I believe that when two people don’t work out in a relationship then there is good reason for it whether it is a bad match or that one or the other or both people need to find that love in themselves rather than act out in fear.

My way of creating a loving life for myself is to surround myself with kind and loving people who are supportive. Life is too short to deal with those who have pain and fear in themselves and let it out in negative behavior and words.

Only you can really choose if you love yourself enough to stay with her or not.

Mark

I am,

In addition to Mark’s heartfelt and wise perspective, also consider that we often encounter teachers in the relationships we get into. So, you’ve noticed that you sometimes grab on to comments other people make and take them in, make them about you, and feel uncomfortable. And, you happen to be in a relationship that challenges that aspect of you? What a blessing! What a good time to learn to let go, to let other people’s perspectives remain about them!

Often we get caught up in the symptoms and ignore the causes. For instance, you have a fragile self esteem. So, when someone offers an opinion that challenges it, perhaps it breaks and you feel a rush of “disconnection” or “defensive” thoughts and emotions. Instead of “she doesn’t like that”, and knowing the other more closely, you grab it and it becomes “she doesn’t like me”… whereby there is motivitation or pushing to resolve it, fix it, change. However, conditions are impermanent, and constantly shifting, so even if you make that change, grow in a way pleasing to her, her desires may shift and you’re left again feeling not good enough. Many relationships spend their life doing just that, dancing from leaf to leaf, symptom to symptom, and not tending the roots.

Consider addressing the root directly, which is the esteem. Perhaps get into better habits of caring for yourself, of tending your garden gently, which helps you remain stable. Then, you won’t lean into their words. For instance, say you were to sit in meditation, then take a bath, and feel a lot of inner strength and warmth… knowing, from experience, that you are capable of tending your needs, filling your heart. Then, being well nourished, you reengage with the outside world, and a stranger says “oh boy, you are unkind”. As you hear the words, from a rooted place, it sounds as “I find such and such qualities displeasing”, and the response is inquisitive such as “I wonder what that’s about, wonder what their likes are”, rather than “oh no, am I mean?”. You won’t lean into those words, grasp them, because you know you are kind… you just spent time specifically being kind and gentle!

In this way, instead of trying to get others to say pleasing things, we are delighted as they say what they truly think, feel, and see. If they don’t like our hair, how interesting! If they don’t like our face, how interesting! If they don’t like our attitude, how interesting! Its not our dislike, not our preference, not our issue. Then, we have a well rooted wisdom that let’s us decide and aim. Perhaps we do change our hair, perhaps we change our partner… whatever seems right for us. But we don’t falsely think “oh, perhaps my hair is just bad”. No such thing, only preferences!

With warmth,
Matt

I understand where you are coming from, except on the flip-side. I am the guy that criticizes.

We have also been off and on. I have been in a relationship where anytime my girlfriend has had a problem, instead of listening and being emotionally supportive, i tried to fix it for her, or if she had any idea on how to fix it, i would tell her that she should do this (kind of like, trust me i know this because i have done it a thousand times). It comes off as me trying to show off how smart i am, how dumb she is, and how incapable she is and yes, criticized.

That has never been my intent because i love her so much and i am working hard on changing that because i deeply care for her. She knows that i am truly a loving person and deep down i would never hurt her but i still do it. We are no longer together anymore and we have decided to give each other space, could be permanent could be not..

Where i am going with this is, it sounds like you need your space to rediscover yourself. Don’t put a time limit on yourself. Just do you. You need to start doing things on your own again so you can start building up your self esteem, rediscover stuff that makes you happy and cherish your accomplishments, for yourself. I am sure you are a great person with lots to contribute and appreciate.

The other part of this is after you find your peace, your self esteem, i think you will realize everything happens for a reason. That reason could be the person you are with has a revelation and completely changes, or you meet someone who is better in tune with your needs. From what i have seen, most people don’t change as they get older, they only refine themselves. Unless they have a complete revelation, don’t expect much to change.

Your feelings should never have to be explained. You are either hurt or not hurt and if the other person can’t find the courage to say i am sorry for hurting your feelings, then that says a lot more about them then you (please take this with a grain of salt)

I myself, am going through what i hope is a revelation. I realize this is not who i am deep down inside and i must change my perceptions, for whoever i am with.

Good luck,

• This reply was modified 10 years, 11 months ago by rhino.
• This reply was modified 10 years, 11 months ago by rhino.

I am,

Loving and supportive sounds like how you want her to appear. Said differently, perhaps she was in some kind of pain that was pushing her, enflaring her emotions. Perhaps she is scared the house won’t get done, and is feeling overwhelemed and alone. Perhaps she sees the slow unfolding of the house work to be a symbol of your lack of interest in the project, your family with her, your love for her. After all, of she is scrubbing or hammering with love for you alongside her, such as “building” or “cleaning” your family home, and you seem to not be invested, perhaps she is scared you’re not with her, not joined with her in that way. Or, maybe she was PMSy. Who knows. It is interesting, but consider next time to direct that spaciousness toward her. “You sound upset my love, you sound in pain.” Perhaps wrap your arms around her and sing softly to her of your commitment and love for her, your dreams, remind her.

Said differently, you ask if she was loving and supportive. Were you? Still, keeping your peace is a great first step. Just remember, its not the only one! 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

I am,

Your question of “when do I get to be me” makes a lot of sense to me. She sounds like she takes up a lot of the space in your home, and you have tried to give that space in a lot of ways, but what about you? What about your safety? When do you get to be the little spoon?

I’m really impressed with how much you already see. Consider that perhaps she has a low self esteem, and fills her days with projects and chaos to prove something. My guess (interpreted through hearsay) is that she’s very passionate and self critical. So she runs and runs trying to fill her time with noise, so the self critic doesn’t have room to flog her. Or, she projects her sense of failure, fear of failure into you, and sees you as the reason her mind is beating her up.

This is why moving toward her with that spaciousness is perhaps more helpful than picking up a hammer. Said differently, she’s actively creating her prison, bouncing around it, and feeling painful thoughts. You love her, and have made no indication of wishing to leave her, so that leaves me believing that you wish to help her, but are tired, and perhaps have lost faith in yourself.

I don’t know her, so I can understand your hesitation. However, detachment is a foundation for joy, where disconnection is the foundation for apathy. Moving to bring the space, remind her that home is where the heart is, that she is loved amidst her scrambling will help you stop feeling like her pain doesn’t matter, such as “interesting clouds” and instead see her delusion and suffering as “interesting clouds” that fade when the light of warmth shines from you into her. Said differently, turning away makes total sense, and works to stop the pain from being all about you. Turning toward her with the same spacious view will help her settle. Maybe not the first time, maybe not the tenth, but there are only so many times a person can be embraced by love and space before they feel the space and warmth themselves, and come home, relax, and find peace.

Sorry if I came across as critical, after I posted, it occurred to me that perhaps it would be interpreted in that way. I can’t emphasize enough how awesome it was that you reached and found equanimity. That truly is an amazing feat, and getting space is crucial to our own stability and happiness. I’m actually on your side, hoping and wishing for your peace. Consider that “clouds are clouds, being themselves. I am me, being myself. Peaceful floating”. Awesome. Next though “what is her problem?” is perhaps the wrong direction, whereby “oh wow, she is really vibrantly expressive right now, I wonder what the thorn is that pushes the lioness to roar and weep and lament” perhaps honors the moment more than “she’s not very loving”. The goal is to let her pain inspire your compassion, which will lead you toward deeper contentment, and both of you toward joy (or a peaceful recognition you’re not a good fit for each other).

With warmth,
Matt

I am,

I’m sorry for your pain, and can understand why her words hurt your feelings. Consider that when you cheered her misfortune, she was perhaps hurt/embarrassed and so poked at you for awhile. Imagine, perhaps, if you had kicked her in the shin, she might grumble and mutter about you being an ass as she limps around.

Perhaps an interesting question to explore would be “why was the game so important that losing 2 spaces and some banter caused hurt feelings?” Her “just teasing” is a load of crap, she was poking. Consider that an apology would require her to acknowledge her hurt feelings, which she might be scared to do. Sometimes people confuse strength with always being right/stable/etc, so to admit hurt feelings means weakness, vulnerability, danger. Consider your hoping for an apology is asking more than you think! Even though you do deserve one of course, she could certainly have been nicer. Good luck!

With warmth,
Matt