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Dealing with a Toxic Mother

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  • September 20, 2018 at 10:56 am #226503
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mystique:

    “I love my mother, she has many great and wonderful personality traits”- a child automatically loves her mother, every child does, no matter who the mother is. This strong love is biological, the child needs the mother to survive, therefore she loves her.

    “No matter what atrocious insult comes out of her mouth when she’s angry or in pain we’ve had to swallow it with a smile”- but that didn’t lessen her pain or her causing you/ others pain. Why swallow it then, and why swallow it with a smile.

    “I feel as though if I do this she will not be learning anything. She will not take responsibility for her actions/ inactions”-

    She will  not be learning anything no matter what you say or do. What she did learn early on is that abusing you and others is allowed to happen so she makes it happen. It is her habit. If you don’t allow her to abuse you personally, she will not be significantly deprived because she has others to abuse.

    Let’s say you end a phone call with her or a visit in person once she starts verbally abusing you: if you were the only abuse-recipient in her life, she may learn to no longer abuse you so to not be completely alone. But she has other people available, therefore she is likely to abuse you again no matter what you do. If you don’t like it, too bad, is likely to be her attitude because she is not desperate for your company, she has others.

    “What do I do?”, you asked. My answer: bring that cake to your father, walking through the war zone called your mother. Maybe she will be firing at you, maybe she will not. But with courage and a cake, make it through. After that, stay away from her, simply stay away.

    She will be just as she is now without you in her life. On the other hand, you will be better off without her in your life, and so will your husband and children.

    anita

     

    September 20, 2018 at 12:19 pm #226513
    Veronica
    Participant

    Hi Mystique,

    I just want to applaud you for noticing your mom’s unfair/toxic behaviors and still learning to live in harmony with her. I’m willing to bet you had to sacrifice a lot of your own needs, wants and emotional health to do that. I haven’t been as graceful in dealing with my mom’s manipulative behaviors.

    “She will continue to manipulate me and make me feel guilty for not doing what she wants.” Exactly. You did the right thing to confront her. The saddest part of gaining all this insight into dysfunction is realizing that she is unaware of how dysfunctional her behavior is. She doesn’t know she is being “manipulative” or “irresponsible,” she is simply doing what she knows will get what she wants and needs. And she was probably treated the same growing up.

    This isn’t to say that you shouldn’t hold her responsible. It will be painful. There may be greater conflict and distance. But please do not feel guilty or “bad” for protecting yourself and being a reasonable adult. Is there a way you can speak with her rationally, and say things along the lines of: “Mom, I want this party for dad and I know you do too. I can call my mother-in-law this time if you’re uncomfortable with it, but I think it would be good if you reached out to her eventually. Is that okay?”

    It may be a bit idealistic to think she’ll be receptive, but at least you said your part and attempted to compromise and reconcile. It’s the next day now so I’m hoping you guys were able to figure something out, but I just want to affirm you again for recognizing dysfunction and standing up to her. Abuse is never okay, verbally or otherwise.

    Hoping for the best,

     

    veronica

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by Veronica.
    September 20, 2018 at 7:01 pm #226541
    Hey Its Jess
    Participant

    Hey Mystique!

    Sorry you had to go through all that. To some extent, I can relate to you. A lot of our problems arise when we try to change others or try to control external situations.

    Was that call from your in-laws really worth the argument you had with your mother?

    I feel that things really get easier if we act out of love and acceptance. Understandably, her actions hurt you a lot but you are really lucky that you don’t have to live with her and have a loving family of your own.

    Maybe when she is in a good mood, you can suggest therapy.  Both of you can go together, it may help your relationship.

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