Dear Ella:

The pain from childhood doesn’t go away as we get older. It stays. As we try to feel better, as in taking drugs, we only increase our pain because we add pain to pain. Some of us survive, others don’t. Your lover did not survive past his second or third decade. You survived but still in pain, the pain of your childhood, the pain of addiction, the pain of losing him.

Yes, rehab is a start, resolve that pain-on-top of pain. Eventually, it will be about processing that early childhood pain, weakening that pain so that you don’t feel compelled to alleviate it in any way, no matter how temporary and ineffective.

When we process the early pain, the emotion becomes less intense and we are able to pause and not react impulsively. I don’t think your early pain is about having been poor, living away from the suburbs. I think it had more to do with your mother being depressed, the lack of love with her, how alone you were. Am I correct?

anita

Dear Ella:

It is not your fault that Ryan died. You had nothing to do with his father abusing Ryan when he was a child, you weren’t even there. It is his early pain that led to addiction and to OD-ing. You had nothing to do with that pain, you didn’t cause it and it was not in your power to take it away from him.

It was not your fault that your mother struggled, nor was it your fault that your sister wasn’t taken care of. You didn’t make the decisions, you were not the one who chose to leave your mother’s marriage, nor did you choose what followed.

Remove from yourself false responsibilities. Figure out what you are not responsible for and keep yourself accountable only to what you are responsible for.

What you are responsible for is to no longer abuse yourself, to no longer punish yourself. You have been punishing yourself. No reason to do that, you don’t deserve to be punished.

anita