Kay,

First of all, my heart goes. I’ve had a very similar journey and can relate to having a weary soul when so many things don’t go your way. Unfortunately I don’t have much time to write at the moment, but I just want you to know that you are not alone. I am in my thirties now and I moved out when I was seventeen with similar road blocks and it’s been bumpy. Don’t lose heart. You aren’t the first or the only one to go through this kind of thing.

The best thing I can suggest is to go to Al Anon. It’s a free resource for people who are closely knit to people with alcohol addictions, but honestly it can apply to anyone who deals directly with people who are have neglecting and/or abusive relationships. Unfortunately when someone has severe depression, it can really do a number on the rest of the family. It’s helped me immensely with situations that felt hopeless.

I hope you post more, but I have to run. I would be happy to exchange emails if you really need someone to talk to.

Kay,

I found a quote which I gleaned a lot from which said something aloing the lines of a great childhood doesn’t prepare you for real life. You, my friend, are being groomed to be able to handle anything. It’s a leg up because some people wouldn’t even get as far as you have without taking a downward spiral. You’ve got moxie girl!!! What I’ve taken from my experiences is that when I have kids, I would rather give them excellent coping mechanisms and resiliency habits rather than a perfect childhood. Life is full of curveballs and detours. People who can navigate them without taking it personally or losing their faith have a great advantage. Sometimes In real life people let you down, use you and things don’t go your way even though you did your best. You are just being taught the AP class at an age when most people are just getting the Intro Course.

It sounds like it’s in your best interest to not rely on your parents for anything. If you do, even for something small it will probably only end in you being let down or alternatively used against you with strings attached. So if you need to take a taxi to the doctor or gynocologist, just take it. If you can scrap the car yourself, do it. By the time you are twenty three, you can apply to college without your parent’s tax information and there are a ton of ways to build skills or save up until then.

If you can just accept this absense of emotional and monetary help, then you are ahead of the game. Bitterness about how unfair or rough it is is a waste of energy. Focus all of your energy on productive things. (Not that you whined or blamed them at all in your description, but if you are as human as I was I imagine it’s a normal feeling to have. I just want to encourage you to not go there. It’s a huge shortcut if you can avoid it!! If you feel bitterness, then that’s normal but it will set you back.) I read something recently that said that forgiveness is not a gavel that pronounces someone innocent but a pair of scissors that cuts the bond of pain and hate. I hope you approach the idea of your parents with a sense of peaceful detachment. Since you are 18 you do not need them in order to make things happen. Focus on using your time wisely. Immerse yourself in all things positive.

Some other things which resonated with me are how your mother used you as a confidant at a young age. Parents ideally are emotionally mature and stable, but it sounds as if you had to revolve around her to have a semblance of peace. I would consider reading up on codependency. Melody Beattie and Pia Mellody have some great books. Basically your mother put her needs ahead of your own and you had to fend for yourself in everyway possible. It’s twisted. Kids need guidance and shouldn’t be depended on or played as pawns. You shouldn’t have to support them or pay for things for them. You’ve probably developed a lot of coping mechanisms that you needed in order to get by at home, but probably don’t help in all areas of life. I hope it’s as eye opening for you as it was for me.

You can find people who will love you and support you and not make unfounded attacks. You didn’t deserve to be verbally abused and neglected or used, but regardless you can create your own stability and peace.

Concerning everything being your fault and everything you’ve done wrong, you are waaaaaaay too hard on yourself. Yes, it’s good to take personal responsibility….but eveyone is trying the best that they can with what they understand and are capable of at the time. You were not born with the wisdom and experience of an adult and yet you are thrown into situations. Hell, no one is born wise but some people are lucky enough to have paren’ts to guide them. You are trying your best as a kid and without support or guidance. No wonder! Things just aren’t working out in your favor yet. There is nothing “wrong” with you. You are in a challenging situation and you don’t have a good support system…that’s all. *Breathe* You can learn skills to overcome challenging situations an you can grow a supoort system. You sound just as lost as I was at eighteen. Don’t lose hope. There is a lot more I could say, but I’ll leave you with that for now.

Go ahead and leave me an email.

Also, I’ve gotten a lot from meditation. I like Sharon Salzberg’s Metta mediation on youtube.

Keep posting.

Hey Kay,

I’m glad that that resonated with you. Narcissism and codependency go hand in hand. It sounds as though your parents have some narcissism traits as well. I just want to clarify that labels in and of themselves don’t help, but having a better understanding of what you are working with does.

So how are you? Are you still sleeping in your car?

I loved how Lyla put it so succintly. I’m not really sure how you went through all that and have no blame or self pity. How do you manage your emotions and thoughts so objectively??

I’m not sure if you are looking for specific advice about your current situation or stories from people who have been through the same thing or just someone to listen.

A few other things came to mind when I read what you wrote. You said that you wanted to die. If you are like most people, it’s not that you want to die, it’s that you want the pain to end. It will. Keep holding on.

You also mention that you felt worthless, but that’s just based on how the people around you treated you. A baby can shit on a $100 bill, and that doesn’t mean the money is worthless. It just means the baby doesn’t know the worth.

Lastly, I just wanted to suggest since you are working so many jobs to consider something like overnight hotel jobs. When I was younger I found a small bed and breakfast that would let me sleep on the cot until a guest came in. While I was putting myself through school I was able to work late shifts that were quiet and was able to have some time to myself and do homework while I was on the job.

I hope you keep posting.