Dear ramonejoseph:

When you are codependent, desperate for a relationship, hating to be alone, it is not only possible to learn to love yourself in the context of a relationship, a relationship is necessary for such learning.

When she told you that “she needs time apart, needs to work though her issues and learn to love herself more”- and you wrote that it is true to you too, what that means, according to my best understanding is that:

she did not feel comfortable being herself in the relationship with you, maybe she was focused on your needs and neglected her own, maybe she was doing people-pleasing with you and hated doing that. Maybe she was not comfortable to be assertive in the relationship with you.

It is not ALONE where we learn to love ourselves- it is in the context of the RIGHT kind of relationship. Often a person finds it in competent therapy where in relationship with the therapist, the client learns to be herself, assertive, authentic.

It would have been nice if the two of you attended couple therapy to learn just that: assertiveness and authenticity (being true to oneself) within the context of the relationship. Your very relationship can be then an opportunity to heal and learn to love yourselves.

anita

Dear Ramone:

People need people, it is not only those with the codependent label that need people. So first, perspective: needing her is natural. The problem is not in the needing, it is in what one feels they have to do so to keep the other in the relationship, for example, being submissive and then resenting it. Or trying to fix the other and getting frustrated again and again.

If she is the submissive type, and if it took her a lot of effort to assert her need for space, she might get angry, thinking you are pressuring her simply by suggesting. Therefore, I would let her know that you are not. That pressuring her is the last thing you want to do. You are only suggesting and you are okay if she refuses your suggestion. Present the suggestion in such a way that she is most likely to feel comfortable rejecting it.

This is leading me to think it is better that you suggest the therapy (and/ or Codependent Anonymous free meetings) while separated. So she doesn’t feel that you are disrespecting her need for space (which I call here, separation).

It is also possible that she has been distressed in the relationship longer than you are aware of and has broken up with you, basically, with the common line of: I-need-space. Be aware of possibilities.

What do you think?

anita

Dear Ramone:

The couple therapy/ support groups while separated as romantic partners could have worked if (she agreed and if) you could handle it, mentally. Now that you mention being obsessive, that is distressed, I am thinking that an in-limbo situation with her, getting together with her and waiting, waiting… getting your hopes up, getting disappointed…all that will cause distress in you and that will hurt your mental well being. It will also not promote a possible healthy development in relationship with her.

So No Contact will probably work for your well being. She had made her move toward the space she needs; you make your move toward the no contact you need so to take care of yourself and respect her need for space.

I am thinking.

anita

Dear Ramone:

You are welcome. When distressed, it is too difficult to think clearly. The distress creates kind of a brain fog which obstructs clarity. And the more you think, when distressed/ obsessed, the thicker the fog. So best thing is not to think when distressed. Calm yourself somehow. I do when I take a long walk outside or a hot bath. Calm yourself and when you are calm, then think.

You can talk to her about all kinds of possibilities, including therapy, a support group, a no contact for a month, etc. You can experiment: attend a support group with her (CoDA) and see if you like it. You can go no contact for a week and evaluate how it worked for the two of you at the end of the week.

Post again, I hope.

anita