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  • July 11, 2016 at 11:42 am #109412
    Krista
    Participant

    I’m finding myself at a crossroads with a relationship that I’ve been in for just over 2 years. It has been one of the best relationships of my life (when things are good – which is 85% of the time). I’m a mid-40’s divorcee with two great boys (teens) and after @15 years my ex and I split, but have a good relationship/stable base for the boys. I worked through a lot of my loss and emotional issues and grounded myself in open thought in the months after the divorce. I forgave myself and my ex, learned as much as could, tossed my expectations, and was healthy inside before I met “John”.

    John is the same age, but had never been married and did not have children. Our connection was slow cooked through friendship and common interests, but it became clear early on that he was thoughtful, intelligent, and interesting. In the past two years, our relationship has been satisfying, honest and open, and we’ve even talked of a more permanent future. He is great with my sons and takes tremendous care of me (physically, mentally) and is a valuable member of the family. When we disagree, we talk frankly and try to find a common solution. He is an exceptional man and we are fiercely faithful to each other. I work very hard to avoid the mistakes of my previous relationship (i.e. withdrawing, assumptions, high expectations, and resentment).

    So, what’s the catch, right? At least once a month he vents about all of these “issues” that have been bothering him. I think that we are having great communication, sharing ideas, working as a team. He is openly loving, caring and supportive and suddenly – WHAM!! The common or typical statements are that “he can’t do anything he wants to (see friends, have unencumbered “free time”, etc.) because of all of these demands of the relationship” (we are pretty low key family and I am independent about including him, but still holding down the responsibilities of my kids, the house, etc.). He says “he feels guilty if he tells me he has something else to do” (i.e. work on the car when I ask if he wants to join us on a bike ride or something) even though I’m openly appreciative of what he does to save money and try and balance time with me and/or the boys with tasks and responsibilities. We recently went on vacation (he had almost 10 days off including 4 days we traveled to spend time with my family) and I was heartbroken to hear him vent within hours of returning home with statements that included:
    1. “I barely had one day out of 10 to do what I wanted without people telling me what to do and where to go” – During the 10 days, we had three days sans kids where we spent time doing things I thought were mutually agreed upon, he spent several days (including one where I was working all day) getting items ready for the trip (on his own volition) and hanging out on his own time, and then four days with my family in which I thought we were having a good time and enjoying being together. Througout these days, I encouraged him to take time for himself and was appreciative of everything he was doing to pack and have a great vacation.
    2. I give 100% of myself to this relationship and I feel like there is no balance
    3. If I do anything other than what you expect, “you’re angry” or “I’ll get in trouble” – really no idea what this is based on because I go out of my way to be flexible, open and NOT have expectations other than he respect me and our relationship.
    I was so hurt by his outburst, not one, but another after an hour of him stewing while I took my youngest to an event – that we ended up fighting the remainder of the night. At one point I asked him what he expected me to do, other than be upset, when he makes these sweeping negative comments about he is constantly “wronged” by others. He replied that he wants me to show him affection, but to me that feels like rewarding bad behavior. I try and talk through it and understand where he is coming from, but it goes downhill with more negativity thrown on the fire and I end up clamming up before my fear and anger get the best of me. Ultimately, he feels guilty, tells me how much I mean to him, sees the pain that I’m struggling with, and we figure it out but it is only a matter of time before the scenario is repeated.

    “John” is an only child and admits openly to trying to be less selfish because he doesn’t want to lose our relationship, but these monthly sessions make me question if he really is happy, if I’m not seeing the forest for the trees, etc. I get the whole – this is a new world for him and he is stepping into a functioning and complicated family unit. I am tremendously sensitive to this as I was a step mom to my ex’s son. I am guilty of overthinking things because I want to understand and consider all the angles for the best outcome, but this repetitive negativity without solution or improvement overshadows the great times we have together. Any insight would be great…

    • This topic was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by Krista.
    July 11, 2016 at 12:03 pm #109414
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear kiki2414:

    Sounds like he is throwing a temper tantrum once in a while, releasing steam. The reason there is no improvement in this regard is that these are temper tantrums, not discussion, not two sided communication sessions.

    My understanding is that he is having difficulty being assertive. Him being the only child, unfortunately, did not mean that he got to do what he wanted to do, but that he tried to hard to please his mother &/ or his father. In his case, his childhood was such that he denied his own needs and wants so to please his parent/s.

    And so he is continuing to deny his needs and wants, and he can endure it because it means he is getting along and things are going well, until his repeating small scale frustrations about giving in so to please others, adds up to a big enough frustration, big enough to lead to a temper tantrum, an explosion of sorts.

    So, I think that he is enjoying his involvement with you and your family, getting his positive payoff in spite of his small frustrations throughout the time. Problem is eventually these add up to a great enough distress that he needs to release it.

    Solution is for him to learn to assert himself, to specify his needs and wants along the way- to avoid the small frustrations and so to avoid the adding up of those into a bigger frustration and a tantrum.

    It is not easy to do so. One of the things he expressed to you is that he is afraid you will be angry at him: “If I do anything other than what you expect, “you’re angry” or “I’ll get in trouble”- when he tells you that, he is talking to one of his parents, probably his mother. He is projecting his mother into you. This sentence is telling- that as a child, to avoid his mother’s anger at him, to avoid getting in trouble with her, he … had to do what she wanted him to do.

    And even though you are not his mother, and you don’t force him to do things, he FEELS that if he doesn’t, he’ll get in trouble with you.

    Psychotherapy with a competent therapist to process his troubled relationship with his mother (and/ or father, main caretaker) will help him a whole lot. It really is sad, isn’t it, how troubled his childhood was, how demanding his mother was and how he still pays the price (and occasionally makes you pay as well)>

    What do you think?

    anita

    July 11, 2016 at 12:30 pm #109416
    Krista
    Participant

    Anita,

    You are very accurate on this and I even said the same thing last night (about assertiveness) when he was angry about doing “A” with the family, but never expressed that he wanted to do “B” instead.

    I’ve come to a similar conclusion about his statements/actions. It is painful because he is so very intelligent, and this is inaccurate thinking on my part, but he should be able to rationalize his feelings and find a better solution if he doesn’t want to damage the relationship. I know that’s not the case when old habits, behaviors and fears aren’t addressed in a person’s past issues. His emotional intelligence is almost selective – he touches my heart when he picks up beautiful moments and emotions, but his EI is not developed as much as it could be (overcoming old fears, habits, ego, etc.) because he stuffs his feelings down until the “tantrum” shows up. In the past, I think he just did what worked to suit him – it was always on his terms, or he was alone the rest of the time. I see so much potential in him and he says he wants to be a better person. He has expressed that I’m helping show him things like forgiveness, selflessness, positive instead of negative, etc. but it is draining at the same time for me to balance his dark moods when I’m already juggling a full time career and two kids. I’m hopeful, and I’m looking for ways to help him, but also stay healthy myself too. I don’t want to walk away from this, but setting healthy boundaries are important to me.

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by Krista.
    July 11, 2016 at 3:38 pm #109425
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear kiki2414:

    Your relationship with him has to be a Win for you, and a Win-Win to the two of you. If it is a lose for you, if you are drained and your career and/ or your parenting of your children suffer as a result of the relationship with him, then the relationship should drastically change or end.

    Couple therapy, if he can afford it, can help a whole lot. In such, a competent therapist can teach him right there and then to assert himself with you. He can learn this new skill. It is not too late for him. I learned this in my first competent therapy (Couple) five years ago and I am still working on it, asserting myself. I am intelligent too, like your boyfriend, and it is very difficult when submission to a parent is so well ingrained.

    You wrote that in his past he had things on his own terms, you mean in other relationships? I don’t know what “on his own terms” means, but he was not assertive with other women, I don’t believe, at least not if he was emotionally attached to them. There is this fear fueling the reluctance to assert, the fear of punishment, of withdrawal of affection, of disapproval- recorded in a person neural pathways and that is very powerful.

    He will need to feel safe with you in order to assert himself. You will need to afford him lots of empathy and patience if this is to succeed. You sound like a very intelligent, reasonable woman and he is very fortunate, it seems to me, to have you in his life. Unfortunately, your reservoir of energy is not unlimited, so he has to exercise assertiveness no matter how difficult it is for him, so not to lose him.

    Again, couple therapy would be perfect, “Couple” so that he can exercise assertiveness with you under the supervision and guidance of a competent therapist.

    Hope you post again anytime, and with any developments.

    anita

    July 11, 2016 at 6:08 pm #109432
    keine
    Participant

    I agree with Anita. Somewhere along the line “John” learned that standing up for himself and expressing his own desires and needs was “bad” and would earn the wrath (or worse, the emotional distance) of those close to him.

    Couples therapy would do you both a world of good. John needs to learn to communicate to you (and the rest of the world) what he needs and wants.

    I hope you two can work through these issues and be happy together.

    July 12, 2016 at 5:39 am #109462
    Krista
    Participant

    Thanks to everyone for your thoughts on my issue – we’re going to keep working on this and find a way to get that “win-win” 🙂 To his benefit, “John” is not paralyzed by indecision or passivity. In fact, he is independent, decisive, contributes to planning and is usually a good communicator so I’m still trying to understand what triggers his fear or frustration that results in these “tantrums” as Anita mentioned. Counseling would be helpful and I’m also finding resources that he can absorb privately and consider as part of self-awareness. I am grateful that he is open to understanding and improving himself, and that we can be open about improving our own selves as individuals (I’m not perfect by a longshot LOL) and also building a stronger “us”.

    July 12, 2016 at 6:09 am #109465
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear kiki2414:

    You are welcome. Seems to me like he is a good man and it definitely makes sense to build a stronger “us” with him. I think there is a lot to learn about a man by learning about the relationship of the boy that he was with his mother.

    Would be nice if he can get his mother out of the “us” so it is really just you and him in that relationship with you.

    anita

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