Depressed due to guilt and fear

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This topic has 439 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 3 months ago by Anonymous.

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June 1, 2016 at 10:33 am #106210

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Ravi:

I doubt that Jerry, her sister and anyone is calmly going about her life with no regrets. Distress is common. Nobody that I know is calmly cruising through life.

And you swear that if you had Jerry back in your life the way she was you will have no other wishes. I say: for a minute maybe. Maybe. As quick as anything, you will wish for more. It is only when you look back that what was seems like the extreme happiness that.. it was not.

Yes, I understand you comparing yourself to success stories of your peers. I was trapped in that torturous mental occupation myself, for long enough. But as you must know, a few of the richest, most famous international superstars … for some reason, found their lives intolerable. You don’t want to comapre your experience to those, do you?

But you do need to get out of your room. This is why humane rights activists push that prisoners get yard time, outside their cells. It is widely accepted that being stuck in a small confined cell is not healthy, actual bars and locks, or practical ones.

anita

June 1, 2016 at 6:51 pm #106257

ravi_zimmerfan
Participant

I know. I meant regarding this particular issue. I see her normally posting on our forum, running solo or with someone else our FB page which we did very closely together for nearly 3 years. I don’t see any regrets… she and her sister feel whatever they did is totally right. It’s possible (and I do feel) she knows the truth somewhere within but her beliefs are overshadowing it then. And I mean I will not wish for any material things and all if only I can have her back. That much I believe in my self-control.

It’s true that even celebrities have their own set of unique problems that we don’t know of. Honestly, I never wanted to be one. I always preferred to live my quiet, unknown life in solitude. But still it just feels so bad to see that even the worst people in my class who hardly studied or did anything, are now faring infinitesimally better than me who’s only progressed retrogressively since I passed out of school. I don’t feel like buying anything knowing I’m living off my parents’ pension money. All my dreams of doing other things like tennis, guitar, writing, travelling and so much more… all of it is shattered due to this damned premedical thing. Now I have no other options left.

June 1, 2016 at 9:10 pm #106271

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Ravi:

Well, the worst students in your classs are fairing so much better professionally, financially… because they didn’t have your grandmother and mother to ..”help” them along. That is their fortune and your misfortune. I wish it wasn’t so. The people we are born to make such a huge impact on our lives, good or bad.

“I always preferred to live my quiet, unknown life in solitude.” You do write well.

I want to come back and write you in the morning, 12 hours or so when my brain is fresh.

anita

June 2, 2016 at 6:30 am #106291

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Ravi:

Thursday morning here. I realized on my afternoon long walk yesterday how I felt significant stress before and at the beginning of the walk while at the middle and end I felt much relief. When you have a long day with no walk, being outdoor, a distraction long enough, that stress has nowhere to go so it stays in, stirring the same old thoughts. I wish you had something to do physically that would release that stress that we accummulate simply by being in the same small location for too long, physically inactive.

anita

June 3, 2016 at 7:11 pm #106430

ravi_zimmerfan
Participant

It’s true, Anita. I do go out for a morning walk daily, am doing exercise and also got a couple of friends at the library that I talk to, discuss movies with. But that cannot go on always. Once I find myself alone, the depression strikes back full time. I feel so frustrated knowing that all of this career quagmire is a non-issue created just due to nonsense… just because I was not supposed to go out. Otherwise I would have had a degree by now and none of these problems would’ve existed.

I still find myself thinking if I had controlled my possessiveness and remained happy having Jerry as a sister only, she would still be with me. I think if her cousin brother was not there then none of this would’ve happened, and feel guilty for thinking so. But then I think… even if it were like that, what would have I felt when the inevitable news of her getting married to someone else came someday in the future? And all this stuff she said about me lusting after our fav actress and all, maybe she already had in mind all along. If I am blessed, maybe her misconceptions too can be cleared somehow. Either way it’s all taking a huge toll on me physically and mentally.

June 3, 2016 at 7:30 pm #106434

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Ravi:

I am so sorry you are suffering physically/ mentally. I am speechless sometimes writing to you because I get frustrated too about this “career quagmire” that didn’t have to happen; i am so angry that your life was messed up so badly because an unintelligent, unqualified woman (your grandmother) was allowed to determine your life like this. Life is difficult enough without her idiocy allowed to do this. So it is disturbing, distressing.

If you get out of this situation, I just wish you wouldn’t feel that you owe ANYTHING at all to your grandmother or your parents for having allowed your grandmother to … make sure you ate instead of have a career.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

anita

June 9, 2016 at 9:04 am #106793

ravi_zimmerfan
Participant

I found a newspaper article that was linked to our area of common interest and I instinctively thought of messaging and discussing about it with her. And then reality knocked calmly at the door. I’m truly and utterly sick of my life. I’m tired of this same crappy schedule day after day, and I know I’ll again get a rank in thousands in the exam once again and will be studying again next year, in an endless cycle. I’m tired of carrying this anguish in my heart day and night and her not understanding me at all, and believeing whatever she and her sister do/think is the Divine Truth ™ and not even the cosmic forces have a right to question it. I’m tired of the world expecting me to live and behave like a robot… study, study and study more, ignoring all my personal pain, while everyone else is enjoying life.

June 9, 2016 at 11:01 am #106807

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Ravi:

There is the option of you leaving- there is the option of this one young man in that great populous country doing what others have done- leaving. How can I, at this point, encourage you to study, study and study? How can I encourage such stagnant way of life, hardly living and slowly dying?

If July (the test is then, right?) means nothing but the same for you, how can anyone reasonable recommend this for you?

anita

June 9, 2016 at 5:26 pm #106828

ravi_zimmerfan
Participant

Cannot do it without my parents’ approval. It was their only dream that I become a doctor. Mine too, if I were honest. Just that the bad experience of all these years has left a sour taste. After coming so far, I just feel I need to round it up well and finish the job. But if I were to leave, I don’t know if it’ll do much good. The chronic depression and pain are not going to go anywhere anytime soon. I’m feeling angry at myself for letting myself be so short tempered and emotionally vulnerable. If I valued someone so much, I ought not to have behaved like that. The memories are haunting me day and night.

June 10, 2016 at 10:15 am #106856

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Ravi:

I am sick. Will be back later today, tomorrow or the next day, most probably. Respond to your post above when I am back. Take care.

anita

June 10, 2016 at 10:45 am #106862

ravi_zimmerfan
Participant

Sorry to hear that Anita. Please take care. Sending you my good wishes and thoughts always.

June 10, 2016 at 10:49 am #106863
humour
Participant
Hi Ravi,
I am not sure about your nature I.e.if you are generally a happy person and if only the last few years have been depressing. If that’s the case I guess you’ll figure out a way to get rid of your challenges, eventually.
I have been mildly melancholic/thinking deeply most of the time, especially when left alone. Also a self critic but not a healthy one. I am aware of these now and trying to change, although it’s hard.
From your post I can sense that you could be a negative self critic yourself.
I know that when I am through with my current challenge, I will face another one and then another. I feel thats the way of life. Some challenges are easier to handle than others. It helps me if I think of them as part of the learning process and try my best not to go into ‘i deserve it’ mode.I used to fight hard at every challenge, taking life so seriously ( I still do because it’s so ingrained) but now I have no strength left. I was watching an astrology video recently in which the astrologer said something so appropriate. This is a gist of what she said. It’s possible to be an optimist or a pessimist but there is also a neutral state in between. People who are able to stay positive always, very good for them. Those who have a tendency to go into chronic depression or criticising oneself often will find it difficult to jump back up to the positive state. It’s good to maintain your energy at a neutral state. Falling into the state of sadness several times can make it tough to get back to neutral. Once you sense that the depression is setting in, do something, do anything to get to the neutral state, like taking a walk,meditating, watching funny videos or whatever works for you. I am learning this the hard way. I realised that I am emotional and sensitive and at every challenge, I react the way I know best, emotional touchiness in my case. It’s draining me physically and mentally. Now, I try my best to get back to neutral.
You must be going through the toughest trial in your life right now, not to mention the regrets and other things but try to stay neutral. I know how hard this can be but for your own sanity try not to lose control of your mind. Try your best not be your own worst critic. You seem to be a good guy. I hope things get better for you. Take care.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by humour.
June 10, 2016 at 3:45 pm #106871

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Ravi:

If it is your dream too, to be a doctor, well, I hope you reach it. I am only repeating myself (and I don’t mind) when I write to you that your daily schedule is distressing so no wonder you are distressed and depressed. I thought if you leave, at the least you will be moving around and about in the world, out of your room. It also gives me pleasure to imagine your grandmother… and mother living without Their Ravi. It pleases me to think of you setting yourself free of them and to think of them with their prisoner gone.

Regarding your regrets about Jerry, well, at best you are missing an online communication. You did not destroy a person to person relationship. If you still communicated with her online, it wouldn’t work well because you are… still living in the same distressing and depressing circumstances and routine.

But I know you don’t see it like that. I do. I am still unwell and thank you for your wishes.

anita

June 11, 2016 at 7:03 pm #106975

ravi_zimmerfan
Participant

Anita – We’ll have to see. Once I get into college, I obviously won’t be sticking around much here so all the arguments regarding food and all should be over. And yes, my relationship with Jerry is not merely an online communication for me. At the very least, it is the only thing I wish to earn back or to die trying. Take care and get well soon.

Humour – Thanks for the kind words and advice. We think quite alike in this regard. I have, in fact been trying to be neutral. For the last few weeks I was watching a few films and old animated shows to try take my mind off these things. It does work temporarily. But then my schedule is simply so cumbersome and stressful that I can’t reduce its effects much. I need to go out for 4-5 hours of classes and library sessions in this scorching heat everyday from morning to late evening. On top of it my relationship troubles which are like an omnipresent stabbing knife in my heart. Let’s see what happens. I’m not very hopeful for anything good.

June 11, 2016 at 7:49 pm #106977

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Ravi:

To clarify: I know how meaningful Jerry and your communication with her is and has been. By it being online, I do not mean it is or has been any less meaningful. After all I am communicating with you online and I view our communication very meaningful. Online communication often is more meaningful than in person communication. What I meant was that if you were still communicating with Jerry, you would still be in your room, with the same schedule of studying morning to night, in the scorching heat so you would still be distressed even if you were still communicating with her.

And that in contrast to the idea of in person communication with her which would include being outside or in a movie theater or walking late at night hand in hand (when it is not so hot)- things like that. This scenario would mean you having an outing for your distress, and easier life.

I hope I clarified this point. Did I?

anita
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