Hi everyone,

Back again with some sad news. In case you’ve never read my posts before, I am a 23 year old Asian female struggling to balance my life with the approval of my parents and making everyone around me happy.  Updates from my life… since August of 2019, I graduated from university with a degree in English. Ever since then, I was able to obtain an internship at a well-known nonprofit company. After that I looked for jobs religiously but none were hiring someone like me, so I decided to go full force into working at restaurants. I worked two jobs until recently, getting laid off due to COVID-19.

Recently, my best friend decided to cut me off and no longer be in contact with me. I can’t say this isn’t something I expected sooner or later since she did the same thing in 2015, when I was as she put it “making the same bad choices and hurting myself” which had nothing to do with her. When she left the first time, I don’t think I fully recovered from the pain it caused me. And in 2016, when she decided she wanted to be in my life again, it was hard to trust her. It was hard to believe that she would stay and not leave again. Others would tell me that the choices I made had nothing to do with her and she left because somehow you were affecting her with your life choices. Either way, I eventually made peace with it. I stopped hoping she’d come back. But she did… and that was a confusing time.

Fast forward to now 2020, after a year of much bad luck, I’m faced with this again. I have been through a lot within 2019 up until now. I have flipped and totaled my car, I have had to hire a lawyer for court and handle a reckless charge. I have had to struggle in the job market. I have been working myself to the ground with over 54 hours a week. Leaving no time for myself… however I still try to make time for my friends. Somewhere between all that time, I think I lost myself. I think I shut down mentally and the light is on but nobody’s home. So the issue has been that I have been fighting with myself to figure out why I’m like this. It’s like I’ve given up on myself.

I no longer enjoy anything… and I’m always on my phone. I don’t really try to keep my friendships, I don’t talk or text them as often as I should be. That leaves to everyone getting mad and thinking I’m a bad friend. I have trouble managing my time as it is, so I don’t really try to make plans with anyone. It’s always out of fear that I’m going to disappoint them. Often the only time I’ll have is my only day off or some time after work. Both days of which I’m exhausted still, trying to recover from a long week of working. My body hates me for what I put it through. I have never had so much physical pain in my life just working before.

The truth is I’m not present. I’m not there. I haven’t been. I’ve checked out. And everyone around me is angry with me. They are wondering why I can’t be the person I used to be for them. Why can’t I focus? Why can’t I give them my full attention? Why can’t I be on time? Honestly, I don’t know what’s become of me.

The last time we spoke, we made plans to meet. The same day I found out I was getting laid off. I was scrambling to find solutions. File for unemployment, and then go grab any supplies I needed. Because it looked like things were getting pretty serious. In the midst of all this, I forgot to update her and tell her everything going on and she had waited for me for a long time since I was late… so it was the last straw for her. She cancelled our plans that night and cut ties with me.

I can’t say I blame her for everything that’s happened. Although it does suck. I wasn’t there mentally, physically, or emotionally for her. I was just going through too many things. My own flaws I’ll admit are my lack of time management, and I struggle a lot with depression and anxiety. We had been friends for over ten years now. And now I’m alone. Serves me right.

To my best friend, I’m sorry for letting you down. After over 15 years of friendship, you would think we would understand each other. You did what I was afraid you would do in the end, and maybe it’s all my fault this time. I neglected you and I wasn’t there.