Anita,

I would answer your questions gladly :

1. It depends. If you are a “nobody” but your partner is “someone” – that makes you “someone” as well. You can be someone before graduating from a prestigious university if you are a very social person that has a lot of connection and helps you get jobs easier. Or you already have a small but very successful business when you are still a student, you are already “someone” as well. Again, the standards of being someone is very wide. Being someone = being successful

2. You are required to have a family in a sense. What is the point of having everything but you have no one to share it? That is very lonely and we considered it worse than not having a job. Especially if you are older than 30 years old, you have to get married. At the very least.

3. My parents are “someone” – they are well educated. Considering how most of Asians (older generations) does not really have a good education, but my grandfather was the first person in my country to have a scholarship and study at UCLA. This was back in 1950s. It was a big deal. My family is known as a family that puts education and prestige as a very important thing. My parents and my grandparents all graduated with masters degree.

You can imagine the shock of my family hearing how I want to give up my whole education for my husband. For a man.

As if it is a bad thing.

I do not think that you completely understand, Anita.

The only reason why I want to be someone is because I want to marry someone as well.

I won’t continue being “someone” as I will give up my profession for my husband, as I have wrote above.

I will the one supporting “someone” which is my own husband.

Am I content with my parents being “someone”?

At some point, yes. People tends to respect me. I enjoy the spotlight of my parents.

I enjoy the fact that I am pretty well off so I can travel and shop when I want to.

That I have a lot of privileges that others do not have.

Does it feels my heart with love?

No. You know this already. My parents does loves me, I am aware of that. They just have a hard time expressing themselves.

They think that “love” is forcing their child to be as successful as possible. I do not blame them, I understand.

I won’t teach my kids the same. I will try to teach them kindness and openness.

-Mina

[Sept 3rd, 2017]

Gyunnie,
I went to the airport today.
Most people think will think that I am super crazy for going here.
But I need this.
To just go here, seeing people leave and coming back.
It was so beautiful.
I saw this one guy, he was holding 2 roses on his hands.
He wasn’t aware but I waited with him in front of the arrival gate. I wonder who is he waiting for.
Maybe his wife & kid?
That was what I assumed. Or maybe some friends.
I waited for 15 minutes with him.
Finally the person that he was waiting for had arrived! He ran up to them and gave them the flowers.
It was his parents.
I was surprised. I didn’t know why.
I hadn’t see that coming. I was 99 percent sure that he was waiting for his girlfriend.

I was wrong.
I realise that I’ve been wrong a lot of times in my life as well.
I do wonder why my life is lonely these days.
Why I’ve been so lonely and “not normal” ever since the break up.
It’s like I am a totally different person.
I remember people telling me to act normal so my feelings will be normal as well.
It’s really hard.
I think in a sense, I enjoy feeling this way – dwelling on the break up and the feeling of sadness that comes from losing you. Because without it, I will be completely empty.
I will have no feelings, at all.
And having no feelings at all is a lot scarier than having depressing feelings and thoughts.

Gyunnie,
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving day.
Are you nervous or stressed out?
I hope not.
If people ask about me, you can just say that I died. Or I never existed. Or blame me for the break up.
Be strong, stay strong. Stand tall in front of your aunt.
She’s just jealous of you, babe.
She’s always jealous of an amazing person like you.

I tried remembering a few moments that I shared with you, it’s getting harder and harder for me to remember everything like I used to do.
I am losing my memories, one by one.
I am erasing our special place, one by one.
I am erasing you slowly and surely
Isn’t that scary? Are you … perhaps mad?
Maybe time pity me.
Time has been the witness of everything and now time is healing me, in it’s own special way – by forgetting you.

I am also well aware that someday this one way letter to you has to end. Somehow.
Because writing here will never make me gain any reply from you.
I know that you’re alive and you are well.
But sometimes, I forgot that you’re phsyically alive somewhere in this world.
That you are just one “click” away from me.
One phone call away.
One bus ride away.
That you’re still here with me.
Even though there are million of miles between us.

Goodnight Gyunnie.
[Incheon Airport, 9:40pm]

Love,
-Mina

I am thinking that maybe it is possible to start again.

I do not know.

I sound crazy.

Anita,

Thanks so much for the advice.

You wrote : “There is one thing I don’t want you to forget and that is your experience of being accepted by him as you are, your authentic self, that is, the experience of being loved.”

So by talking to Gyunnie, it will help me remember the feeling?

Help me remember the Mina that is authentic?

I remember you mentioning how you think it will be great for me to keep on something small that Gyunnie gave to me in my everyday lives. Something that I can carry everywhere I go.

To be a reminder of the Mina that he accepted and loved.

You were right about it.

But at the same time, I cannot help but think about how once I am out of “sync” with Gyunnie, I started to self destruct. That point, I notice myself.

I started rejecting myself without me knowing.

You can notice the difference of my attitude from time to time.

-Mina

Anita,

You wrote : “I wonder if you should add a line to your message to him, that you are interested in occasional communication with him, that you miss him and would like some contact, asking him how he feels about it?”

Hmm, this one is a reach I think.

I do not want to burden him too much, I will just see the situation tomorrow and try to understand the way that he responds to my message.

It all depends on Gyunnie`s responds to my message tomorrow.

I dont know …. wish me luck, I guess, Anita?

-Mina

[Oct 4, 2017]

This will be the last letter that I posted here. I wanna thank every single silent readers or anyone who has commented in my thread here in Tiny Buddha. Especially to Anita.

Gyunnie is also thanking everyone here who has been very supportive of me and him.

I will be posting my last conversation of me and Gyunnie here :

Mina : Happy Thanksgiving. I hope you have a happy one.

Gyunnie : Yes, you too. Have a fun thanksgiving day!!

Mina : Thank you … I hope you do not mind me asking but did you get accepted into Y university?

Gyunnie : Yes I did! I got accepted, that is why I am currently not attending K university this semester hahaha

Mina : Wow!! Congratulations. I am so happy for you. After all those struggles, you really deserve it. My sincerest congratulations for you once again.

Gyunnie : Hahahaha thank you … really thank you so much. I hope your university life goes well as well!

Mina : Yes, yes! Are you currently living in Daegu (another city in Korea, about 3 hours from Seoul) because Peter (the name of the guy that introduced us) keeps asking me about why he have not seen you around in the dorm?

Gyunnie : Hahahahha, yeah that is right.

Mina : I really hope you do not mind me asking you these questions, sorry if you mind!

Gyunnie : No no, you can ask. It is okay

Mina : Thank you … the truth is I was worried about you a lot, but hearing you sounding fine makes me feel happy 🙂 sorry that it sounds so random

Gyunnie : Do not worry about me. I am really doing well. I just have something stuck inside me because I still do not know the right manner to date. I did not know that you were worried about me … and since I am really fine right now, do not worry about me and take care of yourself.

Mina : No, I also have a lot of regrets. I never got to say “thank you” to you and I feel like I was not a good partner for you as well. I could not help you or support you much during your hard times. You were a good boyfriend to me, regardless of anything that had happened. I wanted to say that to you, just once.

Gyunnie : Really …. thank you.

Mina : Sorry that it sounds out of the blue. I wanted to say those things for a very long time but I feel like I was not ready… even though it is very late, thank you for listening to every single things of what I needed to say. Thank you.

Gyunnie : Really …  thank you so much, stay well

Mina : You too … be well and be happy .. goodbye

Gyunnie stopped replying after that.

—

I cried. Obviously. It was really hard  since his message was very clear to me.

We are done, it is the harsh reality that I refused to acknowledged until today but he reminded me once again.

Being the honest and straight forward person that he is, he wants me to move on.

I know that.

My heart is shattered, I am feeling a lot of rough emotions from talking to Gyunnie.

I spent 3 months talking here as you guys were him that when I talked to the real person, it did not felt real,

Until he said a lot of things that was just … so him. So honest. Full of sincerity that he wished me well, but our relationship cannot continue any longer in the future as well.

I felt relieved that I finally got to say what I had wrote here to him directly, even though all he can say was “thank you”

My heart feels very heavy everyone.

-Mina

Anita,

Gyunnie ended this letter for me, he also ended this one way relationship that I have been doing all these time by myself.

It does not make any sense to my heart or to my head anymore to talk to him as if things never changes between us, as if we never broke up.

It is so hard, like break up with him all over again, but now I feel more content. Because this time, it is real.

Real for Mina.

Anita, I would like to know your opinion on the whole conversation and my feeling about it in general.

Thanks

-Mina

Anita,

I can feel it.

Gyunnie was not having a hard time because of the break up, he was having a hard time because of army and Y university.

That was the reality. The truth.

It was painful facing it, Anita. I won’t lie about it.

My most favourite and important part from what he said was regarding the whole thing where mentioned that I am very concerned about him,

He told me the words that I have been waiting to hear from him,

“I am fine. Do not worry about me, worry about yourself.”

What do you think?

-Mina