Anita,

I think I did not expressed myself correctly at that time. I apologise.

K University as a university – I love it. I just do not like the people inside K University, Korea as a country and Korean people as well. But I do not dislike MY university.

KU have a special meaning for me … I worked so hard to get in here, K University is a real proof of my blood, sweat, and tears during high school. It is not just a university, and it was not just my parents that invested in here, I also invested myself in this university.

I would never hate KU. I am very proud to be a KU student, that will always remain as one of the greatest achievement in my life. I have no regrets of being a KU student.

I only have regrets of coming to Korea.

I think the biggest reason why it was so hard and still hard for me to leave Korea is because of my university, there is no other reason.

You might not know how HARD I had worked to get in here, but I know.

You cannot imagine how difficult it was for me mentally and physically to become a KU student. How many times I have cried while studying (yes, it is possible to study while crying) – how many times I prayed so earnestly for this opportunity, how I still went to high school during a flooding, that describes how desperate I was, to be a student here.

Dropping out of KU is not about betraying or disappointing my parents … it is about disappointing myself as a person.

Throwing KU away will be like throwing myself away. For 19 years, going here was my goal.

Who is Monica without KU?

I was not able to answer that, that is when I knew that I am nothing without KU.

and moving to Singapore is not going to make me able to answer that question as well.

Maybe even worse, I will get no validation at all in Singapore, going to a university that is far below KU.

My problem lies on the fact that I despise Korea and have no real friends here. That is THE REAL problem here.

I have made a deal with my parents to solve the problem – that every single time that I feel too overwhelmed or stressed out in Korea, I can go home to my home country (even for only a short period of time like 3 days during the weekend) and my parents will visit me every time that they have a long holiday or during special events like my birthday.

I feel like it is quite fair for both parties.

For your information, the plane ride from Korea to my home country is around 7 hour. The price is not very cheap, but my parents are willing to make that little deal with me. That means a lot to me. It was a compromise from both side.

I will stay and finish my studies, while my parents allow small and short visit every single time that I feel lonely and depressed.

Hope that clears things up.

-Monica

Anita,

Yes.

You are correct. 100 percent.

-Monica

Anita,

Yes, I hope so as well.

I hope that I can make it through, really. It is my sincerest hope.

Ever since I talked to my parents and Gyunnie, I have been feeling quite … free.

I think that for 4 months, I was not able to say anything, hiding it all inside from him and my parents,

and expressing myself to them kind of set me free in a sense. Do you understand?

I feel … different, Anita.

Yes, it is still hard and very painful but somehow, I do not feel like I am alone anymore.

Which is weird. Because all these time I feel like I was.

I felt like I was dying, that I was on the edge of life everyday but these days .. it is surprisingly (pleasantly) bearable.

Mainly due to my parents support, I realise that as well.

I am coming back home very soon (on Nov 1st) – and I feel very happy somehow that I get to spend my birthday with my family and friends.

I feel … hope again.

A big improvement from my last condition when I talked to you.

A lot of my close friends had noticed this, they told me that I actually looked and sound… happy.

I wouldn’t get that far and say that I am happy but I am not miserable I guess.

I feel alive, in sync with reality – I know because I still feel a sudden wave of sadness that comes from thinking about Gyunnie but it is getting less and less painful, during those intervals I feel okay. It is just a feeling of  loss. Emptiness and loneliness.

That to me, IS the reality.

The reality is that … I am moving on.

You know, I was very sensitive when anyone put themselves as peers (same level) as Gyunnie. I do not like it when people try to put him down or think about him as someone in the same level as them, especially my guys friends who thinks that they are much better than Gyunnie.

I would get very mad and emotional, I felt like they were trying to replace Gyunnie, trying to remove him from my life.

These days, I put Gyunnie in the same level / position as my first love.

Huge improvement. I used to saw him as God but right now, he is just someone that I used to love very much, just like how much I loved my first love.

How I feel about my first love is still very important, it became my “guide” I guess.

I still treasure and appreciate my first love, even years after we had broke up, and I realise that even after my first love, I was able to love Gyunnie as deeply as I loved my first love, just in different ways.

I am sure in the future too, I will be able to do the same thing.

-Monica

Anita,

Yes, I hope so as well.

I hope that I can make it through, really. It is my sincerest hope.

Ever since I talked to my parents and Gyunnie, I have been feeling quite … free.

I think that for 4 months, I was not able to say anything, hiding it all inside from him and my parents,

and expressing myself to them kind of set me free in a sense. Do you understand?

I feel … different, Anita.

Yes, it is still hard and very painful but somehow, I do not feel like I am alone anymore.

Which is weird. Because all these time I feel like I was.

I felt like I was dying, that I was on the edge of life everyday but these days .. it is surprisingly (pleasantly) bearable.

Mainly due to my parents support, I realise that as well.

I am coming back home very soon (on Nov 1st) – and I feel very happy somehow that I get to spend my birthday with my family and friends.

I feel … hope again.

A big improvement from my last condition when I talked to you.

A lot of my close friends had noticed this, they told me that I actually looked … happy.

I wouldn’t get that far and say that I am happy but I am not miserable I guess.

I feel alive, in sync with reality – I know because I still feel a sudden wave of sadness that comes from thinking about Gyunnie but it is getting less and less painful. It is just a feeling of  loss. Emptiness and loneliness.

That to me, IS the reality.

The reality is that … I am moving on.

You know, I was very sensitive when anyone put themselves as peers (same level) as Gyunnie. I do not like it when people try to put him down or think about him as someone in the same level as them, especially my guys friends who thinks that they are much better than Gyunnie.

I would get very mad and emotional, I felt like they were trying to replace Gyunnie, trying to remove him from my life.

These days, I put Gyunnie in the same level / position as my first love.

Huge improvement. I used to saw him as God but right now, he is just someone that I used to love very much, just like how much I loved my first love.

How I feel about my first love is still very important, it became my “guide” I guess.

I still treasure and appreciate my first love, even years after we had broke up, and I realise that even after my first love, I was able to love Gyunnie as deeply as I loved my first love, just in different ways.

I am sure in the future too, I will be able to do the same thing.

-Monica

Anita,

Yes, I hope so as well.

I hope that I can make it through, really. It is my sincerest hope.

Ever since I talked to my parents and Gyunnie, I have been feeling quite … free.

I think that for 4 months, I was not able to say anything, hiding it all inside from him and my parents,

and expressing myself to them kind of set me free in a sense. Do you understand?

I feel … different, Anita.

Yes, it is still hard and very painful but somehow, I do not feel like I am alone anymore.

Which is weird. Because all these time I feel like I was.

I felt like I was dying, that I was on the edge of life everyday but these days .. it is surprisingly (pleasantly) bearable.

Mainly due to my parents support, I realise that as well.

I am coming back home very soon (on Nov 1st) – and I feel very happy somehow that I get to spend my birthday with my family and friends.

I feel … hope again.

A big improvement from my last condition when I talked to you.

A lot of my close friends had noticed this, they told me that I actually looked … happy.

I wouldn’t get that far and say that I am happy but I am not miserable I guess.

I feel alive, in sync with reality – I know because I still feel a sudden wave of sadness that comes from thinking about Gyunnie but it is getting less and less painful. It is just a feeling of  loss. Emptiness and loneliness.

That to me, IS the reality.

The reality is that … I am moving on.

You know, I was very sensitive when anyone put themselves as peers (same level) as Gyunnie. I do not like it when people try to put him down or think about him as someone in the same level as them, especially my guys friends who thinks that they are much better than Gyunnie.

I would get very mad and emotional, I felt like they were trying to replace Gyunnie, trying to remove him from my life.

These days, I put Gyunnie in the same level / position as my first love.

Huge improvement. I used to saw him as God but right now, he is just someone that I used to love very much, just like how much I loved my first love.

How I feel about my first love is still very important, it became my “guide” I guess.

I still treasure and appreciate my first love, even years after we had broke up, and I realise that even after my first love, I was able to love Gyunnie as deeply as I loved my first love, just in different ways.

I am sure in the future too, I will be able to do the same thing.

-Monica

Anita,

I feel quite ok these days. I am doing fine.

Thanks for being happy for me, I appreciate it.

It is just that I have one thought that I cannot shake off : me being a failure.

Call me delusional or whatever, but I was genuinely thinking that maybe I could have been the next first lady of South Korea, that I was going to be someone important someday.

It sounds very weird and far off but Gyunnie gave me that security and validity that I WAS someone.

I am no one now in a sense.

How can I replace this sense of “identity” loss and security loss that I used to get from him?

I do not want any man to validate my position in the society, but I am having a hard time letting those thoughts go.

-Monica

Anita,

You wrote : “This is why you value brand name clothes and purses and such, why you valued Gyunnie as much as you did, because he was a local in K, a Korean, the head of the student council.”

This is correct. I think throughout my life, I always use my education, my looks and my boyfriend to gain and define any social value that I have. People (Koreans) does not even know my name but they know me as “that foreigner that dress well and whose boyfriend is the president of student council in Business school”

I do not want to define myself like that … but it has been like that since 19 years. I seek validation from my looks, education and my partner. I used to seek validation from “cool” friends as well, until I realise what is “cool” is to be friends with everybody regardless of their looks and social position.

I learnt it the hard way for that one. Even now, I still judge people silently. A lot, almost everyday. From their boyfriends that looks like a total loser to me, to their weird fashion choices that looks so cheap, even my best friends parents that never let their kids to go overseas, I judge everyone when I feel like they are not up to my standards.

I remember one incident worth remembering, Gyunnie was going to introduced me to his best friend, he is not a KU student, so I have never met him before. Before we met, I was so nervous and so self conscious about what I should wear. I talked and expressed it to Gyunnie, he told me to just relax – that his best friend won’t judge someone based on their appearance at all. That his friend is really nice and open minded as well.

Gyunnie joked about it and told me that “Ah .. you are my girlfriend after all, you overthink just like I do.”

I realise now that it was not overthinking, it is worrying and concerning about what others think of you. Because you put emphasises in your reputation. Gyunnie is also like that, he just does not realise it yet, like how I was before I talked to you.

Gyunnie became the president of student council because of someone (his senior) during high school. That senior went to KU and became the president, that was one of the main reason why Gyunnie was so unhappy during his studies in KU. He was merely following a validation that he wanted to get from that senior of his. That he was able to do all things that he did. That they are equal. Gyunnie told me now that he had done all those things that his senior did, his senior does not seem so big and so important anymore.

I guess it is true that we attract a partner that reflects ourselves, a perfect case for me and Gyunnie.

You wrote : “Another problem is that the reputation you hold at one point is easily lost. Gyunnie left K and as you wrote before, he is a nobody there (your word)”

I agree with this. Well, maybe not “nobody” but he was someone at least. and he is still respected in a sense perhaps. I do not know how people sees Gyunnie now. He did not even finished his term as the president, I imagine a lot of rage from Koreans. Maybe they are mad, maybe they are upset and disappointed. I have no idea. It is not my major, you have to ask Business people major for that.

You wrote : “Well, maybe the way is to change what you value. I figure, if valuing reputation works for you, brings you peace of mind, then hold on to it. But if it doesn’t, then it is up to you to reconsider, evaluate, perhaps.”

Valuing reputations WORKED for me in the past, before I came to Korea. I had a reputation, and that reputation was something that I put a lot of hard work and efforts on. Putting the same hard work and efforts here does NOT work. People are better, prettier, smarter and nicer than me. I have NO reputation. No reputation = no self esteem. Gyunnie created MY self esteem when we were dating. It worked, Anita. People went like “WOW” when I told them whose my boyfriend, they respected me and talked to me. Even asked for my help.

It sounds superficial and shallow but people VALUES those shallow things. Like your status, your clothes and purses brand. and most importantly your education.

-Monica