You were married for fifteen years- together 15, married 2006.

It was a painful relationship for you.- He had a very harsh upbringing, then lost both parents by the time he was 19, lived in his family farm forever, refused to leave, lived with his identical twin, we lost him at 27 and his older brother died 2 years previous. To be with him I had accepted moving to his family home with my son, (now a condemable) property with his twin brother and his girlfriend where for many years his siblings would come and go whenever they wanted.Though he chose to be with us, he also chose not to, he was always too busy, I guess you could say always up for the fun part on which we connected hugely, we never argued, yet any responsibility he would evade I guess, hates being answerable to anyone,I put up with this. But at the time my thought were we were so close in one aspect, and I loved him and he loved me. I assumed we’d grow together as we grew up.

I was angry and bitter at him for allowing his family to treat me like they did, they didn’t want us to marry, put conditions on the barn we bought(so my name couldn’t be added), though I worked hard and also put my inheritance in. I also became angry at him putting him self first always, example in four years of my boy playing football, he came to watch twice, he doesn’t show interest in the children’s interests unless it’s something he enjoys and openly would say Why would I do that I don’t like it. Angry at making our life so hard, like no heating, frozen pipes and no water year in out for a long time, some thing he was just used too. Being unable to join me in meeting the basic needs of his family, yet making me feel I was asking for the world, ungrafeful etc…We had both grown up very differently so would have very different standards of living. I ended up treated him badly as so much resentment I know that’s wrong, I see that.

Relationship- business and children- Example he has been away for 3 weeks working festivals, taken my eldest, and I felt really proud and pleased he had stepped up, getting my son a job and looking out for him, only to find he had abandoned him to go off with his new woman for much of it. He lied about being behind schedule so may not be coming home Friday, he was lying my son said he was going to his girlfriend on the way and had drop my eldest at a train station. His children have really missed him and were expecting to see him on Friday. I called him and said it would benefit all of us if he was just honest, I guess he was scared of perhaps my reaction. I told him he owes me nothing, but owes it to his children not to confuse them and be honest.

I feel that any question regarding anything that is emotionally based or based on responsibility is avoided, he has pretty much refused to engage in conversation about the relationship saying it’s over and that’s it. I had tried to connect with him over the year on things that were a little more soul searching, he hated it. I felt our relationship needed to grow and strengthen in new ways for it to survive. It didn’t. So when I say fake I mean we talk about the weather, the children, the business, it’s like we now have no common ground but this. I find this hard when you’ve had 15 years together, letting go has been hard. And yes, perhaps it was fake before to some extent, then I began to look for more truth in myself, who I was, why I did what I did…living for the weekend didn’t cut it anymore. He said I was far too analytical and heavy for him. I want to be pulled up on my behaviour and interactions and don’t want to put up with being evaded. I want to love my self, I want the children to see their worth too.

I feel he chooses not to think about what he does, an excuse to behave in his own favour I think, I want to pull him up on stuff, when it effects us, but do it in a non violent way, a way that also helps him to be truthful, less evading.

I hope that helps more, thank you.

Thank you Anita, You sum things up well, I am slowly coming to terms with the bubble I have lived in, it makes me laugh, I imagine my self as a cartoon character, chasing, chasing, love me love me. Over years realising he doesn’t have the capacity for unconditional love.

Though he appears to a fallen head over heels in love with someone else, but the sex with be giving him a connection he is unable to have elsewhere, not with myself, his children, or his family.

I just feel sad at his cowardace, but every day feel my heart is lighter, I know he cannot survive without someone to lick his ego on a grandscale.

So yes just to keep going the way the children I and are going….Our house is more light hearted, we laugh and smile and the love with what we’we got isn’t ruined my someones misery.

Thank you for you time picking apart my post, have a lovely day.