I’ve never done anything like this before, it’s not something I can talk to friends or family about, but I feel as though I need some kind of outside input.

To start off, I’m a 41 yo man.  I’ve been married for 18years now.  Before any negative thought are put out there, pls read.  I realize most will think what they will and that fine, I’d honestly like all opinions.  Anyway, 18 years.  My wife got sick about 8 months ago.  After in and outs at the hospital, the last one being a solid month, she was released to come home the beginning of sep.  After we got her settled back in, the fighting started.  I blew it off, she’d been under a lot of stress, who could blame her.  I never thought any of it was intended for me.  Until one day she told me she wanted me gone.  She didn’t want me to watch her “die”.  Even though I knew that wasn’t really a possibility.  I didn’t leave tho.  My work keeps me away for long periods of time, but every chance I had to come home I would.  But every time, it was always fighting, I still tried to come home.  At some point, I just stopped.  We talk everyday on the phone, more often then not, it ends in fighting as well.  It’s always over stupid things, insignificant things that don’t even matter.  I haven’t seen my house or my wife in almost 5 months now.  I’m unhappy and feel I need to change something.  But that’s another issue as well.  I don’t have kids of my own, but she had 3 when we married.  I’ve helped to raise and support them as if they were mine.  Even have Wa grandson now, he’s my world.  I stay with a friend when I do get in.  His mom brings him to me, it’s the the only thing I look forward to anymore.  One day, not to long ago, my wife told me over the phone.  If you ever leave me, you’ll never see him again.  That hit me hard…

That was just the back story to the real reason I’m posting this, lol.  Sry…  I play Mobil games a lot, helps me to escape, get my mind off things.  I meet a woman during this time.  I didn’t think anything of it, I’ve meet a lot of ppl doing it, men and woman alike. Being around a certain group of ppl for a period of time, personal things come out in the open.  This woman found out about experiences I’ve had in the past and she started asking questions about them.  Nothing major, innocent, a lot of them asked questions actually.  But, the more we talked, the more I wanted to know her.  Didn’t matter what it was, I wanted to know it.  Then, I started feeling something.  I didn’t want to acknowledge it, tried to deny it in fact.  But one day we were talking, which we did everyday, still do.  It came out.  At some point along the way, I fell in love with her.  I didn’t want to, shouldn’t have, but I did.  I believe that a person can’t control how they feel, only if it’s expressed.  Since it came out, i wasn’t taking it back.  I knew from the very second it happened, nothing would or could come from it.  She knows without a doubt how I feel and I know how she feels.  It doesn’t stop me from feeling what I do tho.  I even tell her I love her every night before she goes to sleep (not a good thing, I know).  She knows me better than any person, including my wife.  I’ve told her things that my wife doesn’t know, nobody does.  She’s told me things about herself that none know.  I can honestly say, I’ve never felt the way I do about another, as I do for her.  My heart belongs to her and no other.  I’m stuck tho…  Forever to be her friend.  Which I will gladly do, no matter to cost to myself.

Nothing can be done.  I can either choose to try and step out of that “friend” zone and possibly try to further what may or may not be there.  Could cost that friendship altogether.  The lose would destroy me.  In more ways than one.  It could cost me her, but it would definitely cost me my grandson.  Or, I could do my best to remain where I’m at, as just the friend.  Never knowing what could be, if it could be.  Staying in this place I’m so unhappy with.  Only getting happiness when I talk to her or see my grandson.  Obviously, there’s been some details left out, but the general setting is there.  Any advice, opinions, anything, would be greatly appreciated.  If there’s questions that need answered, pls ask, I’ll answer if it helps me to gain some kind of control over all this.   I would like to add that we’ve never been together.  There have been a few times where the opportunity for me to be with another woman has been there, I’ve turned all down.  It makes me feel guilty, but not in the way it should.  I feel like I’m wronging her (not my wife), for even considering to possibility.  I find it hard to even attempt to talk to another woman, even if it’s purely friendship, because it feels wrong towards her.

sry for the length, thank you for your time.