope so. And yup, I don’t deny that is a possibility to meet some girl like that. I imagine it would be easy to give up on my love as a hopeless case and accept someone else… the hard but right thing is staying true to one’s genuine love and resisting temptations and alluring to go with another, despite the seeming hopelessness. That’s what I wish to do always… the right thing and not the easy thing. I guess I’m too naïve but that’s my simple and honest view. 🙂

    There won’t be any significant relief from the heat here until October. Just the climate of our region, coupled with frequent power cuts.

    #107209
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ravi:

    And here it was raining when I last wrote to you and … raining right now. I am sitting in my recliner with the computer on my lap wearing a sweater and socks. Hard to imagine such different weathers existing at the same time.

    I am glad you are open to the possibility I mentioned. Bed time for me. You just posted, If you want to post more, please do, will be back to the computer in ten hours or so. Take care of valuable you (I mean it!)

    anita

    #107808
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ravi:

    Seven days since your last post. How are you…?
    anita

    #109446
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ravi:

    To be one month since your last post. The exam is this month, I am very much wondering about you…??????????

    anita

    #110403
    ravi_zimmerfan
    Participant

    Hi Anita. I’m sorry for the long absence; was just engrossed with studies and trying to fight back the depression somehow until the exam was over. I’m finally done with it today and it went just about as good as I could possibly do in my situation. Not excellent but not really bad either. 🙂 Am free for a month now. Thinking of doing some activities I had been holding up for long.

    My grandma was ill last month and despite the tension and worry, I stayed up to create birthday gifts for Jerry and she didn’t even bother to reply with a “thank you”. I hope, now that I’m free, I can think of how to make her understand the error of her thinking and let her understand that I genuinely care for her. Anyone reading this, I’m counting on good wishes/prayers/vibes from everyone. She means more to me than I can ever express.

Viewing 15 posts - 331 through 345 (of 440 total)

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