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  • August 15, 2013 at 1:55 pm #40564
    Matt
    Participant

    Barbs,

    Yes, I do see how your mind works. Its very creative! Creativity is amazing when we have a blank canvas, and the mind is certainly good at painting mazes. 🙂

    Perhaps instead of saying “why does he lie” and launching to judgment about what lying causes, perhaps you could sit and look at what mental and emotional conditions must be present for there to be a lie. Said differently, perhaps it has something to do with avoiding the “barb” aspect of Barbara? As though by saying “Monday” he is safe from something his creativity imagines might come from your side?

    I was in therapy for many years, and it is nothing to be ashamed of! Dumb stigmas!

    Have you watched Ajahn Brahm’s metta meditation on YouTube? Consider checking it out if you haven’t. Consider that there may be a part inside your partner that is tense, like the scared kitten. When the kitten hisses, it comes out of him as a lie. It is not safe, it has not always been safe for him to be honest. As you hold him, bring him to your chest and give him warmth, the kitten relaxes and begins to purr. In your case, perhaps that might look like “I am happy you told your mom, and glad for you to be coming home.” The when and why he said this and that… empty, without purpose to walk that maze. Give hugs, get hugs.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    August 15, 2013 at 4:41 pm #40586
    Barbara
    Participant

    Yes Matt, certainly the mind is creative !

    Yes Im sure he has his reasons – and I did listen to that meditation, and I love kittens, so it is very appropriate. Yes, he also deffinitely has vulnerabilities that are triggered by fear, for certain.

    He is supposed to move in on Monday, and is keeping a bit of distance till then – he seems to be attempting to get me to be independent, and to be able to not need, or cling to him as much. i asked him would he like to go for a drink tomorrow evening, and he said no… not giving much of a reason, but he seems to be kind of trying in some way to stick to the few weeks break till we move in – and I think he sees it as a lesson in discipline for me to wait until Monday! I dont really see the point in it – but he says he has his reasons, which I think are, that he wants me to practice this less clinging way of being. The old Barbs would say – he must be fitting in some activities that he dosent want me to be involved in – but the new Barbs is going to say – ok, perfect, as Im heading out with my friends.

    Maybe thats a good start, and I should do more of that !

    Id like to try to be really more independent – so I hope I will do more on my own : instead of timing everything around him and when he gets in from the restaurant.

    However, a big one for me is not to made a fool of ! I sometimes think he is taking advantage of me, or somehow pulling the wool over my eyes, as they say – but thats my mind running away with itself again I think !

    Thanks Matt,
    Namaste and thanks a million ! 🙂

    August 16, 2013 at 3:11 am #40597
    Barbara
    Participant

    I woke up this morn at 9 am to a phone call, I was still half asleep – he got let go from his job, when he walked into work today, which is awful, as he worked so hard there. He siad he was also talking to an old acquaintance, just before me – (a guy who had actually taken his job before, but they had subsequently built bridges. I asked ”oh how come you were talking to Brian ” – I was just asking as he had done a lot of bad things professionally to my partner in the past – at which point he blew up – said ”why are you asking me that” – So now everything I ask – even if it is out of normal conversation (they had been enemies for ages ) He got annoyed, and hung up on me (as he keeps doing lately whenever he gets remotely annoyed about anything )

    He rang me back and said – ”its over, I dont want to do this, I cant trust you” – ie :cant trust that I am not suspicious of everything at all times. He just said lets move on, ”new start for me”

    Well I guess I have to let him go – as it has been also deeply painful for me – one minute he is moving back, the next he dosent want to see me until Monday – despite the fact that last weekend he benefited of all of our love and intimacy, and seemed happy. Deep down I know he has too many doubts, fears and deep seated bitterness to me, for things in the past, which he continually brings up and reminds me how much I have failed, that I am fragile and my mind is just damaged etc. He said he has to move on , and that I should too. We are meeting today for a coffee – and I guess I have to say ”ok im letting you go ” as I cant deal with this limbo backwards and forwards anymore. I know the relationship has been damaged by my misturst – and he in turn, never opens up to me. So its like a catch 22 – no matter how I try he ”dosent believe” in me, and he said he is always uneasy.

    Bottom line is it looks like he just wants nothing to do with me.

    Like all the others here I guess Im going to have to pick myslef up and move on and try to heal myself.

    Very confused, upset, and dissapointed, as we were going to move back in.

    Barbs.

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