Hi Fred,
Be proud of yourself for acknowledging that you have a problem. Now you are also a step ahead since you know. Every issue can be resolved with the right tools and it seems your partner understands that. Now you need to put the past behind and take positive steps to become a better person.

Simply put, change the way you think. Angry people tend to curse, swear, or speak in highly colorful terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When you’re angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, “oh, it’s awful, it’s terrible, everything’s ruined,” tell yourself, “it’s frustrating, and it’s understandable that I’m upset about it, but it’s not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow.”

Be careful of words like “never” or “always” when talking about yourself or someone else. “This !&*%@ machine never works,” or “you’re always forgetting things” are not just inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that your anger is justified and that there’s no way to solve the problem. They also alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution.

Give anger management classes a try and/or couple counseling. The idea is to find out what it is that triggers your anger, and then to develop strategies to keep those triggers from tipping you over the edge. Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in our lives. You have already mentioned messy rooms and uncleaned/uncleared dishes, so problem solve this. Make a plan with your partner, schedule a cleaning task and time and check your progress along the way.

2nd. Don’t say the first thing that comes into your head when you’re angry, but slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering.

3rd. Use humor. “Silly humor” can help defuse rage in a number of ways. I was once upset that I broke my fav mug and I even refused to throw it out. My husband came and saw it and volunteered to throw it, while he was talking to me I was fuming in my mind thinking that ‘I told him to buy 2 sets but he refused it and now we probably can’t find the matching one’. In a rude tone I told him to give it a proper funeral, he walked back into the office room where I was, played the America’s Song of Remember on the computer, placed the mug on the table and was saluting it and giving a military speech on it’s tasty tea’s and coffee time. My anger vanished and I could not stop laughing. Just like that i was able to see how silly was the fact I was getting angry and blaming him in my mind. But remember humor is not appropriate when you are having a serious conversation.

4th. Change your environment. If you find yourself coming home to a messy house, set a ground rule that aside from saying hi and hugging your partner lock yourself away in a bedroom or washroom. You and your partner don’t speak for at least 15mins. In that 15mins you talk it out with yourself or right down the things that are irritating you. This will give you perspective on what to say and how to say it. It will also help to reduce a bit of stress. I like to take a shower when I come home from work. This way I don’t have to say I’m angry/upset or that I need 15mins away from you.

5th. Timing. Try not to argue when you’re hungry. Lack of food in our system causes us to become irritable and if ignited could lead to serious angry outburst. So make sure you and your partner have had your meal or snacks before you approach with what’s bothering you or what needs to be fixed. Before starting of any discussion have a full glass of water, and also keep a bottle/glass of water in your hand during the discussion. This will prevent you of using your hand in dramatic ways which may in the past have had lead your partner to think “oh he is getting worked up” and may have caused your partner to become defensive. After all approx. 60% of our communication is done through our body language. Also having a glass of water in your hands can work as a reminder to drink water when your partner is saying something that is making you angry. This act will bail you out of saying something worse.

I wish you luck my friend and remember every person has the ability to change, all they need is will to change.

Hi Fred,

You seem self aware and sincere about this. The advice above is amazing – you need to be very grateful for this.

Taking a leap here Fred. Generally, you cannot control everything. “Messes” will happen. Even if you get your gf to change, which is not necessarily advised, what happens when you have kids someday? Or when you have a party there? Or, your cube mate or boss at work is messy. Or, Fred when you or they are sick, or old and gray? Will you deal with those cases with hard requirements that if not met will result in dire consequences? Or, will you show patience and compassion? Something to think about. If you are having something like control issues, look into what you can do to find some balance.

Big blue

Hi Fred,

I, too, think it’s very brave that you are able to admit that the way you’ve been acting is damaging to your relationship. That takes a big person who is working hard on being conscious, so I hope you can give yourself a pat on the back. Is there a reason that you are adverse to professional help? As someone who has used counselors to work through my own anger issues, I believe that a neutral, outside prospective can often be very helpful in ‘zooming out’ on the issues and then helping you to tackle them from the roots. Regardless of what you choose to do, I wish you all of the best, let us know how you work through this.

Ashley