You certainly have a challenging job and the frustration is understandable however my not be helpful.

I suspect if you think back to your student days you would remember how unlikely it was to seek out advice let alone listen to unsolicited help from an adult. Even if you were of the personality type that did listen it is likely you didn’t have the skill set to implement the advice in the moment. Change takes time then happens all at once and it can take years to learn how to deal with anxiety.

Take the above as an example. I could rationally explain to someone that is feeling frustration for advice that is not received as hoped is an unskillful practice. That this feeling of frustration is more about them then the students they are trying to help. If the person the are hoping to help senses the frustration they could feel at a subconsciously level that the problem had been highjacked (no longer about them) and stop listening. They may even feel anxiety about being the cause of that frustration.

Depending on your personality type you might hear the above advice negatively and so pay it no heed 🙂 (If you read on I hope to explain myself as I intend no offence). Even if the advice was heard learning to cultivate a skillful practice is going to take time

As a counselor, I think you must embrace the serenity prayer –  change the things you can change, accept the things you can’t and work on gaining the wisdom to know the difference.

You can’t change others but you can be the change you want to see. I know that might not sound like it applies but I think it does.

I loved watching the Dog Whisperer.  It amazed me that time and time again it was demonstrated that the dog’s behavior originated from the owners. That for the owners to get the change they wanted in their dogs they had to learn to become the change they hoped to see. If they were calm their dogs were more likely be calm. (kind of like the law of attraction).

The dog whisperer talked about being calm and assertive. (the assertive word got him in trouble with dog community which equated assertiveness with aggression but they miss-understood) So I would use calm and intentional.

At the heart of being calm and intention is the ability to listen and respond vice react in the moment.  I would bet that if someone cultivated the practice of being calm and intentional they would have greater influence with those they engaged with. I don’t think its advice that is going to change the situation but how you listen that will create space for change.

Another lesson I learned by watching the show was the problems with dog mind is that it becomes fixated on what it ‘fears’ and can’t look away. In such a state, often all that was required was a nudge on the leash to distract and create space to disengage from the ‘fear’ and see it for what it is. (almost always False Evidence Appearing Real)

I suspect a student experiencing anxiety is more likely to listen to a person that listens in a calm and intentional way and that “knows” when to nudge in order to create space for the student to disengage from the issue they are fixated on and find there own way out.

• This reply was modified 7 years ago by Peter.

Dear Poppyxo:

You wrote: “how can I change  it?” and  answered  previously, Nov 17: “I  simply keep my cool” in relation to your mother (I wonder if you are always successful keeping your cool with her?)

Extend this awareness to everyone, the  awareness that  you cannot change anyone. Not because any particular person is unnaturally  stubborn, but because people are  motivated by emotions, mostly by fear, and you can not calm that fear  of theirs on a regular basis. You cannot be  there with them day in and day out, every moment, and put out that fire, that fear.

When you are aware, in any situation, when interacting  with any  person, that there really  is  nothing  that you can do, it is  very minimal, then you relax.

anita

Sorry  words can get away from me.

To Summarize: Away to deal with feelings of frustration is to make the conscious, recognize the feelings for what they are and let them flow/go.  Notice, experience, breathe and move forward… maybe with a silent prayer or positive thought towards the person you were hoping to help.

The above lead me to thinking about how we direct or don’t direct our conciseness. I suspect most people don’t think of conciseness as something they direct though that is one of the purposes of the practice of meditation. I would argue that such a practice isn’t something to do in an hour but in every moment.

Anyway. I visualize my conciseness as being dog like. Attracted to any experience that stands out especially fear. Sometimes its ok to let my awareness run free but sometimes I need to put a “leash” on it and ask it to heal (return to the still point). Especially when it becomes fixated on fear, a memory or an emotion like frustration which tends to intensifies the situation.  I find doing so in a calm intentional manner is most effective.

My thinking was that if you took up such a practice (however you wish to visualize it) you would be in a better position to influence those you wish to help. I suspect that your frustration with feeling frustrated as well as most of the student’s anxiety is a result of consciousness becoming fixated on the issue or emotion and so not being able to, ‘breathe’ and let the experience flow through.

This brings me to my favorite quote:

“At the still point of the turning world. Neither flesh nor fleshless; Neither from nor towards; at the still point, there the dance is, But neither arrest nor movement. And do not call it fixity, Where past and future are gathered. Neither movement from nor towards, Neither ascent nor decline. Except for the point, the still point, There would be no dance, and there is only the dance.”-  TS Eliot

I believe when we are in the helping profession it’s important to be mindful of whether what we are doing is our own agenda. Of course, we know more often than not what’s good for our clients but we need to be mindful of our agenda. I’m not sure how old your students are because this depends on their age. When frustrations such as this arise (especially if they arise frequently), it’s looking at your own self-care plan to manage these frustrations. Because it’s important to meet each client where they are.