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Dealing with an introverted boyfriend as an extrovert

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Viewing 11 posts - 1 through 11 (of 11 total)
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  • February 15, 2017 at 7:23 am #127685
    Peter
    Participant

    It is not unusual for Introverts and extroverts to be attracted to each other. The difference ways in experiencing the world complement each other and lead to individual growth and so can be a gift. – There is a time for all things.

    Both introverts and extroverts are challenged to reframe their view of their partner from judgment and resentment for not being more like they would like them to be, to gratitude for the value that they do bring into their lives. As this process evolves, appreciation replaces criticism and acceptance replaces judgment. It does take work and it does take time, but as countless couples know from their experience, the payoffs more than justify the effort.

    I found the following books helpful in understanding this idea of the introvert and extrovert. I think you will discover that each of us contain both attributes which manifest in different areas of life.

    Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain
    The Positive Power Of Negative Thinking by Julie Norem

    https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-introverts-corner/201509/5-crucial-tips-introvert-extrovert-couples
    https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-introverts-corner/201612/how-date-introvert

    February 15, 2017 at 8:01 am #127691
    Lee
    Participant

    I am not a relationship expert (far from it), but your story is a little like mine, so I’d like to share my thoughts.
    I’m not an extrovert myself. I love being on my own, working by myself etc. However for many years I had a sales job, so I’ve learned to flick a switch inside my head and be bright and bubbly, like I had to be if I wanted to make the sale! But when I do this it makes me super tired, it’s like I only have a certain amount of social energy and I’m burning it faster to be extra friendly.

    My husband has precisely one tenth of the social energy I do. He makes *me* look like an attention seeker. When we first met, he was quite chatty, interested in what I had to say and so on. But as months passed I noticed that it was always me making conversation. I can guess what he would love for Christmas… but two weeks into December he always asks me to update my Amazon wish list because he’s going to buy something from there and not surprise me at all.
    Was our relationship doomed from the start? No way! It took me years to realise it, but when he was being talkative and really involved and interested in me, he’d been burning up his social energy twice as fast – because he realised he wanted to keep me. No-one can keep that up forever, eventually you have to let your guard down and be yourself.

    What I’m getting at is, judge the man by his actions because he’s not always good at getting out words. He’s quiet and distracted, yes – but out of 7.2 billion people on this planet, he chooses to spend time with you and no-one’s forcing him to. Time is the most precious thing we can share, and sharing his time with you is a greater compliment in his eyes than a three hour conversation or going to a club.

    Do briefly consider also that very quiet, high-achieving people can sometimes be hiding Autism Spectrum Disorder, even if they don’t know they have it. I don’t know your boyfriend and I’m not a psychiatrist, but just consider the possibility because it is interesting. Contrary to popular misconceptions of ASD many people are never diagnosed and lead very normal lives. They are often highly intelligent, loyal and loving people. But sometimes you might find they’ve stopped listening to you and are engrossed in something else. In school you might think someone who did this was badly behaved, or in a relationship you might think he’s not into you any more. Neither is true; this person just has a different way of looking at the world than you do. And just as he has to pull himself into your world sometimes, you must learn to exist in his occasionally too.

    Now this doesn’t mean you have to change who you are if you want to stay with him. You’ll need to put your foot down gently sometimes too. Your man needs to be aware that it’s good to be dragged out of his shell sometimes. You just need to show him without making him feel uncomfortable – not least because he’s not done this before. Going out for dinner with friends is usually a safe bet, because he’s being social just by being in the room, and you can be the talkative one! If something like that helps you find your rhythm as a couple, so much the better. Relationships are like a dance. The two partners dress differently and do different moves, but no-one turns up to a show to watch one person dance on their own. The beauty is watching them together.

    Good luck 🙂

    February 15, 2017 at 8:51 am #127709
    Fruzsina
    Participant

    Hi Peter,

    Thank you for your reply, I appreciate the links you have sent me and that quote is very beautiful. It gives me hope that this can work out and I know that opposites often attract. After all, we are only 3 months into our relationship.

    Thank you for your recommendations and have a wonderful day!

    February 15, 2017 at 9:11 am #127719
    Fruzsina
    Participant

    Dear Renedubois,

    Thank you for taking your time to help me through this. You have made me realise that it’s very important to try and understand why introverts act the way that they do. I think in my head I thought of extroverts as the norm and introverts as the exception – a lot of my family and people who I am close to are all extroverted. I didn’t realise that me asking my boyfriend to be energetic around me could actually be a strain on him and his energy levels, so I think we need to meet in the middle. Being his first girlfriend, I can tell he is already trying so hard so I should be patient and give him time to grow comfortable with being around someone so much.
    I must say I don’t feel I am in a good place in my life right now, I am constantly stressed due to university projects and feel I don’t give myself enough love. Maybe it is time for me to work on myself so that I can strengthen and nurture the relationship I have with others. When feeling as fragile as I am now I think I have the tendency to rely on others and it’s up to me to create a happy life for myself.

    Thank you, I will try my hardest to not overthink this situation and stay patient. All the best to you!

    February 15, 2017 at 9:37 am #127725
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Fruzsina:

    If you had your boyfriend’s childhood, his parents, you would probably be introverted yourself and if he had your childhood with your parents, he would probably be extroverted. Neither one of you is in the right, needing to pull the other the “right way”-

    It is wrong, really, to expect another person to act opposite to well established inclinations. You don’t want him to fake enthusiasm, do you..? If he has tried doing this for you, no wonder when he gets tired, it is too difficult for him to fake it.

    In your original post You wrote: “it feels like effort to be with him because I always have to have the conversation flowing and provide energy for both him and myself.” In your most recent post you wrote that you are “constantly stressed” and overthinking. Maybe it will be better for you, when you spend time with him, to unwind and relax instead of trying so hard to keep a conversation flowing and expanding energy. Maybe, after all, you and him, at this time, need the same thing- to slow down, relax, unwind, be quiet, just hold hands and relax.

    anita

    February 15, 2017 at 10:00 am #127727
    Fruzsina
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for your words. I think you are right, life isn’t always sunshine and rainbows and I cannot expect to constantly smile and laugh through it all. He has his own stress to deal with and I understand I can be a lot to deal with also. When I think about the relationship I have with my parents and close friends, I remember that I have off days or times with them also and it doesn’t mean that we love each other any less. I think what triggers fear in my mind is that stereotypically, couples are supposed to be all loved up. In my mind, we are ‘supposed’ to be in our honeymoon stage where everything is all perfect and we are so in love.
    I make the mistake of comparing our love to others’ and I think what I need to really do is take a step back and ask myself if his quietness bothers me because I need more than that or it bothers me because it doesn’t meet the standard of a ‘good relationship’ that I have imagined in my mind. Before him I only had one boyfriend, however I didn’t love that person for who he was, I was young and in love with the idea of love. This relationship is much different and deeper, I love him for who he is and I guess it is the first healthy relationship in my life. I am still figuring out how relationships work myself and it might take us a while to figure out but maybe at the end of it all our bond will be stronger than ever.

    February 15, 2017 at 10:16 am #127729
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Fruzsina:

    I think you have excellent insight, especially considering how young you are. If you compare your relationship to ones you see in movies, well, a movie is only two hours long. If a camera captured you and your boyfriend for a month or more (lots of filming, weeks or months- or more- of it so to produce a two hour movie), the short movie of your love story will also appear exciting. In real life, excitement is diluted in long times between the exciting episodes.

    And if you compare your relationship with photos people post on Facebook or in the old fashioned photo albums, those photos capture split seconds of visible happiness. Again, in real life, the people having a good time in the photos experience lots of boring and down time in between.

    anita

    February 15, 2017 at 10:43 am #127735
    Fruzsina
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you, that is very true indeed. We do have beautiful moments and they are the ones I should focus on and put my energy into. There is a wonderful quote “where attention goes, energy flows” and I think it would be helpful to remind myself of this as often as I can.

    Fruzsina

    February 15, 2017 at 10:52 am #127739
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, Fruzsina. My thought about your quote: energy can flow in a calm, measured way- best kind of flow in the long run.
    anita

    February 15, 2017 at 12:35 pm #127771
    Peter
    Participant

    You have made me realize that it’s very important to try and understand why introverts act the way that they do.

    In my opinion that is indeed a key step in what some call – Learning the ‘love language’ of our partner.
    (and of course your partner needs to understand your tenancy to be a extrovert)

    October 3, 2017 at 1:11 pm #171387
    Allie
    Participant

    Hi Fruzsina,

    Hope you are doing very well.

    I am dating a very similar man with the same personality traits (and your personality sounds a lot like mine) and I was wondering how your relationship is doing now (today is 10.03.17).

    I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a year and 6 months and still struggle with his quietness or that I primarily have to be the one to engage him in conversation (about anything).  There are other personality traits that he displays (that I find myself feeling like I’m being too needy), being quiet is just one of the main ones in our relationship.  And I just need to clarify that having quiet time is perfectly fine with me, it’s just that it feels like he is actually “withdrawn” during these quiet times (he actually described himself as withdrawn).  We have made this change where he states, “I need to check-out for a bit,” and it has helped, but then there are times when I have to say, “I need you to check-in,” and he completely understands that he needs to be engaging.  My only concern with this is that I’m not sure if I want to be with someone that it is unnatural for them to be open and outgoing and easy to smile and communicate (I feel like this is going against the grain for him and is that fair to him?).

    The part that is most confusing is that in the beginning, he was just the complete opposite (he was outgoing, engaging, smiling from ear to ear, making me feel loved, and that he was “into me,” please know that I was also just as happy and completely into him), but I realize now, that I was bringing those feelings out of him, but they are not his “primary” personality traits.  As time progressed, that energy and happiness (he displayed) dissipated and now only comes in waves.  He is a wonderful man and will drive long distances to see me (we live in different states) but I feel I am constantly re-assuring myself that he loves me or that he is into me (by reminding myself of his “actions”) because of the lack of engagement and verbal communication.

    I’m curious to know how you all are doing now.

    Thanks so much for your feedback.

    Sincerely,

    Allie

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