Dear Anita,

Thank you so much for replying.
It is inherent in my nature to help people and this attitude spills over at work as well. Some of teammates criticize me that Ï have to learn to clean my house first and then clean others’ houses. They think I am not assertive enough and they take advantage of it at times. My team lead behaves immature at times. There are some things I have told him in private, for instance I am new to this and I do not have much experience regarding this process. When telling another team, he puts me down by saying, “where does she have any experience in this.” It was very hurtful because his tone was very offensive, the tone of putting down someone. I thought he was a nice person/leader but I have observed that in more than one occasion he has spoken like this. I might be not so assertive but I think I can make a fine leader if given the chance. I don’t stand up for myself when someone speaks hurtfully and I am not sure of the reason. I ve been hurt a lot in life and experienced so much pain and I never want another person to experience the pain. I am very sensitive. I take all their c*** and don’t speak out but that does not mean i am a doormat. I have feelings too. Me not being assertive has to do with my upbringing and I’ve seen enough bad in the world. I am trying to unlearn so many things and it is taking time to be assertive and stuff on those lines.
I am getting thoughts like “Why should someone boss over me? Just because i don’t talk back that does not mean I am not hurt and just because I help people that does not mean I am not assertive. I finally want to make some good memories in life and make friends.” I value relationships more than anything else but of course no one understands all this.

I know I have to create harmony within myself because being emotional and sensitive is creating problems in every sphere of my life. I have to go within and heal it. In this regard I realized that I do not have to prove to anything to anybody. I have long fought for strenght, recognition (ex- promotions, pay hikes). At this moment in my life I want freedom from all this. Its alright if “they” think I am not assertive (I am new to work and chose it because I like it. I have a lot of prior experience). I’ve had enough of trying to prove myself to managers and now I choose not to! I’ll just do my best and enjoy work. I just don’t like being bossed over by someone (this is something I have to try to heal and will work on it).
If I can bring harmony within myself, all this will not hurt me no matter what. I have to let go off my ego. I’ll try and meditate and calm down and let nothing affect me. I’ll work on making good memories and loving myself in spite of my flaws.

I have tried to be a lion and tiger during different phases of my life. I’ve had those experiences. Now, I choose to be a wolf because i value freedom more, at this stage in my life. I have seen that one can be happy being a wolf as well.

Its so kind of you to have replied back. Take care. Have a nice day Anita 🙂

That’s true Anita. I want to be strong in a quiet sort of way. I wish it wasn’t mistaken for weakness. I am not sure if I am making sense. It’s the same as introverts who get misunderstood.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 6 months ago by humour.

Yes Anita. That’s true. Once I am assertive, I get all sensitive thinking I hurt the other person. I hurt myself because of the overthinking. I have to rewire my brain. Lol