Barbara,

I’m sorry for the painful moments you’ve been having, I know how icky it feels to get pulled into distrustful thoughts and actions. Also, to sit next to someone you love and feel like you don’t know who they are or what is going on in their mind, on their side. I will do my best to give an objective view, as a few things came to heart as I read your words.

When we see someone being themselves, we sometimes judge them from our morality. As a school teacher, this seems like a natural thing to do! When kids break rules, it is helpful and kind to offer them a helping hand by pointing out what they did wrong so they can improve. Sometimes, however, we hold onto the rules more than the children, and we turn from a loving guide into a judge and jury. This is the problem with morality, the shoulds and shouldn’ts can choke our love, our energy.

What we can replace that morality with is awareness. If we drop our expectations of how someone “should” act, the energy of the mind can look deeply at what is there. There isn’t “should”, rather there are causes and effects.

For instance, with children it is easier to see that their home life produces behaviors that have a negative effect in the classroom. With awareness, we are soft, fluidly minded enough to reach out to them in a skillful way and inspire their growth in a better direction… a direction with more favorable effects from their actions. If we slip into morality, we think “you shouldn’t do that, go to the office”. If you think about it, though, how could they act any different than they act? Why does “should” even come up?

If you stop the morality judgement toward marijuana, for example, you have more space to ask “what is weed doing for him?” There is only cause and effect… so what causes are there, what effects are there? You collapse it into “checking out” but that is not nearly the space it needs to lead you into a loving view. From your description, his job seems full of stress, and smoking a joint alleviates that stress. Perhaps it could be seen as a less pure form of meditation, or a tool for relaxation. He’s not posting on tinybuddha, so its hard to say… but to free your mind, it is important to look deeply into the things that you judge, so the energy of mindfulness can become free again. Said differently, it is OK to put children into time outs, but it is not appropriate to give adults time outs (even in our head). Its not just that we “shouldn’t” try to change people, its that we grow from a connection to our inner voice, which is difficult to attune to when others attempt to subjugate our will.

The same is with the white lies. Perhaps he feels you think he should respond right away, which conflicts with the moment to moment needs of his work. If you argue with him and judge him, its no wonder why he doesn’t feel like adding to his stress by calling you back. The white lie is perhaps just his way of acknowledging your importance to him, but without telling you he didn’t feel like calling you back for whatever reason. A simple solution would be to go to him and say “if you don’t feel like calling me back until the end of your shift, that’s fine. You don’t have to defend yourself with a lie, if you see the call and didn’t feel like calling, just say that instead. I won’t take it personally, I know work can be hectic etc”.

All that being said, my teacher told me that the key to a lasting intimacy is that the people need to share a similar view. When two people look out at the world, are they seeing similar things? Are the differences in what they see complimentary or not? Do the differences provide nourishment or poison to the intimacy?

It seems to me like his actions and view are a great teacher to you. They’re giving you the opportunity to turn inward and dismantle the morality that chokes away your energy, your love, your happiness. Things are not black and white, we all have a unique path with different causes and conditions… so keeping our mind open is critical to our own peace. Otherwise our energy becomes compromised every time we see someone act in a way that we deem foolish.

With warmth,
Matt

Barbs,

I’m glad to hear that you’re moving on down the path and exploring! I’m sorry its kind of lonely… it seems normal to me to be a little uprooted from our comfort zone. When my wife has gone away for a few days, the house feels different even though its the same. Almost like her spirit is absent! Those are echoes, and they fade with time as the places move back from “ours” to “mine”.

As far as the other, with him doing things while you’re not there… it sounds codependent. I know it can be difficult, but the need to control his actions is unhelpful for both of you. If he watches some porn and masturbates, why is that about you? Consider that looking at your insecurities directly is far better than trying to prevent the painful conditions from coming up.

For instance, when you found porn on the laptop, perhaps you made your feelings of “not good enough to satisfy him” and “fear of him becoming a porn addict” turn into an attempt to control his behavior. “I want to be special and sexy in your eyes” became “you hurt me with your porn”. All that really does is create conflict inside him, as whatever his urges are drive him to dishonor the promise. Said differently, if you had said “you don’t have to bother with porn, I want you like crazy” you could have promoted a healthy outlet for his sexual energy rather than making him keep it secret or suppress them to please you.

Perhaps the obsession that arises now is because you spent so much energy making sure he acted in a pleasing way for you, that now you are insecure what “porn” really means to him from his side. He might not like it much, might dislike it, or might have only stopped to try to please you. If we don’t give our partners the space to be who they really are, we don’t get to know them very much, leaving us feeling insecure as to how they act when we’re not there to see. Said differently, when we force others to act in a pleasing way for us, we’re never sure if we’re seeing the person or the “pleaser role”.

As hard as it might be, we have to let others be. Just stop. If he wants to watch porn, let him. If he wants to chew gum, let him. We can say that gum chewing and porn scare us, but to say “don’t” is terribly dishonoring to free will.

To step away from the obsessive thoughts, we can smile at them. “Yep, barbs’ thinkin about porn again.” “Yep, there I go spinning around his actions again. Haha.” If you’ve been meditating, you can just take some mindful breaths and do some counting or metta practice. It does get better, you just have to let go. People either fit or don’t, and if we try to make them fit (as opposed to growing together) relationships don’t work… there’s not enough space for both people to find their path to joy!

With warmth,
Matt

Barbs,

Namaste! Instead of leaning all that thought into him, you can hold it on your side. For instance “This is just doubt, a byproduct of my attempts at control… empty of a need to answer, just a craving, part of the karmic cycle. Release, release.”

With warmth,
Matt

Barbs,

It makes sense to me that you would miss him. Perhaps you can just let the old pattern die. Stop clinging to it and let it go, grieve if you must, but it was also quite painful for you!

Consider looking at it a little different. Now there are no expectations, no promises of a future together, no way of knowing who he is anymore. As you self nurture and heal the inner cravings for control, what do you miss? What did you get so wrapped up in? I mean, for instance… was the porn you found such a big deal? In that moment, you could have been laughing and holding hands, but instead it was all drama and discomfort on both sides. In this moment, it could have been kissing and going on a date, but now it is a feeling of forced apart.

So, if you miss him, fight for him! Steadfastly self-nurture and turn away from controlling patterns which moved you to waste so many moments of potential love and joy. Do a metta practice with him as the target, wishing him to find every nook and cranny in this world that brings him happiness, even if its porn or pot or sleeping in. Go out and find your song, that inner goddess who plays and flirts, giggles and is as comfortable being dorky as she is professing timeless wisdom. You’re not a victim here, you’re behind the wheel. You’re smart and dedicated, so don’t be afraid… you’ll find your love. Then with him or without him, your light will be fun and beautiful and nourishing for all who are touched by it, including Barbs. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt