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April 6, 2020 at 1:53 pm #347984
AnonymousGuestDear anonymous03:
in about April 2019, your boyfriend of eight years, A, became “very distant and cold, wouldn’t touch me at all.. would withdraw if I tried to hold his hand.. did not even look at me”, and a month later, about May 2019, he broke up with you, saying “he had no feelings.. whatsoever”, for you, and telling friends that “there’s no chance of a reconciliation”.
When that happened, followed by you losing some of the common friends, your best friend moving out of town, and your grandmother passing, you’ve been having “constant stomachache and digestive problems.. diagnosed with IBS-C.. in constant physical pain”, lost a fair amount of weight, and were “sucked into this whirlpool of self-blame and self-guilt”, believing that he withdrew from you and broke up with you because you were a “needy, clingy, nagging, and probably toxic” girlfriend.
Two months after the breakup, B, a friend living in another country, told you that he has feelings for you. You were delighted to hear that and developed feelings for him. The two of you decided that during Christmas 2019, he will visit you in your (and his) home country, spend a month together, “and if all went well, we’d start dating”. That Christmas month spent together was “bey0nd beautiful” and you were “happy, genuinely so”. February 2020, nine months after A broke up with you, A contacted you for the first time, saying he wanted to get back together with you.
And so, like the song says: you’ve been … torn between two lovers: A, with whom you “always had to beg for attention”, with whom you spent time together “only if I got really mad or at his convenience”, a man who told you recently, that he didn’t value you earlier (“he didn’t value me earlier”), and B, a man who “loves me dearly, showers me with attention even from miles away, puts me first, and is really very compatible with me”.
You chose B, but you “haven’t been able to stop thinking about (A), wondering if I’m making a mistake.. severely anxious and depressed.. haven’t slept properly in weeks.. nervous and on edge and full of guilt.. I feel all my feelings so far have been a lie.. Should I go back to my ex? I even have this crazy idea that my IBS troubles will vanish if I go back to my ex.. I don’t even want to live anymore.. This quarantine is not helping.. I’m such a horrible person”.
My input to you: you have to find a way to relax. No one can think clearly and effectively when under intense anxiety and distress, and you are no exception. Find a way to calm down every day. If a daily walk outside is possible and safe, under the quarantine regulations where you live, do so. Take hot showers or baths to relax, listen to music, do guided meditations, watch movies, post here.. express and relax, best you can.
You wrote that A feels like home to you, but often a home is not a good place to live in, even if it sometimes feels good, familiar and comfortable. A doesn’t read to me like a good home. B on the other hand, reads like a good home for you. A didn’t pay attention to you, B does. You begged A for his attention, you don’t beg B. When you saw A recently, he told you that he didn’t value you earlier. Not being valued or being paid attention to- is not a good home.
If the distress from the breakup with A led to your IBS, I don’t think that reuniting with him will fix your IBS. It is not that the relationship with A was wonderful before he broke up with you, so the distress in you built up over time, as you begged for his attention again and again.
Your guilt may be the biggest contributor to your anxiety and distress. You started your long original post with your guilt (third line: “self-blame and self-guilt”), and you ended your post with: “I’m such a horrible person”. You felt guilty about being a bad girlfriend to A, and you feel guilty about being a bad girlfriend to B.
When did your “self-blame and self-guilt” start, do you remember,(as a child, way before A or B entered your life)?
anita
April 13, 2020 at 9:58 am #349180
anonymous03ParticipantHi Anita,
First of all, I would like to thank you for patiently reading my post, understanding and analyzing it, and reaching out. I’m immensely grateful.
I have so many thoughts in my head that I don’t even know where to start.
I met and started dating my ex when I was 16. He was understanding, patient and caring. I’m not really an easy person to be with. I really was insecure and jealous and quite quite clingy. But he never really made a fuss about it. We had our ups and downs, including my mental health issues, and he was supportive throughout. I am a short-tempered person, and he’s quite calm, so we complimented each other perfectly, or so I felt. I admired how he could be calm in stressful situations, when I could be a mess.
I have this weird thing. I dated 2 guys before him, nothing serious, just teen relationships. But I was always uncomfortable in those relationships, having a knot in my chest. But with him, I never had that discomfort or knot. I don’t know why, but I just didn’t. I found him to be a wonderful person, and I fell deeper in love with him. It would not be exaggerating if I said my world revolved around him. The only major issue I really had with him was that I had to beg for his attention and time, like I mentioned earlier. Multiple times throughout the relationship I felt I was not as important as his family and other friends were. I felt I was being taken for granted, and I wondered if I actually mattered or was loved at all. I even felt that maybe I was too needy.
In the last year of our relationship though, things had changed. I had been taking therapy. I had developed this obsessive thought process, where I concentrated only on his perceived flaws. These thoughts disturbed me immensely, and I spoke to my therapist about it. She said these were intrusive thoughts, thanks to my anxiety, and taught me how to work around them. But something was still amiss. I can’t place a finger on it, but something was just… off. I talked about this with my therapist as well, and she said many times couples grow at a different rate, and that I probably was growing wider and faster than he was, leading to this gap between us. She suggested I take a break from him. But the thought of leaving him made me weep. I knew I wanted to be with him, and so I felt we will work this out, whatever it was. We suddenly didn’t have much to talk about. He was a quiet person anyway, but here he became quieter. He was preparing for his entrance exams, and he said staying home all day and just studying, he didn’t have much to talk about. I let him be, thinking he does make sense, and things will be okay once he gets into college. But nothing changed. I knew how much pressure he was under, long days and all. I thought once his course is over and he gets a job, things will be alright. I had stopped badgering him for attention and time, mostly because I knew how busy he was, but also because I was exhausted. I felt I was the only one giving any sort of effort in the relationship. I was the only one who needed the other one. I was lonely, and felt he just wasn’t there in the relationship anymore. I felt neglected and avoided. He simply wasn’t “there”. But again, I thought everything will be fine once he gets a job.
In April 2019, after a fight, he said he needed a break from us. He said he didn’t feel what he used to feel for me. Needless to say, I was utterly baffled, scared, and confused. I tried to understand, but couldn’t. He said he doesn’t feel like talking to anyone or doing anything and just wanted to be left alone. And so, I did just that. But he went out with friends, hung out, went for a movie, and the such, making me feel the problem was only me. And so, I messaged saying that if that was the case, he should leave. But he maintained that he wanted me in his life. I asked him multiple times, if he wanted me in his life, he said yes. He said he had been feeling guilty about being with me, and did not think he was worthy of me. This guilt, added to feeling that he doesn’t feel for me and the feelings of not wanting to do anything, made me feel he was probably depressed. I suggested we see my therapist, but that scared him. His behaviour towards me changed. He kind of became cold and distant; he was trying, but it was pretty evident he didn’t want me around. He’d withdraw from my touch. We spoke less and less. It was extremely hurtful, and I cried everyday. And a month later, we had a harsh painful breakup. He told my mother he didn’t wanna be with me as well.
The pain I was in was excruciating. Which I still get in waves. All the dreams, things I thought I was gonna have with him, gone. Along with it had come the guilt. Had I been a more supportive girlfriend, he would have opened up to me. Had I been more loving and accepting rather than critical, he would have let me in. Had I given him the space he asked for when he asked for a break, he probably wouldn’t have left.
When I experienced these waves of pain, I felt extremely guilty, because I felt I was betraying B.
I am experiencing such a pain wave right now, after refusing A. It hits me like a rock in my chest when I think we won’t get married, making me anxious. That he might meet somebody else. I just go, “How the hell is all this happening? How did we get here?” Two of our common friends got married, something I thought I was gonna have with him. And it is killing me, all this pain. The reason I didn’t choose A was that I felt I don’t have it in me to carry the relationship on my shoulders again. I don’t wanna feel neglected and taken for granted. I simply felt numb, after all this pain. But then, now, I think, what if things have changed? He says he has realized his mistakes, breaking up with me was a huge one. He says he knows I gave my all to the relationship, that he didn’t value me earlier. What if all that has changed? What if I will be happy with him? All this pain and all these thoughts make me feel I wanna go back to him.
All these thoughts also make me extremely guilty, thinking about B. I think I am a horrible person. I know I am not lying when I say I have feelings for him. But still, I must be a terrible person. I should have said no when he came. I shouldn’t have let him get involved in me. And I am really unhappy right now.
So yeah… I feel guilty about almost everything… Something as simple as sleeping in the daytime and then feeling guilty and regretting it for not doing something productive… And you are right too… It comes since childhood… I feel guilty for being a bad daughter to my mother… I multiple times have felt everything is my fault…
I again apologize for the long post…
Thanks…
April 13, 2020 at 11:51 am #349216AnonymousGuestDear anonymous03:
You are welcome. I am glad you returned to your thread. I re-read your original post, and read your current post (and reply on another thread):
“In the last year of our relationship.. I had developed this obsessive thought process, where I concentrate only on his perceived flaws.. there were intrusive thoughts”- I am familiar with this, having suffered from OCD for many years. It seems to me that these intrusive thoughts were fueled by a part- desire in you to end the relationship with him, focusing on his faults so to motivate you to leave him.
Regarding your guilt, a heavy guilt- it is something that you and I have in common, more precisely, had in common. I suffered from a devastatingly heavy guilt for decades, regarding my mother, believing that I made her miserable. Back to you- I believe that no matter what you choose next, or if you don’t choose and let A and/or B choose for you, you will be feeling guilty.
This means, that you better accept this unfortunate reality, and give up on thinking (if you do) that there is a way for you to do one thing or another that will free you from guilt.
You will need to make a rational choice, or a series of choices, without letting the guilt confuse you.
A never apologized for either breaking up with you, or for breaking up with you the way he did. He refused your idea of therapy at the time, and didn’t attend therapy since, I imagine. Last time you saw him, he was in a bad emotional state-
– not a good idea to go back to him.
I will pause here and will continue after I read from you next.
anita
April 13, 2020 at 12:40 pm #349228AnonymousInactiveOh dear, the flashbacks!
Listen, I’ve been through the exact same thing back in 2018. The EXACT same thing. And then the guilt tripping, the anxiety, the constant mental torture being called OCD. I hope your therapist adresses it, it’s not mere anxiety or intrusive thoughts – it’s OCD. Believe me when I tell you that since December of 2018 when I broke up with my ex till March of this year, I was being extremely tortured mentally. But what helped me get back my life was that I met an incredible therapist earlier in January. Long story short, I was diagnosed with OCD and through CBT I have seen an amazing difference. Please, I can’t stress this enough, you need to tell this to your therapist and work specifically on this.
Now as for A, I think you realize that he is crying about his own ass. About his own feelings, about his own discomfort, about his own convince. He’s not breaking down in front of you because of how much he misses you, or how much he loves you or because he realized how incredible you are. Nine months is too damn long to realize true love, especially if you were together with someone for eight years. So I’ll break it down for you: he saw the grass ain’t greener and came back out of convince and narcissism. End of story. He wanted some time alone and GOES OUT WITH FRIENDS PARTYING??!?!? Ok, yeah… No.
I also think he engraved deeply in you that you are the problem. People have mastery over gaslighting and manipulating innocent and sensitive people. He made you BEG for his attention and so you perceived YOU are needy when in fact, someone is needy of something when indeed the don’t have that something! You are hungry when you are deprived of food. The same goes with love. It was done to me and since you too like me had no real experience before, you blamed yourself. Sister, I want to hug you right now.
I’m actually tearing up. I’m sorry if I sound cheesy and all that, but I know your pain. Please fight for B, he sounds like a true, decent guy. A had eight years to make you feel special. Eight whole years. If you relationship was a child, he whould be in primary school! Thing about that! Most marriages don’t last that long even, yet he had the chance and he threw it away.
I know I am a stranger on the web, but take it from me… Yes you have your psychological struggles, yes you need to work on them, yes you need to always check you self worth and never beg BUT you are a normal human being and not everything is your fault. Your relationship with A was toxic because of him being an douche and you being inexperienced. Simple as that.
I hope you get to feel better. You have B and a promise of a better now. Discard the ex. Hope you find peace!
April 16, 2020 at 3:15 am #349814anonymous03ParticipantHi Anita,
Thanks for your help again. It is heart-warming that someone who doesn’t even know me is so willing to help.
About the OCD, in the session with my therapist, we didn’t discuss much about this part, probably because we had more pressing issues to talk about. I used to have these thoughts, some about things as silly as the way he sat or how his hair looked, and used to feel extremely guilty for having them. Because these thoughts were obsessive, and I was constantly analyzing everything, as a compulsion, I used to tell him stuff like, “Sit straight” and then feel guilty about that too. My mother does the same to me, my therapist said my mother is emotionally abusive, and I had started feeling I was emotionally abusing my boyfriend just like that. Once my therapist told me these were due to anxiety, I started giving a lot less importance to them and became much more conscious of myself. After the breakup, I looked it up and came across the term “Relationship OCD”, and my symptoms matched. Towards the end of our relationship though, I had become frustrated, feeling that this isn’t going further. I felt we were stagnating. But after he broke up, I was filled with so much pain I felt I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t understand why, if I really wanted it to end, did it hurt so much. I still don’t.
Coming to guilt, like I mentioned before, I feel guilty about any and everything. Before A and B, it was about my mother. We have a rocky and rough relationship, and I felt guilty I wasn’t able to be a good daughter. I’d feel guilty for going out with friends. I’d feel guilty when we’d fight, thinking that I’m a bad daughter for talking back, after all that she has done for me. I kinda have this thing where I believe everything that goes wrong is my fault. I have a list of things that make me guilty and regretful right now as well. I’d love to expand because boy is it mounting.
One of those things from the list is that I felt I had been badmouthing A till now, when I spoke to friends about him, about the breakup, things that bothered me about the relationship, even though I didn’t actively abuse him or anything. I should not have done that. I never meant to portray him as a bad guy or anything like that, and I never want anyone to think poorly of him. I felt horrible; he’s not a bad person at all. He just did what he had to do at that point, and I had no right to badmouth him. This made my guilt so bad that I actually messaged and apologized to him for it two days ago. He said I didn’t need to apologize at all and “it’s me with the apology”. He said letting me go was the biggest mistake he ever made. Boy.
He had refused therapy at the time I had suggested it; I’m guessing it was because of some sort of stigma or denial. He definitely hadn’t seen a therapist after the breakup. When I met him the first time, he was a mess of sorts. He was crying, saying he’s been through some real tough times. Talking about the breakup made him physically uncomfortable. Looking at all this, like I mentioned, I felt nothing much has changed. He’s no way even ready to talk about what happened. But when we met the second time, he told me he’d started reading (something he never ever did, and i am an ardent reader), and we discussed some of the common books we’d read. He told me hoe he’d read some self-help books, and learnt a lot. All this made me think… Is he a new person now? Will things be better and different this time around?
Waiting to read from you…
April 16, 2020 at 6:55 am #349834AnonymousGuestDear anonymous03:
“I feel guilty about any and everything. Before A and B, it was about my mother.. I felt guilty I wasn’t able to be a good daughter.. for going out with friends.. when we’d fight, thinking that I’m a bad daughter for talking back, after all that she has done for me”-
– by “all that she has done for me”, I assume you mean that she fed you, clothed you, bought you school supplies and toys, cleaned after you (?)
If so, then she produced a well fed, well clothed, educated young woman who suffers tremendously from guilt.
Wouldn’t you have preferred to have had inexpensive food(yet adequately nutritious), fewer clothes, second hand school supplies and toys and not suffer the guilt?
“all that she has done for me” then includes guilt: that’s what she did for you. See the bigger picture then: she fed you, clothed you.. and added guilt to your life, an experience that you suffer from tremendously.
The guilt you feel regarding your mother is like a wildfire that expands, as is its nature. That guilt/ fire that burned you in its original context (your relationship with your mother) expanded and now burns you in a later context (your relationship with A).
Your guilt started with the belief that you are a bad daughter and it expanded to you being a bad girlfriend, and overall, a bad person. You are suffering because you are not a bad person who believes that she is a bad person. What to do next:
1. To believe that you are not a bad person, and to learn to trust that you are not a bad person, you will need to be as calm as possible and behave in such ways that you agree with. Don’t yell at people, don’t verbally abuse people (calling people names and insulting them), act respectfully toward people.
2. Resolve your troubled relationship with your mother so that this early life relationship doesn’t hurt you anymore. Put out that original fire, so it stops spreading.
3. Prepare for this guilt torture to continue as you work on 1 and 2, but over time it will lessen and eventually, it will not be there anymore.
– let me know if you want to work with me on 1 and 2, and which one you want to start with.
anita
April 19, 2020 at 7:31 am #350488anonymous03ParticipantHi Sofioula,
Thank you so very much for reaching out to me. I’m in a really bad place mentally and emotionally, and I so appreciate your words.
Yes I went through the whole self-blame period for a long long time. Still do actually. When I was with my ex, I had obsessive thoughts too. If you read my other replies, you will know some of my thoughts. I am currently not in therapy, and might not be able to go soon due to the lockdown thanks to COVID-19. If you are comfortable, could you tell me a little about your experience?
About my ex, well, yeah I have to admit that I did get the feeling that it was all about him in that meeting. I’d have felt nice if I had been asked about my time away from him. Or how the breakup had affected me. To me, it seemed that for him this had been some sort of break. Not a breakup. It felt like he had expected me to be standing right where he left me. And then when he was ready for it, he could just open the door and let me in again. It felt like he’d not had the fear of losing me at all. I’d have liked it if he’d said he missed me. That he loved me. He’s never been good with words and expressing himself. But I’m kinda exhausted of giving him that benefit of doubt. In his defense though, he did cry in the second meeting, saying he missed me. He even asked if we could stay in touch. God, there is so much pain associated with him… I can’t even… It had been a painful time, for the month before the breakup. And it had been a harsh breakup. I feel he could have been gentler with me. I now realise that it took me months of getting over just the pain that harshness had inflicted on me. The pain of the loss of the relationship and the life I thought I was going to have seems to have just set in… I’m gonna stop… I’m getting all teary…
He isn’t a bad person. So I don’t know if he counts as manipulative or not.
I’m in such a bad frame of mind I could use a hug. Even if it’s from a stranger from the Web. That doesn’t matter as long as it’s genuine.
Thank you… I’d love to hear from you again…
April 19, 2020 at 8:20 am #350494anonymous03ParticipantHi Anita,
Thank you so much for replying again…
About my mother, well, I lost my dad when I was a teenager, and it’s just been me and mom since. So she’s raised me single-handedly since then. It hasn’t been easy. We, well, we’re different people. So I wasn’t really an easy kid for her. And it has been a relationship with a fair amount of friction.
I’d love to start with Step 1. The thing about Step 2, I’ve tried things with her. She just… Isn’t very receptive to things I have to say… And talking to her about these things just does more damage than good to be honest.
Waiting to hear from you…
April 19, 2020 at 8:33 am #350498AnonymousGuestDear anonymous03:
You are welcome. From your first post today, I read that you are presently “in a really bad place mentally and emotionally”. I don’t know of you feel like discussing your relationship with your mother, at this point.. or ever. But reads to me that it will be very beneficial to you, when you are ready. You probably focus on your the men in your life, A and B, but the most powerful person in your life has been and still is your mother.
Will you update me on the current situation with A and B, and are you currently living with your mother? If you do, what is the daily interaction with her like?
anita
April 20, 2020 at 10:32 am #350704AnonymousGuestDear anonymous03:
I am re-reading what you shared in this thread, so look more closely at your guilt. The following is only part of your many guilt expressions:
“my boyfriend of 8 years.. A, dumped me.. I was sucked into this whirlpool of self-blame and self-guilt, convinced that had I been a better girlfriend (.. I wasn’t a good one; I was needy, clingy, nagging, and probably toxic), he wouldn’t have left… (A) cried. A lot. I couldn’t understand what I had done… I couldn’t stand the thought of hurting (B)… I am always nervous and on edge and full of guilt... If I hadn’t gotten (B) involved in me, I could have saved him from all this mess.. I am a horrible and a weak person.. I even have this crazy idea that my IBS troubles will vanish if I go back to my ex.. I’m such a horrible person… I’m not really an easy person to be with… I am a short- tempered person.. Had I been a more supportive girlfriend, (A) would have opened up to me. Had I been more loving and accepting rather than critical, he would have let me in… I felt extremely guilty, because I felt I was betraying B.. All these thoughts also make me extremely guilty.. I think I am a horrible person… I must be a terrible person… I feel guilty about almost everything… I feel guilty for being a bad daughter to my mother.. I multiple times have felt everything is my fault.. I used to have these thoughts.. the way he sat or how his hair looked, and used to feel extremely guilty for having them… my therapist said my mother is emotionally abusive, and I started feeling I was emotionally abusing my boyfriend just like that… Coming to guilt, like I mentioned before, I feel guilty about any and everything.
Before A and B, it was about my mother. WE have a rocky and rough relationship, and I felt guilty I wasn’t able to be a good daughter. I feel guilty for going out with friends. I’d feel guilty when we’d fight, thinking that I’m a bad daughter for talking back, after all that she has done for me… I believe everything that goes wrong is my fault. I have a list of things that make me guilty… I shouldn’t have done that.. I never meant to.. I had no right to.. This made my guilt so bad.. it’s just been me and mom.. she’s raised me single-handedly. I wasn’t really an easy kid to her.. I’ve tried things with her. She just… isn’t very receptive to things I have to say.. talking to her about these things just does more damage”.
I counted the word guilt and guilty 14 times. The words blame and fault are there as well. Clearly, you have been carrying an extreme sense of guilt from your early and ongoing relationship with your mother. She has hurt you in significant ways, and as a result of being hurt by her, you felt angry at her. Next, you felt guilty for feeling angry at her. (Not realizing that any person automatically feels anger at the person who hurts them).
You feel guilty for feeling angry, for expressing anger in any way, for feeling clingy and needy, and for anything at all that goes wrong. If someone is unhappy- it must be that you did something wrong!
No one can possibly have a peace of mind for long when feeling guilty for everything that goes wrong. Because lots of things do go wrong.
I imagine that your mother hurt you a lot, and that like your therapist said, she’s been emotionally abusive to you, criticizing you, rejecting all your efforts to reach out to her, all your efforts to make her understand.. that you love her, and that you never want to hurt her. She is unreachable; you can’t reach her.
She listed to you all the wrong things that you do; she never listed anything that she did wrong, so you believed her: it must be you who is responsible for anything and everything that goes wrong. She took zero responsibility for what went wrong in her relationship with you, so you took 100% of that responsibility.
The guilt with her expanded to your guilt regarding A, so much so, that you may think (?) that the IBS you suffer from is a punishment for not being back with A, and that if you do go back to him, your IBS/punishment will vanish.
I hope to read from you soon.
anita
April 20, 2020 at 3:11 pm #350774AnonymousInactiveDear anonymous03:
I’m sending a big, warm hug to you from Greece. Know that you are not alone. We are sisters – in – pain. Not only you and me, but oh so many women and men with nothing but a blackened heart. I’m really sorry to have replied to you so late, I’m just not good with reading my emails soon…
I don’t know if you can read my topics and get a glimpse of my experience as you asked,but I’m also gonna give you the gist of it. I was in a one year relationship. It was my first one although I was 23 at the time. I was insecure as every inexperienced girl is so I bought all of his manipulation, of him lying, using me, ignoring me, belittling me in shuttle ways even gaslighting, which was detrimental to my mental health. I was a yes girl, a 1950’s wife to a man that would even pluck a flower from his garden to offer me, or even drive me safely home when I was sick with bronchitis in the middle of the cold winter… People around me started noticing his “abuse” and cold heart. What I was left with was an out of control non stop self blaming guilt tripping, wanting to go back to him, back to the past and fix everything OCD day and night, excruciatingly for more than a year. I was living on auto pilot, I actually have huge memory gaps because of it and I’m still fighting it, though be it, I’m soooooo much more improved mentally. He basically made me out to be a crazy-for-no-reason- jealous girlfriend and I bought it.
He would never take me to parties, denied me to meet his family, hated my sister, restricted me on fb and flat out made me think I’m crazy when i was clearly seeing other girls where texting him. He fiercely denied to videochat with me during us being apart for more than a month, he wouldn’t let me stay at his place when I was in need of shelter and he would only see me twice a week. He would make me take 3 busses to get back home whilst owning a luxury car himself. When I would always be available, always cooking, doing HIS dishes, giving him full body massages every single week, buying him thoughtful gifts, comforting him, attending him when sick… He wouldn’t even see me when I was sick, or if it was raining even… And that’s just scratching the surface…
But all this time blaming me for everything, calling me jealous, saying he loved me that I’m his first love, he cried when I was cowardly confronting him… Even when I finally broke up with him, he continued to say he loved me but he didn’t want a future with me.He was furious saying HE didn’t want to break up. So, I mean… Listen, they have the way to trun the tables to save their own skin and inconvenience.
If there’s one thing I found out in this little experience I have gained is that I DON’T WANT YOUR STUPID AFTERMATH TEARS AND LOVE. Period. Because you made me go through hell when I only gave you paradise. Know this- yes, you are not a perfect girlfriend, yes life and relationships can have bad moments and it’s not only heaven. And it’s natural, sometimes people break up because not all things can be worked out. But in your case the way he CHOSE to exit, knowing he would scar you is because he didn’t care. He doesn’t care. About you that is. Becasue the aftermath clearly states he care only for himself…
You can’t just reconnect with someone after nine month, or even three months and mess with their emotional stability and new life. When you’re in love deeply, you either won’t let this person go, or you will let them go with respect.
But ok, let’s say it was a bad moment he had there and he was an a$$ by accident. The next day he should have apologized or even within a month he would have reached out, either to get back together or make amends. You are no less than a big part of his life and if he treated you like an available 24/7 walmart, that’s tells yoy hoe much he values his life in general. I would advice you not to buy into anything he says. Not out of spite, but out of pure men logic. Please, if you feel comfortable tell me exactly what you say to yourself about this, as in the obssessive thoughts in your head.
I’m sorry for the long reply. I hope you post again!
April 20, 2020 at 3:38 pm #350782AnonymousInactiveIn addition :
Sorry I miss one of your replies taling about the obsessive thoughts you have, regarding your mom etc before I replied.
It’s the same with me. I happen to have both my parents and they both imprinted in me guilt tripping. My dad because he too most like suffers with OCD and also my mom for pushing us to be perfect and having too high expectations of us. Meaning unrealistic. They both did it unknowingly and I think the same is with your mom. So, I think this will help you to heal this aspect of feeling bad for “blaming” your mother.Did she often compare you to other people?
I have Relationship OCD in the sense of being obsessed of having a relationship and blaming it all on me when it doesn’t go well or it I’m single. I also have scrupulous OCD and basically in a nutshell every spectrum of it except the symmetry and hoarding ones.
If it’s not hurting you share some thoughts of yours. For example I always ruminate “what if he was a good man and I’ve wronged him”, “what if I lost my only chance of happiness”, “was I suffocating him”, “what if I was a better girlfriend”. Also, making assumptions bases on weird or simple coincidences. Ezample: hearing that song of your on his bday and thinking it’s “meant to be” or that “he thinks of me” when the dog breed he wanted to adopt passes you by. Does it ring any bell for you?
April 24, 2020 at 8:14 am #351396anonymous03ParticipantHi Anita,
Thank you for your response again.
Well with my mother… Oii… It’s always been difficult. As far as my earliest memory, I remember my mother has always been this angry and anxious person. So I always got yelled at. As a child, this would fill me with this “I have done something wrong” sense. I am an only child, so I always got the full force of her anger. I was terrified of her. As I grew older, the yelling continued. But with growing up, my tolerance for her screaming reduced, and I started arguing back. Now, when she yells, I yell too. Honestly, because I just can’t take it. Don’t get me wrong; she loves me and takes care of me in every way she can. But yeah, she screams a lot. I am very different than her in many many ways; different ideologies, different thought processes, different way of doing things. This doesn’t help at all, because I have kind of observed that she has this “if it’s not my way, it’s wrong” thing. Not all the time. But most of the time. So I sometimes get scolded because of that too. We’re just two of us in our family, so it’s difficult. When she yells, mostly it leads to a fight, because I simply can’t take it anymore. I try not to yell back, but sometimes I just can’t help it. She scolds for the same thing again and again.
She… kind of… has been critical of me as well. I’d score a 95/100, but she’s say “I thought you’d get a 97”. She always expected me to be in the cream of everything I did. She comments on my body, how I am too skinny, how my hair is too thin, how my makeup is too much, and the such. I hate getting ready for parties in front of her. She kind of brings me down as well, telling me things I can’t do. Even if I do something really well, she has to comment on something I did wrong with it. It is extremely annoying.
She has always been quite controlling as well. I wasn’t even allowed to wear my hair the way I wanted until I put my put down. It seems that all she wants me to do is what she wants me to do. I have different hobbies than she does. When I pursued one of them, it literally was hell. She didn’t speak to me properly for months. She’d also give me the cold treatment: not looking at me, not answering me, behaving like I don’t even exist, if she would look at me, it would only be to look at me with absolute hatred, if she would talk to me, it would be to yell at me. I didn’t even understand what I had done wrong to be honest. It took us a while to get over that.
I also noticed that she treats me like her emotional punchbag. When she is really stressed out, she tends to start screaming at me. Say something happened at work, she’d come home and scream at me for something as silly as my bag being on the couch. After she’d scream, her mood would drastically flip onto a positive one, and then she’d tell me what happened at work, and then I’d understand why she was screaming.
She’s breached my privacy too, reading my diaries. So I stopped writing them.
So yeah… I’ve had a difficult relationship with her, made worse by my father passing away when I was in my early teens. She wants us to be friends, but I’m not really comfortable telling her things. I only tell her stuff when I’m extremely anxious. She is an ultra-introvert, has barely any friends, doesn’t speak to relatives much either. She tells me I am her only source of happiness, which, to be honest, is immense pressure. She never seems to be on board for anything I wanna do.
To answer your question, yes I live with her. Currently, we’re together all day due to lockdown. She does all the chores and work, never letting me touch anything. It makes me feel like a pampered brat, and she knows I don’t like it. But I can’t help it, she wants everything done by 8 am in the morning, and I can’t wake up that early, by 6, and do it. But it just doesn’t work with her if I do it after I wake up by 8. So then, I’ve chucked it. And then she tells her friend I do nothing. Imagine my frustration.
Hope to hear from you…
April 24, 2020 at 8:14 am #351398anonymous03ParticipantHi Anita,
Thank you for your response again.
Well with my mother… Oii… It’s always been difficult. As far as my earliest memory, I remember my mother has always been this angry and anxious person. So I always got yelled at. As a child, this would fill me with this “I have done something wrong” sense. I am an only child, so I always got the full force of her anger. I was terrified of her. As I grew older, the yelling continued. But with growing up, my tolerance for her screaming reduced, and I started arguing back. Now, when she yells, I yell too. Honestly, because I just can’t take it. Don’t get me wrong; she loves me and takes care of me in every way she can. But yeah, she screams a lot. I am very different than her in many many ways; different ideologies, different thought processes, different way of doing things. This doesn’t help at all, because I have kind of observed that she has this “if it’s not my way, it’s wrong” thing. Not all the time. But most of the time. So I sometimes get scolded because of that too. We’re just two of us in our family, so it’s difficult. When she yells, mostly it leads to a fight, because I simply can’t take it anymore. I try not to yell back, but sometimes I just can’t help it. She scolds for the same thing again and again.
She… kind of… has been critical of me as well. I’d score a 95/100, but she’s say “I thought you’d get a 97”. She always expected me to be in the cream of everything I did. She comments on my body, how I am too skinny, how my hair is too thin, how my makeup is too much, and the such. I hate getting ready for parties in front of her. She kind of brings me down as well, telling me things I can’t do. Even if I do something really well, she has to comment on something I did wrong with it. It is extremely annoying.
She has always been quite controlling as well. I wasn’t even allowed to wear my hair the way I wanted until I put my put down. It seems that all she wants me to do is what she wants me to do. I have different hobbies than she does. When I pursued one of them, it literally was hell. She didn’t speak to me properly for months. She’d also give me the cold treatment: not looking at me, not answering me, behaving like I don’t even exist, if she would look at me, it would only be to look at me with absolute hatred, if she would talk to me, it would be to yell at me. I didn’t even understand what I had done wrong to be honest. It took us a while to get over that.
I also noticed that she treats me like her emotional punchbag. When she is really stressed out, she tends to start screaming at me. Say something happened at work, she’d come home and scream at me for something as silly as my bag being on the couch. After she’d scream, her mood would drastically flip onto a positive one, and then she’d tell me what happened at work, and then I’d understand why she was screaming.
She’s breached my privacy too, reading my diaries. So I stopped writing them.
So yeah… I’ve had a difficult relationship with her, made worse by my father passing away when I was in my early teens. She wants us to be friends, but I’m not really comfortable telling her things. I only tell her stuff when I’m extremely anxious. She is an ultra-introvert, has barely any friends, doesn’t speak to relatives much either. She tells me I am her only source of happiness, which, to be honest, is immense pressure. She never seems to be on board for anything I wanna do.
To answer your question, yes I live with her. Currently, we’re together all day due to lockdown. She does all the chores and work, never letting me touch anything. It makes me feel like a pampered brat, and she knows I don’t like it. But I can’t help it, she wants everything done by 8 am in the morning, and I can’t wake up that early, by 6, and do it. But it just doesn’t work with her if I do it after I wake up by 8. So then, I’ve chucked it. And then she tells her friend I do nothing. Imagine my frustration.
Hope to hear from you…
April 24, 2020 at 9:31 am #351420AnonymousGuestDear anonymous03:
Your mother and mine have lots in common, and so do you and I, as a result. But our mothers are not identical, of course, and therefore I am keeping it in mind, so to not project my mother into yours.
Who was your mother before you came into her life/ who she is with no connection to who you are: “this angry and anxious person.. an ultra- introvert, has barely any friends, doesn’t speak to relatives much”-
– anxious and angry, non-assertive at work and elsewhere outside her own home, she feels powerless, a victim of people and circumstances. She keeps her anger in while at work because she is afraid to confront people at work; she may get angry at the post office or at the supermarket, etc., feeling that she was not treated well, but she keeps the hurt and anger in, because she is afraid to confront the people in the post office and supermarket etc., she is afraid of people.
And then she goes home (“Something happened at work, she’d come home”). At home she is no longer afraid because she is not afraid of you, not when you were a child, and not now; she was not afraid to yell at you then, and she is not afraid to yell at you now (“I always got yelled at. As a child.. As I grew older, the yelling continued”).
Angry at work, she controls her anger until she gets home; at home she feels comfortable to finally express her anger and feel better for having done so: “she’d come home and scream at me for something as silly as my bag being on the couch. After she’d scream, her mood would drastically flip onto a positive one”.
You wrote: “Don’t get me wrong: she loves me and takes care of me in every way she can”- I am sure she sometimes feels affection for you, but that affection doesn’t stop her from hurting you repeatedly and knowingly. This occasional affection is a compartmentalized kind of affection– it doesn’t interrupt her hateful behavior toward you (“I always got the full force of her anger… she screams a lot…She scolds for the same thing again and again… She comments on my body, how I am too skinny, how my hair is too thin… She’d also give me the cold treatment: not looking at me, not answering me, behaving like I don’t even exist, if she would look at me, it would only be to look at me with absolute hatred”).
She is not afraid of you, and she doesn’t value you as a person with your own hurt feelings and fears, as a person who loves her so much, or as a person with rights (“She’s breached my privacy too, reading my diaries”).
She feels that you are her own to do with as she pleases, her belonging, a someone or something with no one to turn to and complain about her (she will not yell at a child outside home for fear of the child’s parent).
“She tells me I am her only source of happiness”- you are her only belonging, outside of furniture and other inanimate objects, that is an interactive kind of belonging, one that is useful in ways others belongings are not.
I will be glad to continue to communicate with you further. I will be back to the computer in a few hours from now.
anita
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