I actually don’t know about this particular news since I’ve not read the newspapers for long. But articles related to this did appear at least twice in the past few months, which I saw myself, so it must be true. Either way, I do not have the energy and motivation to do exam prep for another year. It’s become a stale and strenuous way of life, I’m overage already and if I wish to fulfill my heart’s desires, including the one we discussed, I cannot afford to keep wasting time. Let’s see.

I’m not sure how to keep track of my progress, if I’ve managed to improve myself in any manner. Though my dad says I’ve not been as short a fuse as I used to be until now, I did lose my temper yesterday again. I had resolved last year to not do it again, and succeeded for 3 months until it happened again, so I don’t know for sure.

Thanks a lot for the compassion and understanding, Anita. You can’t know how much it means to me.

Ya, I know I have reason to be angry at them. I don’t however have good reason to believe that I can selectively direct my anger only at people who “deserve” it, and not indulge in behaviour commonly called kicking the cat. Speaking of physical violence I’ve never hit anybody in life other than that school bully I had previously mentioned, and I have enough faith in myself to know I can keep it that way forever unless something genuinely serious happens. But using the insecticide analogy, once the anger flares up within, I find it generally stays there for a long time even without me knowing. I don’t know how many times I told Jerry, “I’m sorry for being like that… I was having a bad day”, something like that. But it doesn’t change what happened.

For the last few months I was so irritable that I used to start hissing profanities for something as small as some obstinate vehicle causing us delay on the road. I’m not even an adolescent to blame hormones for being unreasonably angry. I have always liked the path of genuine ahimsa or pacifism mentioned in Buddhism and it has been my desire to put it to practical use as much as possible. But I haven’t succeeded. If only I had, I would not have been facing this day today. I may have the “right” to be angry at some people, but it doesn’t mean I have to be. I can simply be assertive without holding any anger or violence in my heart (emotional violence, not physical). I truly fear that my inner demons can wreak even more havoc when I have a chance to mend everything in the future.

I understand that Anita, and I agree. From my elementary understanding of evolutionary psychology, anger evolved within us as a defense mechanism against threats, mostly coming from individuals we know. I know it’s a natural human emotion we cannot just eliminate. I do however, feel we can control it sufficiently. I read about instances in the life of the Buddha and other great masters where they were badly abused by ill-mannered people, sometimes by their own close ones, but they chose not to “accept” those hurtful words and feel miserable, and instead just moved on with a smile. I may not even come close to having in me their virtues, but I do feel that it’s our choice to understand what message the anger is giving and then, instead of succumbing to it and becoming violent, having enough self-control to forgive and move away until the anger subsides. If I had been able to do that, none of this would’ve happened. But I’m not able to develop that self-control and patience. I always succumb to the anger after a brief spell of self-control.

I agree, evaluating the message behind the anger is important. But after recognizing it, it’s time to decide what course of action to do depending on the situation being faced. I wasn’t referring to mythology or scriptures (certainly not about turning the other cheek). But for example, the Buddha chose not to let the verbally abusive people affect his mind and chose to simply move on. Almost like refusing to accept a gift from someone… so it’s they who receive it back. In case of something like arguments with my mom, I agree that asserting myself properly is important. Once the situation is resolved, I don’t wish to keep brooding over it and letting my mood be spoiled. I mean, what’s done is done. After the thing is resolved, I feel I should forgive and keep in mind the lesson I learned from it, rather than negative thoughts towards myself or the other person.

But far from this, I’ve noticed that even something trivial like getting into an argument with some random punk in the campus for bumping into me, if I choose to ignore and move on, my inner voice calls me a coward for not fighting him or saying something abusive to provoke him. I had chosen to move on for a good reason… because that guy and incident have no importance in my life in the long run. They’re nothing but momentary. But my inner demons still won’t leave me alone and I spend time stressing over it and getting angry. Surely that is not a healthy thing. On the contrary if I return expletives to such people before going away, the inner demons may not trouble me but my conscience surely rebukes me for having behaved just like the people I dislike. How am I better than them if I act the same way? I suspect that part of the roots of my vile behaviour towards Jerry lie here too. That’s why I’m concerned.

Yes, the Middle Path is what clicks with me too and I’ve been trying to follow. But like they say, we should choose our battles carefully. Especially if the guy who bumped into me is an egoistic/troublesome type known to involve in violent and questionable activities. If I try to be assertive to him, I feel inside – “Let it be. It’s not worth it. That guy won’t be anywhere in your life after a few minutes… why risk provoking him and making yourself a potential target of violence?” I also have heard that the ability to walk away from a situation choosing not to fight back is either a sign of cowardice or true strength. Like a lion may have the ability to rip apart the couple of jackals growling provocatively near the mouth of its den… but it chooses not to bother, because it 1) knows it has better things to do with its time rather than mess with two lowlives, and 2) has no lack of self-confidence and faith in its strength, if needed. At the same time, the jackals have no courage to keep a step inside the den, because they know it’ll be the last thing they ever do. So they stay at the mouth of the den and keep growling to convince themselves that they’re “strong” by abusing the lion, when within they know the truth.

I cannot help but wonder whether I’m being like the jackal. During non-issues like the incident with Jerry, my inner critical voice forces me to see insults when there are none and forces me to overreact to prove to it that I am “strong”. On the other hand when really confronted with a situation that demands assertiveness or a strong stance, I am not able to do it. I truly do feel this is a deplorable quality and really awful behaviour, at the very least it shows extreme lack of faith in myself and lack of confidence. Even when I was feeling insecure due to her bond with her brother, I kept thinking “I am not good enough… not only is he her blood relation, but he never hurt her unlike me. He must also be so funny and good-natured unlike the depressing and short-tempered individual I am.” She and others kept trying to explain to me that I am a worthy person in my own right, that we both have unique qualities and she does not wish to compare us… but I did not listen.

Gift is a rather incorrect word, I agree. This is what I’ve read – that if someone offers you something and you refuse to accept it, they have to keep it with themselves. Another analogy is someone trying to spit at the sky – it is so high (in the sense of being above petty insults) that the spit falls on the person’s own face. I know it’s too idealistic and hard to apply practically. But I’m just trying to look into all possible options. Maybe now that I’ve started trying to be assertive with my mom, my critical voice won’t provoke me to get violent in other situations when not apt (either with dangerous people like the campus guy or innocents like Jerry).

Thank you so much Anita, for expanding upon these examples so wonderfully and helping me notice the flaws in the convenient thinking. I had never really thought of it this way. Yes… Jerry having been a “safe target” is what I had realized sometime back after our conversation and I realized that my pent-up anger had gotten directed at her, simply because she’s so soft-hearted, willing to take all blame upon herself and always ready to forgive me without a word simply because of her love for me (until recently when I truly crossed the lines) even though she too is a human being with a heart. I can see I literally treated her like an object, a wedge to sharpen a knife upon, or a punching bag, whatever. It makes me feel absolutely horrible and disgusted at myself. I don’t think even the most abusive and ill-mannered people in the world treat their loved ones like I treated her.

In order to learn to be assertive, I first need to go out by myself away from the influence of certain people in my family. Sadly the inertia has been so strong that I myself don’t feel like stepping out of my room anymore. First step is clearing these exams which my parents have been asking from a long time and promising to give me independence once I do it. I don’t feel they’ll have any excuses left once I succeed. But until then, I want to develop enough self-control to prevent the anger from hurting innocent people until I can manage to develop a permanent change in myself. It’ll take time and life needs to go on until then.

Thanks Anita. I will try my best to put it practically to use. Succeeded in preventing myself losing temper a couple of times today and instead just assertively told my grandma my views and went away. Asked dad to make sure that once I hopefully clear the exams in the next few months, I’ll start going out on my own, dealing with people and everything else to get more confidence. Let’s see.

If I truly am a good person, I pray I earn the right to be reunited with her. The only thing I actually wish for.

Thanks Anita. Means a lot to me. Sadly no matter what I am, does not change what I did. I’m sure even if someone asks her about me, she’ll say this same thing because she’s so sweet and compassionate. But I don’t feel when she thinks of me, she can forget my toxic words even if she doesn’t tell anyone. And I don’t feel the dragon in me has subsided yet. Just today I was wondering whether she’s forgotten me or she still thinks of me sometimes. The voice in my head answered – “Why would she think of someone like you who hurt her so much? She must be happy with her brother who always cares for her and makes her relaxed, unlike you.” I thought I had gotten over that insecurity. Apparently it isn’t so. 🙁 Maybe because I know how much she loved me and I only gave her pain and depression in return.

I got to know my friend who had sent her our convo met with an accident, and is in hospital. I’m extremely disturbed and praying for her recovery, feeling so bad that I had stopped talking to her. She may have been careless, but she surely meant no harm and I consider her as good as a sister. My dad has this habit of sitting behind with me with a gloomy expression if I don’t study properly… he doesn’t say anything, just hopes I take notice and go to study. Today even that was irritating me as I was so disturbed due to these double issues. Scarcely faced a worse time in my life thus far.