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Dating, anxiety and old habits..

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  • September 19, 2016 at 2:44 pm #115631
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hey guys,

    I’m not one to usually post on the forum but I’m at a lose end. I met a guy online and we’ve been chatting nonstop for the past 3 weeks, we have a lot in common and the same kind of humour. I haven’t formally ever dated anyone, have only ever been with people I’ve known as friends and I’ve been off the dating scene for 4yrs… I’m now 28. He asked to meet for drinks and I said yes… Which was a huge step for me. I suffer from severe anxiety… Mostly triggered by change. I am completely out of my comfort zone and was so incredibly nervous when meeting him, but he told me not to worry and it went really well.. We didn’t stop talking for 3hrs. He’s so lovely and seems completely different to anyone I’ve dated before.

    That was on Thursday, we spoke as normal over the weekend but today I haven’t heard a peep… I realised its the first day since we started talking that we haven’t spoken and my anxiety is through the roof, because I guess I’ve grown accustom to hearing my phone ping a few times a day. I feel like I’ve gone insane and I haven’t felt like it in years. We’ve only met once, for Christ sake! My head in its anxious state is telling me message him, but that seems needy? I don’t want to come across that way. I just want something to go well for once. My whole life has been plagued with anxious thoughts and I’m trying so hard to kick the habit but by contacting him, I feel I am also failing myself.

    He hasn’t asked me out on a second date yet, he goes on holiday at the end of this week. I’m so out of touch, I really don’t know how to play it… Do I just back off and wait for him to make a move/contact me? Do I pursue him?

    My anxiety plays really stupid tricks on my mind, so this may come across as ridiculous to some people out there but it’s very real to me and I’m really hoping someone might understand because I don’t want to mess up a good thing. Am I a complete lost cause?

    September 19, 2016 at 7:15 pm #115653
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sarah Louise:

    You wrote that you suffer from severe anxiety. If this budding, possible relationship with this man it to be, he will have to know of your anxiety. You can’t hide it, and if you try- he may misinterpret your anxiety fueled words, facial expressions and behavior as something else, which will not be to your benefit. Your best bet (you wrote: ” I really don’t know how to play it”) of playing it is letting him know the real you, anxious and all. If you share with him about your anxiety honestly, simply, he is likely to feel empathy for you and share about his own anxiety and challenges. This will bring the two of you closer.

    Don’t try to fake confidence, to appear confident: that is likely to be a lost cause. Be authentic- and you will be a winner because at the least you will be practicing authenticity, visibility and that will promote your well being.

    So call him, ask him why he didn’t call you today (if he didn’t by the time you read this) and please post again.

    anita

    September 20, 2016 at 5:05 am #115684
    pink24
    Participant

    Hi Sarah Louise,

    You’re not a lost cause. He’s a guy. Guys don’t really think about things the way we do. So if you still haven’t heard from him, just shoot him a text that’s super casual and non confrontational that maybe refers to something you guys have spoken about, rather than why he hasn’t called. You guys aren’t in a relationship, and as far as he knows, you’re dating several other people and he’s just one on the list. Be cute. Be casual. See if he responds.

    And honestly I’d leave it at that. I’m not sure you want to go full on into the story of your mental and emotional health like some have suggested here. He hasn’t earned the right to hear about it, so why go into it?

    Good luck!

    Pink 🙂

    September 22, 2016 at 6:56 am #115882
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Thank you for your responses.

    I took your advice for the casual route and we’ve spoken once each day so far – it hasn’t really helped by anxiety. I’m still overly emotional and currently wish I just hadn’t taken the leap in meeting him. He goes on holiday tomorrow and the thought alone is driving me crazy – he is probably simply busy preparing for it and so he should but with my issues its so hard not to overthink everything and feel as though I’m simply not good enough for something that initially had such huge potential.

    When you meet someone you genuinely have so much in common with and you feel a spark with, that you believe to have been reciprocated.. its so hard not to feel so completely jilted – despite not yet having been physically jilted! The many wonders of the mind!

    I’m not a patient person, I worry, I swirl things around my mind until everything turns into a sublime mess… Its so hard for me to simply let go 🙁 I thought I had got pass all of this but 4yrs of no dating and no love-life hasn’t done a thing for me, despite what I initially thought.

    September 22, 2016 at 7:49 am #115884
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sarah Louise:

    Reads to me that you are experiencing attachment-related anxiety. What I mean by it is that the moment you felt attached to this man (hoping, wishing for a union with him, a togetherness with him), your anxiety was automatically triggered.

    The best place to examine and explore this association between attachment and severe anxiety is in psychotherapy with a competent, empathetic therapist.

    Did you attend psychotherapy in the past and did you explore there your attachment history (starts with the child-you being attached to your parent/s and what happened there)?

    anita

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