Dear Cee:

Your thinking and reacting to him reads reasonable to me. To give this relationship a chance, there is only one way for you to go about it: to give him the space he needs. I wouldn’t have a casual relationship with him, as in sexual-without-commitment, so to accommodate him! But I will give him his space- no pressure on him whatsoever. Let go of any expectations (other than him being honest and respectful to you).

Meeting new people- absolutely.

anita

Hi Cee,

I wonder if there will ever be any potential in this to be perfectly honest.
He has quite clearly told you he is still heartbroken over somebody else, and although he has said it’s nothing to do with you (you haven’t done anything wrong) this is his way of breaking things off gently, I believe.

I wonder if you got involved a few weeks or months down the line that you would end up getting hurt because of his obvious honesty with the way he is at the moment. You’ve only known him a short while, so I wouldn’t really hold out on anything progressing. But as Anita said, if you completely give him space and leave it, things may work out, but no time soon.

I agree with Anita.  You should drop any effort on your part to close that space between you and resist the temptation to ask him what’s wrong.  Definitely do not step up your efforts in order to get him to respond to you.  You should continue to resist calling him or emailing him or dropping by his place on the spur of the moment.  Let him make the choice to come to you when he is ready.  If it’s meant to be, things will progress when they should.

I do n`t think that you required any help, just confidence perhaps.  Nobody is perfect, we are all only a product of past experience.  We all have old tapes containing past experience replaying in our heads, and most of us can be perfect when we are not even being tested.

Hi Luli,

I do think it makes a difference that you have only known him a short while. Like PoppyXO, I think he has indeed rethought this relationship and is trying to let you down gently. It certainly sounds that way.

I also think you should give him space. You have your own life to lead, so don’t be constantly at his beck and call every time he wants your company, don’t jump every time he asks for your time and attention. It will make you appear needy.  It’s selfish of him to expect that you will just be there whenever he needs your company, and you will be constantly hoping for more than just friendship. Which may never happen. I would give him time, occasionally, as any friend would do, but not all of your time, all the time, when he is calling the shots. Like Anita said, no casual sex either!

I hope this helps.

I have dated a lot.  It is hard to find a guy nowadays who actually wants to commit.  So many have experienced heartbreak and fear moving forward.  It is much easier for them to keep their options open and stay casual.  The biggest complaint I’ve heard from guys in the dating world is that the females become needy and often expect too much too soon.  You are already talking about a future when you should be more focused in the friendship aspect … getting to know him and see if he is right for you.  The best advice I’ve heard to keep myself from expecting too much too soon is to focus on enjoying each moment you spend together, with no expectations of the future.  This kind of relaxed interaction is refreshing to guys, as so few females seem to exhibit it nowadays.  Future-thinking can cause anxiety on both sides and is one of the biggest reasons for guys to feel pressured and bail.  Another reason for guys to back-off is being emotionally unavailable … which may be apparent in this case, as he readily admits he’s still thinking of someone else, so not really available to you at this time.

Hey Cee,

What I’m about to say goes against everything society teaches us (that women are supposed to sit on their hands until the man asks them out), but instead of sitting back and waiting for him (and moving on if he doesn’t return in X amount of time), why not make a move yourself?

There is nothing wrong with it – In fact, many men really like and appreciate it sometimes!

Good luck dear

I don’t know if this helps, but when I met my partner he was just out of a long relationship and after a few months it was obvious he was not ready to be involved again. I let him go. I asked him not to contact me. We both dated other people. After two years he came back to me. We have now been together for 12 years in a wonderful relationship. He is the love of my life. Of course I’m not saying you will have the exact same experience, but letting him go was one of the best decisions I ever made.