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Death, Divorce, and Rejecting "What Is"

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  • August 30, 2013 at 7:25 am #41430
    Matt
    Participant

    Kim,

    I really enjoy they way you’re looking at the experiences you’ve had. On one hand, there is the tragic crumbling of family which would wound even the strongest heart. On the other, you’re looking at the pieces and wondering how to heal. This is such a great place to be, because with a little courage and determination to reclaim your inner peace, transformation can occur! A few things came to heat as I read your words.

    When we become wounded, the body starts working immediately, naturally to heal. When we experience loss, grief is the body’s way of trying to let go, accept, and recalibrate itself to the new path. It can be very painful and isolating, and takes time to settle. What you’re experiencing is normal, usual and unavoidable. Don’t despair, however, because there is always a path to joy. Wounds of the heart are healed most directly by forgiveness.

    Buddha described anger as a hot ember we grasp with the intention of throwing it at someone, but it is our hand that gets burned. Anger arises like a spear in our mind.. thoughts that sharpen and stab at others. For instance, “some hussy sluts her way in and destroys my family? I wanna kick that wench in the hooha.” It feels like it would right the wrong, to payback the injustice with justice. However, all the anger really does is burn away our happiness. Anger is fiery and corrosive, painful to the body, and produces a feeling of isolation.

    So, it is something we look deeply into and set down. It is very usual for you to be pissed off at the ex husband and his wife, because so much of what happened was done with a callous disregard for your feelings. I’m sorry it happened that way for you, dear sister, and your feelings do matter. Your heart was betrayed in many ways, in both the affair, the way he handled the divorce, how you were booted out of your close connections… your pain is very reasonable. Your anger has causes, and because the situation was so twisted, it is tough to untangle them.

    So, forgiveness is something we summon within us and create. We don’t have to wait for it to just randomly blossom some day, instead, we can act in a way that helps us forgive the trespasses against us. Remember, this is not about them, this is about you. Forgiveness is what will help you find the joy you’re seeking. Said differently, when there is genuine forgiveness, the pieces of you which are stuck in the past, pulling your mind back into painful cycles will release, and all that energy will rejoin you in the present moment. Then you’ll be free!

    As tender as I wish to be, the band-aid has to come off. Its time to dig in your heels, take a stand, and let go… which will happen by wishing them well. With as much sincerity as you can (grit your teeth if needed, but try… this is to reclaim your joy!) “May he and his wife be well, happy and peaceful. May no harm come to them. May they always meet with spiritual success. May they have patience, courage, understanding and determination to meet and overcome their problems, difficulties and failures in life. May they always rise above them with morality, integrity, forgiveness, mindfulness and wisdom.” See how violent the mind becomes? That force is what keeps you from peace, from love, from wisdom.

    The release is from a practice called metta. Its a pali word for loving kindness, or the warm and tender sense that arises in us as we wish all living beings well. The self help books won’t do it, the seeking and searching won’t create it… its already in you deeply and profoundly, it just doesn’t arise because of all the layers of anger that rest on top of it. Consider the following practice, which is a guided meditation that helps free the mind from hatred and delusion:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5M1hP4RfS-c

    I know how ugly and uncomfortable hate can be, and with some continued effort from you, the goddess inside will rekindle and find her dance again. Its said that forgiveness is divine, and that’s not because of some wishy washy notion of gaining favor with some heavenly father. As we forgive, we reclaim our inherent divinity, touch inside us the force of love that pours into all beings, whether they are a sweet baby cooing or an ex husband who was emotionally abusive. That is them, their bodies. In us, there is divinity, because love is strong and settled independent of how they treat each other or how they treat us. That’s when our wings can spread, receiving divine love like a sail received the wind, and each step becomes full of warm gratitude for the beauty that flows through and around us. Namaste, sister, may the light and love be yours.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    August 30, 2013 at 2:20 pm #41454
    Ron
    Participant

    I don’t know that I have the wisdom and sage advice of some of the members here on the forum. But I do know a thing or two about hate and anger and a resistance to forgive. My story is nothing compared to your losses, although I have had similar betrayal by the love of my life and in a similar way.

    Perhaps this story can illustrate some fundamental ideas and how I started to approach all my resentments and hate. About 40 -50 yrs ago I was at the park with my best friend and we were playing baseball with some other kids we really didn’t know all that well. When we were done, we jumped on our bikes and took off to go home for dinner. When I pulled up in front of my house I realized my favorite baseball mitt wasn’t on my handlebars. I remembered exactly where I left it, laying on the park benches by the swings, and took off to retrieve it. When I got to the park it was GONE !!! You gotta understand, this wasn’t any mitt, this was THE mitt. This was a gift from a friend of the family. Dennis was the son of my parents best friends and a lot older than me. He gifted the mitt to me a couple years earlier when he graduated high school and went off to college. Of all the things I owned in my short life, this mitt was the most valuable. First, Dennis was my idol, he was a big kid, he played hard ball in a league and could snatch smoking hot grounders out of the dirt with ease, all because of THE mitt. It was a Wilson 6 finger Louie Aparicio ( the White Sox famous shortstop and my favorite player in the world) model and it was all broke in perfectly. I think you get the picture. One of the boys at the park had shown an interest in it and had asked me to try it out. Of course I refused to let anyone touch it let alone put it on and play with it. So when I returned to find it gone I naturally assumed of course it was he who had removed it from the park bench. The next day in school I found the boy and asked him if he had it and to return it, he said no of course. But I knew for sure he was lying and thus started an almost 30yr hatred of this young fellow.

    For approximately 25-30yrs I carried this anger and hate in my heart. Only god knows how enraged I truly was. Anytime a shortstop would make a great play in a ball game I was watching I would remember the mitt and the boy who I knew had stolen it. If someone mentioned Louie Aparicio, dear lord I would cramp up inside like I could tell you. The best way to explain how I felt was to take a wet dishrag and wring the water out by twisting the rag into a knot till yer knuckles turned white. That’s how I felt every time I thought about THE mitt for some 30yrs, till I got to AA. In a meeting one night dealing with Hate, Anger and Resentment the light bulb came on. I finally realized for the first time what I had been doing to myself all those years. Most people go “Really ???” you could let go of that. It’s such a small thing, a silly baseball mitt. But I carried that cross as far as I could, never putting it down, never letting it go. And so I made a mental picture of this guy grown up, living in California while I was still in Chicago. Sitting on the beach in a lawn chair, watching the waves as the sun set on the horizon, drinking a cold beer, relaxed, free of any worries, enjoying the moment and all that life had to offer to soul that was free of trials and tribulation. But me, I was in Chicago, 3ft of snow, wind howling, colder than Hades, and knotting up like the dishrag at the mention of THE mitt. I laugh now when I recant the story and how ridiculous it all seems.

    Again I don’t mean to make light of your losses by comparing them to a baseball mitt. But the Anger, Hate and Resentment were all real. Actually I could say you’re justified to carry any feeling you want towards your Ex-husband right now. Look at what he has done, trying to turn your own children against you, sitting in your church
ect ect. My god, is he completely without a heart and compassion. I would venture to say he is for the most part. In which case you are lucky
.lucky you found out now. Lucky to be rid of him and his callous demeanor. Lucky to be rid of his cheating and lying. Lucky to be living a life of truth and honesty today instead of one filled with deceit. Lucky to know that you were true to yourself and your children, even if they don’t know it yet themselves. Lucky in the realization that the new woman will probably not get a better deal than you did. Do you really think he has recanted, acknowledged his wrong doing, spent any time on introspection or self analysis. Honestly, do you really think he had changed at all. And if he hasn’t, why would you want to be there, in the middle of all of that. You have an opportunity to start anew. Forgiving and forgetting are 2 different things, don’t confuse them. Forgive, let go and move on. Time is not your enemy but your friend. Each day will get a little better knowing you are better off living in truth. The universe rewards action, no matter what it is. Stay the course, do something for yourself that you enjoy. Take time to heal and to love again. Even though you can’t have the same romantic love as you once had, which actually was an illusion, you can love all that is good in your life and all the good people that are still there for you. Love will find you again, I know it, but only if you rid yourself of the anger and resentment. There is nothing more beautiful than a woman who is self assured in the knowledge of her love for the affinity of life.

    Sorry I was so long winded

Ron

    September 1, 2013 at 10:17 pm #41554
    Christina
    Participant

    My heart goes out to you. It is clear that you have loved and cared for others. Now, it is time to love and care fully and deeply for yourself. Maybe you are not ready to forgive ? Trust yourself and ask yourself, ” What can I do right now to take care of myself “? Being “kicked out” of your home must have been very painful. You can spend years trying to figure out someone else’s behavior. Your ex was not thinking nor caring for you when he created this chaos. Perhaps he doesn’t even see or know you. He had an agenda and went forth to meet his needs without care or compassion for the mother of his children. That is his loss. You are now the priority. Put yourself first and foremost. You are worthy. You are valued. You have dignity and honor. Build friendships and a support network. Perhaps join a divorce support group, folks that can truly understand the journey you are on. Bless your new living space. Fill it with your light and love. Forgive yourself for ALL the feelings and thoughts that you have been experiencing. I read this quote ” Sometimes when things are falling apart, they may be actually falling into place” So, as you are on your healing journey; love yourself, be kind to yourself and ask for help, As you let go…what is ahead of you that you desire to grab on to ?
    ~ with compassion ~ christina

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