Dear Heartbrokengurl:

You asked for the reader’s thoughts, so here are mine:

You started the association with this man with “extreme anxiety” (your words on the May 5 thread, regarding same man), fearing that he will leave you from the very beginning of your association with him

This extreme anxiety is like fog that caused you to distrust your other feelings, hurt and anger. I will explain:

You think he is honest (“I appreciated his honesty”) for telling you he is involved with another woman, but you are ignoring the fact that he was dishonest with you from the beginning of your association with him, throughout the first date, throughout the second, sex included and throughout the sex on the third date.

It is assumed (as unwise as it is, but still) that a man advertising himself as dating, is not otherwise involved. When you had the dates with him, you assumed he was single, not involved with another woman. If he was honest, he wouldn’t be dating for as long as he is otherwise involved, and most significantly, for you, he would have told you before having sex with him so that you were able to make an INFORMED decision.

Your feelings of hurt and anger are valid and justified (“I was a bit upset… kind of hurt”).

As to your questions: “So now I just wait I guess?  …Do I move on, or wait and see if he comes to me?”

My answer: calm yourself enough (that anxiety), so that you can think clearly, and so that you get to know him. Assume nothing. Ask questions. Don’t take the passive role in your own life, waiting, hoping.

anita

Heartbrokengurl,

I had this same exact situation happen to me. Actually twice. The first guy was seeing another female and I found out only because of his behavior and how he’d disappear on the weekends and was just very vague. I asked him and he finally admitted he was “talking” to someone else. Even though how hard I tried that just didn’t sit well with me and I had to end it. We weren’t dating, we weren’t official, same situation as you. Just the thought of it made me ill and I believe when your “talking” to another person you shouldn’t be sexual with them to begin with. He was basically playing both of us is how I felt and ended it.

The second person I started seeing became sexual after the 2nd date. He was not seeing another person and was honest about that but we just ended up not having the same goals and desires as one another and I ended the relationship. He was also a closet alcoholic I found out.

If I were you I’d be nervous and anxious as well, you have every right to be. I don’t think I’d continue the relationship because you just met and people do lie… even though you feel as if he really cares for you. If he really truly cared, he wouldn’t be seeing another person and also having sex with them. I believe when you find the right person, you can ONLY think and be with that person.