Jon,

In addition to the other wisdom presented, consider that part of the failing may rest in seeing this “negative” vs “positive” duality. Powerful emotions, such as anger, are not “negative”… they’re painful. Painful for you sensing them, and painful for others in feeling them. Said differently, it is an odd and unnecessary step to label the lion’s roaring as negative, because it comes from the painfulness of the thorn in its paw. This is something you already see, however, that perhaps one little twist might free your brothers and sisters from the habitual suffering.

That view arises from your metta, or your desire to see other people happy and content. What a blessing that is! Thank you, for carrying that torch. Now, it is also no surprise that the torch goes out and you get pissy. “Stop polluting my world with your bullshit” or “if you’d only listen and change, you’d overcome this crap”. This might seem like a reasonable response, but of course it isn’t.

The way I balance being strongly empathic and connecting with people that roar, takes a little practice, but it solves the compression inside my mind that leads to anger. Consider the outflow of emotions from people like poop. People eat, then they poop, and depending on what they eat, their poop smells in different ways. People experience their reality, and depending on what they harvest from it, their emotions vibrate in different ways. They perceive injustice, it comes out in such and such a way. They eat spicy curry, it comes out in such and such a way. No surprises, really, just cause and effect. Eat to poop. Experiences to emotions.

So the goal, then, is to be able to experience the emotion in a different way. Consider walking into a bathroom, and smelling the after effects of the person before you. Sure, you might wail and bemoan the stink, but what use does that have? “If only you ate more fiber, this would all be different” or “if only you were more aware/awake/loving/wise then this emotion wouldn’t arise for you, stinking up the place”. On one hand its true, that people can grow toward deeper satisfaction and happiness if they get more spiritual fiber. However, when you take the stink personally, make it about you, then you naturally move toward their frequency, digest their food, become angry yourself, and suffer.

The solution is actually quite simple, but requires pratice. We let it pass through us. My teacher used an example of a strong wind on our front door. It may make sense to try to close the door, keep the wind out. Ignoring their anger, removing ourselves from the presence of angry people, surrounding ourselves with pleasant objects and people. However, this only produced a conditional stability. As soon as we have to weather an angry person, the door flies open and we become lost in our own anger.

Instead, we can open the front door and the back door, and let it pass right through us. This is like going into the bathroom, smelling the stink, accepting its impermanence, and letting our body breathe normally. We sort of “step aside” from the stink of it and breathe in and out. We breathe in stink, and breathe out peace. We see their suffering, and breathe out peace. Yes, there is the appearance of anger, and that is sad for him… anger is a painful emotion. But its not about us, we can breathe, be aware of our breath, of our body, and let it pass right by.

If you don’t have a regular meditation practice, consider beginning one. As you grow your empathy, more and more pressure bangs on the front door, and so remaining peaceful amidst the chaos becomes a very handy tool. Breath meditation helps build concentration, which allows us to be steadfast and grounded when the lions are roaring. Said differently, if you spend time on the cushion developing mindfulness, it is easier to remain intentionally spacious when others are tossing stuff at you.

Finally, consider that when you have that spaciousness to see others energy without getting “sucked in”, then you will also become more skillful at helping them from their side. It is not helpful to tell someone about what step 15 looks like when they are at step 3. They need step 4, then 5, then 6 and so forth. Knowing where they are and what might help them take the next steps toward inner contentment requires deep listening and patience. This is a natural result of becoming more grounded yourself. For instance, it may seem reasonable to advise someone to eat more fiber, but the eating habits may be a symptom, not a cause. So, pushing them to “just eat more apples, dammit” is not as helpful as hugging them, whereby they don’t compensate for their lack of connection with others with habitual eating… and they naturally make more skillful choices without pressure. Where to aim springs up from the heart, which is a softer voice than the mind. Meditation helps the mind become less entangled in the outside, so the inside remains fluid and open.

Namaste, brother, may your roots grow thick and deep.

With warmth,
Matt