Anita,

My friends and my teachers.

Even maybe my parents.

I never told you the background of my life in my home country but I was a very good student.

I spent around a month outside the school every year to compete and train for a National Science Olympiad, my SAT scores is #4 in my entire school, when I never had any private intensive lesson outside school. I have a very good relationship with all of my teachers in high school to the point where they would defend me when I got into some kind of troubles, I also had quite a lot of friends.

A lot guys took interest in me because of my appearance (please do not take this the wrong way though, I hope you understand) and I also dress very well, I look “classy” and even though I never told anyone my friends knows that I am well off seeing how I always travel every year, and wear a lot of “branded” stuff. A lot of girls gets intimidated and jealous of me.

I would say that my personality is quite nice, that I am able to build a very deep friendship that could lasts for a lifetime with certain people. I can be very funny and bubbly as well.

I guess a lot of people respect and acknowledged me as a person based on that. Most of that sounds superficial, I am well aware but I was “someone” in a sense.

In Korea, the girls they dressed up even more beautifully, they always wear make up, always traveling, they are very smart and they work as hard as I do and even harder, they are more of a perfectionist than I am.

basically Koreans beats me in every single thing that I used to be really good (or even best) at.

Sometimes I wonder if I had never went along with my father and stayed at my home country to study law.

Maybe things would be really really different. I really regret coming here, more than anything in my life. Every time that I visit my home country, visiting my best friend Henderson in his university – a lot of guys would ask him to introduce me to them, complimenting me, basically giving me VALIDATION.

Gyunnie gave me that validation. As the president of student council, a Business major, a Korean – he validated Monica. That I am nice, pretty and smart enough to be with someone like him. Even Koreans are having a hard time dating someone like him, so the fact that he CHOOSED me was a clear validation.

In my home country, almost everyone gave me a clear validation.

-Monica

Anita,

I am sure you already know some of the most important parts about the relationship between me and my parents. Especially my mother.

The truth is, I grew up with stability. Besides the fact that my mother “did not accept” me thing that we have talked about.

My parents never once abused me physically, they rarely got mad at me actually.

The biggest fight I had with my mother was when I gave up my career as a Ballet dancer when I was 15.

Other than that, me and my parents relationship are “good” before I went to Korea. Not perfect, but it was good. We communicate and we hang out a lot on the weekends, even in the amidst of my busy schedules as a student and their working hours / overseas travelling every month. It was “flat” in a sense but it was stable.

My parents told me that they are very proud of me for being a good student during high school. It was a good times.

After I went to Korea, especially since this year – things has been … going downhill.

Especially things with my father. I am not very close to my father since I was a kid due to various reasons, but I never really fight with him about big things. Our first big fight was when I decided not to choose Business as my major, and the second one was when he totally ignored and refused to hear my struggles when I clearly told him that I want to stop studying at K University last June (June 2017, I made a thread about it I believe)

I am really disappointed with my parents, Anita. I trusted them, I loved them, they are the most important people in my lives but at the lowest point of my life … they refused to helped me. When I needed them the most, they do not want to understand my situation. I feel really betrayed, I feel really mad. Even now. They had abandoned me as a kid when they refused to get me out of K University last summer.

I do not think that my relationship with my parents will ever get back as it used to be, ever. In a sense, I feel like I have no parents right now, they already threw me out on June 2017. After all the things that I have done for them, they abandoned me like trash. I have never feel so lonely in my life right now. I lost the love of my life, and I also lost my parents.

I talked with my mother almost everyday before June 2017 incident, but now we never talk anymore. I feel so trapped, so unhappy – but my parents aren’t giving me any help or any way out.

The truth is, I am thinking about hurting myself (not enough to die but enough to get hospitalised) so my parents will have no choice but to come to Korea, and talk about this thing with me in a serious manner. I want them to listen, I want them to HELP me.

I asked a lot of my friends here, they all have their parents support to come back whenever they want. I know that maybe for me right now, it is too late. I am considering transferring to Singapore, but again – it seems like a fantasy.

I have no money to support myself in Singapore, I do not know what kind of work that I can do with a high school degree either especially in a country like Singapore. I mentioned on how much I envy Gyunnie, to the point of death – because his parents understands. Gyunnie parents despite all of their rough arguments, they CARED for their son.

I do not see any career here for me, I do not want to work in a Korean company in the future either, I feel like I got into the wrong major as well, even though it is indeed my mistake because I choose this major myself. But right now, I feel like a kid who fell into a deep dark hole, it was indeed MY MISTAKE because I did not listened to my fathers opinion but now that I have fall …. can they please help me?

That is how I feel. I do not know if there is a way out or not.

-Monica

Anita,

I had an important update regarding everything.

I decided to talk to my parents regarding everything this morning, I think that they are starting to see how serious the problem is.

I told my mother and father almost everything that I had felt, including how they rejected me in a sense.

The conversation did not turned out so well, but it was n0t as bad as I think.

I think a door has opened for me. (to move university somehow)

My mother suggested that I go to the counsellor of K University first before we decided anything and that I have to think very throughly about this.

She asked me if I had the confidence that I would be HAPPY if I do move to Singapore? that do I have the commitment to FINISH my university if i do move?

My father as usual is very hard on me, but he will come around somehow – I believe. My uncle (my fathers brother) did not finished college and married someone that my entire family despises (especially my father) but my father did not abandoned his brother. He still support him financially and defended my uncle saying how after all he is still his brother.

I think when it comes to choosing between me vs their pride, they have no choice but to choose me. I am their daughter after all.

I do not know. Do you think that moving is the solution to my problem, Anita?

Please give your opinion.

-Monica

Anita,

First suggestion : Yes, I definitely will go to K University counsellor on Tuesday and make an appointment.

Second suggestion : I definitely will find information about studying and living in Singapore and share it with you, maybe not right now because my mind is in a very distressed situation due to all of these.

I have things to think and evaluate. I know that If I made up my mind (being committed 100 percent to Singapore) – my parents will have to support me anyways. The decision is in my hands. I realise that they cannot “force” me to stay here at Korea if I do not want to.

I am changing my major as well so I have a lot to research for.

This is going to be a hard and long journey, my parents are very stressed out at the very moment as well. I understand that it is hard for them, but for me – it is also very hard, you know?

I think that I am “sick” mentally … how can you tell someone who is sick to just get better? It does not work like that, you know. Every moment here feels like I am dying, I am in so much pain that no one can understand. No one will even validate my feelings and my pain. Why?

-Monica

Anita,

I think the hardest thing right now is that no one is genuinely supporting me.

I do feel like I am making the right decision but my family and friends keeps pushing me to just stay here and hold on.

I should just hold on, they said.

I feel so scared, so alone – I am making all these big decision by my own without anyone believing and supporting me,

How can I make them understand?

-Monica

Anita,

She was half open, I guess?

She was not forcing me to stay, she tried to use a lot of words of encouragement to get me to stay but she did not dismissed Singapore immediately

I just made a really long essay to my parents … I talked about how I truly feels. How bad my current situation is. I feel like dying.

I haven’t been eating or sleeping.

I cannot sleep If I am not really tired (like 24 hours of not sleeping) and I have no appetite.

You told me to do things without my family support .. but money talks. My family supports me financially so it is really hard for me to just be courageous and make every decision on my own.

I am planning to withdraw from K University within this week If possible, I still can get 2/3 of the tuition fee for this semester If I withdraw this month.

Finishing things here in Seoul and K University seems so easy, I do not even have a lot of friends to say goodbye with and my favourite professor had stopped teaching since this semester.

I have no attachment … at all.

-Monica

Anita,

I am taking back my own words, I do not when exactly I will have to withdraw from K University.

My father is still being very hard on me, forcing me to stay here in Korea.

I feel like dying.

I know that this is temporary but I cannot sleep at all during the night, I am very tired, I have not eat anything for almost 2 days.

My sleeping pattern is really messed up, I sleep on the afternoon for only 5-6 hours and I am not able to go sleep at night.

My heart races and my thoughts is very active.

I cannot relax … please help me.

-Monica

Anita,

Seems like I have to stay for another 3 years here.

My mother wants me to be happy but I am just very unhappy here during long periods of holiday.

I realise that my depression was something that was caused by my loneliness here.

I have no friends that I consider best friend or someone that I can really count on in Korea. I do not need a lot, just one person. One person.

To be honest – I do love K University. The only thing that gives me validation as a person right now is the name of K University as one the best university in Korea and Asia. Who is Monica without K Uni?

I choosed this university by my own choice, this university keeps … me alive in Korea.

I have nothing left If I let go of KU – and it is true that I am not ready to let my university go.

My mother has opened up to me how her current financial situation is not very good, she thinks that her company is closing very soon.

We just currently have no resources or money to move me to Singapore. I feel so guilty, I can tell my parents are very stressed out. They have not been sleeping as well, thinking about my education.

I understand their situation and I made a deal with my parents. I realise that when I go to school, I hate the people not the school in general, and these strong periods of stress comes often (every 2-3 weeks) but NOT everyday.

I think that I can survive, If I go home every time I feel too stressed out like this week.

My mother has promised to come to Seoul on my birthday (November 1st) – and I am happy, at least I won’t be spending my birthday alone. Or even If I am not alone, I will be spending it with the people that I do not even consider “friends” which is a torture as well.

I am happy to just celebrate with my mother.

I realise that I am very home sick and lonely when school has a long period of holiday like Thanksgiving.

I feel so touched somehow when my mother finally understood me. I feel so happy that I won’t be spending my birthday alone crying, or spending Christmas holiday alone as well.

I think my parents fully understand now that there are times where they have to go visit me here or I go back to my home country when the stress gets unbearable for me.

I think about K University as my one and only reason to stay here. It used to be Gyunnie and K University but now all I have left is myself and K University. It is the last amount of pride that I still have … giving up is not an option.

-Monica