Dear Hannah:

“Why would he have doubted things if he loved me?”

One reason may be because of the argument or arguments (“We argued because he did not seem to be putting any effort in to make me feel better about what happened”). Maybe you have unreasonable expectations of him, that he will make you feel secure and safe and happy, that he will take away all your concerns and worries- and he can do none of these things. Maybe he tried and it wasn’t enough and he was left frustrated, feeling not good enough, inadequate.

Otherwise, I’d say that I do think you expect a guarantee where none is possible. A person cannot make sure the other will love you forever after, never leave you, and so forth, especially in a beginning relationship. You have to be prepared for the possibility that a new relationship will end, that it is not a sure thing. The “clean slate” you mentioned is not possible for you because of your anxiety. Even if he wasn’t active on the dating sites (and is no longer, I assume), something would have come up and you would have been worried.

When anxiety is involved, there is no such thing as a clean slate, unfortunately.

anita

Dear Hannah:

I think it is good thinking on your part, to “try and enjoy my life outside of a relationship and fill it with things that I cherish instead of simply focusing on the person I am dating and hoping that somehow they will fix all my problems and make me happy”.

If you could manage your relationship with this man so to focus on those other things with him as a partner, as a team of two, that will be wonderful, that is, incorporating him into your process of living a better life. After all, you need people, you need at least one close, active relationship in your life.

anita