I think your sense of drift and pain from childhood are probably two separate issues and I don’t believe one is caused by another. I think everyone finds themselves drifting at some point and wandering if they’re sort of fulfilling their purpose or just existing. I’ve gone through it in my late twenties and have people around me in the same age group who are deeply disturbed and/or depressed over it. Nothing to do with abuse however I think this state of mind may be triggering memories of abuse and eventually makes you feel even worse.

I’m not sure how to help you but I can just tell you what helped me reset myself for a lack of a better term. I walked it off on a trail in Spain. It’s called the way of saint James and it’s an old Catholic trail that dates back hundreds of years. Most people who walk nowadays aren’t religious. A lot walk to just figure things out and find themselves. You can walk alone if you want or pair up with someone every couple of days. But there are hundreds of people on it every day of the year and every single person you meat share some of the most intimate details of their life. It’s like a big therapy session. Funnily enough, a judge in Madrid orders folks involved in minor crimes to walk this trail because the person who starts it is typically a different person when they finish it. It’s a little extreme, I understand. But I always say that if there is anything I can suggest to a person that isn’t only fun but very healing it’s to do this. It makes you look at life from a different angle. And hearing what others who crossed your path are going through and why they’re walking while sharing your story is the healing journey that allows you to reevaluate your life, make peace with your fears and just get your life back in general.