Dear Heartbrokengurl:

You wrote that you want to show him that you are worth sticking with. This means to me that you are waiting to feel valuable, waiting for a future date when he will give it to you. Rejection by him would mean you are worthless. For as long as he is not rejecting you, there is hope. That hope combined with the waiting, and the once per week get together, is agonizing, isn’t it?

anita

Dear Heartbrokengurl:

I am reading your latest post about 20 hours after you posted it. I wonder if you had the talk with him since, and if so, what was it about?

Also, would like to know how you are you feeling as you read this, if you are still shocked, otherwise?

anita

Dear Heartbrokengurl:

Glad you are feeling better and that the talk last night was long and honest.

Maybe he feels how much you need him, although you just met him recently, how strong of an impact his behavior has on you, and it is a burden for him. Possibly, if he is a decent man, a person with lots of conscience, such emotional dependence on your part is burdensome.

If so, it will be very helpful for the relationship, this beginning relationship, if he feels more equality in terms of who is the strong one and who is the weak one. You should both be strong and weak, responsibly, with each other.

When I felt very weak and dependent a man, I did not imagine him needing me. In reality, men are not stronger than women, men have the same emotions as women. Men get hurt just as women do.

My hope is that the two of you will be there for each other, helping each other.

anita

Dear Hearbrokengurl:

What will happen in this beginning relationship, possibly to continue, should not mean an emotional life-or-death situation, the beginning of all or the end of all. This relationship, as desirable as it is for you, it is not necessary for your survival. The “heart broken girl” of before can be heart broken again and survive it.

The key is to get to a point where you do more than surviving, a point where you don’t feel so dependent on what a man will say and do. He is not a god and it is better for the two of you that you will not see him as such. Some men will enjoy it, maybe. To others, it is a great burden.

You wrote: “what will happen will happen.”- I like this attitude.

anita

Dear Heartbrokengurl:

You are welcome. Thing is, with your anxiety, no matter what the guy says and does, following a moment of calm and even euphoria, the anxiety will return: what’s next, what if… it is okay now, but the next moment he may leave… The solution to this anxiety, to this “emotional roller coaster” is to get off the ride, that is, to not be subject to those ups and downs, sharp turns, the experience of a roller coaster.

If you believe that you are okay regardless of what the man says and does, you are off that ride.

anita

Heartbrokengurl:

I know the feeling all too well! I did the exact same thing as you! When I was dating a few people before I met my boyfriend I had anxiety if they didn’t text right back or if they didn’t call me when they got off work or if they didn’t make plans with me for the weekend, etc. It took a lot of self coaching and I had to constantly tell myself that if they for some reason didn’t text me back or call me, I was going to be okay and everything happens for a reason whether bad or good. I also did the same thing with my boyfriend. It lasted for a good 6 months or more but the more you become familiar with that person, their routine, texting habits, etc it becomes easier. My boyfriend and I are at the point where if either one of us doesn’t text we know it’s because we’re busy and can’t reply but we always do. We have built that trust with each other but it did take some time. I honestly kept all my fears inside and never really spoke to him about them. If something bothered me, I told him. Like a few times I’d ask him what his plans were for the weekend and he’d say “Don’t know yet or I’ll let you know” and the anxiety struck me. I’d relax and just have faith that we’ll make plans for each other and he always would pull through. I know exactly what you are going through and it does get better! Just takes time and trust and you’ll build that solid foundation.

Dear Heartbrokengurl:

I don’t agree with your friend’s advice because

1) it should not be up “to him to clarify what we are”- it should be up to him and you to clarify what you, as a couple, are or may become.

2) I read no evidence in your sharing that he has the inclination to “dictate… or … walk all over (you)”-

It is you who has placed yourself in submission to him/ other men in the past. It is you who look up to them as gods who will decide or dictate your future well-being or lack of. It is not he who is subduing you and dictating for you.

I think that your well-being is about you taking charge of your life, you not feeling so dependent on another, being an equal part of a team, or a potential team… a team in progress.

anita