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CPTSD and no one knows.

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Viewing 13 posts - 1 through 13 (of 13 total)
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  • December 12, 2016 at 9:05 pm #122573
    Kaylee
    Participant

    Hi there,

    I’m usually the one who lurks, in life and on forums. I sit back and watch, I disengage–my motto is “I don’t know”. I don’t know how I feel sometimes or what to even think. I just know this is painful, this is unbearable, and this will be a long post no one will probably read, but I need help.

    In March I realized that I had been badly abused by everyone I’ve ever loved. You see, I was so brainwashed that I did not know. I grew up with enough material things and was always told that I had the best family, that I was spoiled, that I wasn’t grateful. It turns out my mothers has malignant borderline narcissistic personality disorder, my ex-famous grandmother too, and my father is a cowardly enabler who’s completely cut off from his emotions. That’s everyone for me.

    My mother is a master manipulator and played the super-mom in public, but was Mommy Dearest behind closed doors. I always fought her; since I was 13 I would call her out. I would say awful things to her in response to her abuse, my fight response was STRONG… and during the throes of it all I just wanted to kill her. I fought her outwardly, but on the inside I felt so flawed, hurt and guilty. As a child, I made the decision to not speak unless spoken to, because everything I did was wrong. I would freeze when she started, but she pushed me until I erupted. Then, she would bring me over to the mirror to look at myself and she’d say, “Look at that miserable child. So much hate for your own mother, I do everything for you!”

    Once, convinced that I was insane and hurting badly, I stood on a roof 6 stories high in winter with a nightgown on. It was cold, but I thought I didn’t deserve a jacket–I didn’t even deserve to live! She came out to smoke, looked up at me, and just laughed and shook her head. Something clicked and I said, “Even if no one else sees this, if there’s even a 1% chance that I’m not crazy, what a shame it would be to die right now!” There was physical and sexual abuse (minor) as well, but my God, the gaslighting, projection, manipulation and crazy-making can kill you inside. My mother has Munchausen’s as well, and fakes hearing loss to this day for sympathy.

    Imagine being strung up and tortured, you’re hurting and there’s someone in front of you whom you trust. You cry out, “Please, help me!” That person looking at you does not see your pain no matter how you word it or explain–he says, “Just stop it. Happiness is a choice.” and goes back to watching TV. That man is my cowardly father, and I was also programmed to verbally abuse him from early on. I just graduated college and just moved back with him.

    I meditate daily, am no contact with my mom, I do EFT, I read Pema Chodron books and listen to her in the car, I sing, I run, I do neurofeedback, I go to therapy, and I read psychology books for fun. Sometimes I feel okay; this heaviness crawls out of my chest and I can breathe doubly. It’s a feeling I’ve never known. But some days I fall back to square one.

    I feel that no one understands. (which is probably a good thing) I mean, we just elected someone with NPD for president. I had never even HEARD of emotional abuse until a few months ago. I had to drop my friends because they were, of course, toxic too. I have no friends and no love. I feel so flawed and so “other”… like I’m not on the same page as everyone else out there. I have CPTSD… another thing no one knows about. The pain is so overwhelming sometimes, I just put my head in my hands and scream like I would when she would tell me the sky was green and I felt like I was going crazy.

    I cannot believe that I’ve lived like this for so long and no one did anything; it’s been so damaging. I can’t even get justice; she’s abusing someone else now. My uncle knew and he stayed silent, my father who claims to love me still minimizes and will never see me. Teachers never cared to ask why I often came to school with a swollen face from crying all night and morning… although I would have just told them I was sick. Why didn’t I seek better help at the time?

    I have these self-pity spells and this unbelievable disappointment with the world and with myself. I feel like a shell and have some crazy urge to be in prison, or survive in the wild, in a war. It’s simple, less complex and this urge is why people join cults. How does one recover from this, and all without friends or family (love)? If no one cared about a beautiful 6 year old girl, who’s going to care about a very damaged adult? I wake up at night and repeat: I don’t want to be here, I don’t want to be here.

    Gosh, there’s so much I could write. So much. I don’t know what I’m seeking and I have the urge to say “sorry for wasting your time” for anyone that’s even made it this far… but I wont. Thank you.

    December 13, 2016 at 7:38 am #122593
    Nautica
    Participant

    Girl, I’ve got such a similar situation.

    cPTSD and a sister who still remains stuck in our family. Our moms sound very much alike. And the way you describe your dad and uncle sounds a lot like the rest of my support system. Also the “crazy urge” to survive in the wild/war-time…eerily similar to the survivalist desires and dreams that I’ve had. This is all so hard.

    I’m just starting to read “Will I Ever Be Good Enough?” Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Karyl McBride, Ph.D. and by god, is it pertinent to what what I –and I think you– might be dealing with. I highly recommend it.

    Glad to hear you’re going to therapy, exercising, and meditating. What do you do for exercise? I think an exercise schedule would really help in times like this. If you haven’t already tried it, video games can also be used as a form of therapy. Clinical studies have shown that gaming can help alleviate the symptoms of PTSD up to 24 hours after playing. Even just Tetris works.

    All the Best,
    Nautica

    December 13, 2016 at 9:46 am #122601
    Kaylee
    Participant

    Hi Nautica,

    Thank you for your reply! I’m so sorry for your pain and dysfunctional support system. I’m also surprised that you’ve had survivalist desires too. I’ve never really talked about them and for a time didn’t know it was related to my situation or how to articulate it, but now I think they’ve definitely shaped my personality in a way.

    I actually have “Will I Ever Be Good Enough” on my bookshelf currently, along with a few others! Right now I’m reading “Waking The Tiger: Healing Trauma” by Peter Lavine and it’s pretty interesting. I’ll definitely read the McBride book next! “CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving” by Pete Walker is also a pretty insightful read if you’re interested.

    For exercise I like doing calisthenics. I go to a park nearby that has a pull-up bar and some nature. I also run a few laps and do some sprints to really get myself huffing and puffing.

    As far as video games go, I used to have a WoW addiction that started as a teenager living in that… awful household. I lost myself in the game and used to see it as a waste of time and a bad thing. I now see it as something that helped me get through really tough times without reaching for more destructive coping methods. Currently, however, I’d be worried that I would get lost in there again–although sometimes that’s all I want. I think I could try Tetris though. 😉

    Thanks again!

    December 13, 2016 at 10:11 am #122605
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear kayyli:

    I am very familiar with CPTSD, Pete Walker and Walking the Tiger. I am very familiar with the kind of abuse you described, personally.

    You wrote: “If no one cared about a beautiful 6 year old girl, who’s going to care about a very damaged adult?”- good point. Puppies and other animals’ young look cute, with round faces, evolutionary wise, for the purpose of the adults noticing and taking good care of them, is my understanding.

    How can a mother look at the face of an innocent child and hurt the child, so massively and repeatedly?

    It is only recently that I came up with the horrifying answer, in my life, my experience: she emotionally benefited from hurting me, from relieving herself from tension, distress to actually enjoying the sight of me hurt. I retroactively understand that little smile she had on her face when a particular attack was evidently successful.

    I too am no longer in contact with my mother; I only wish I was in no contact since I was your age and not decades later. No contact, in my experience, is necessary for healing.

    The healing process is extensive and long term, because the injuring was massive and repeated itself over a long time, with no one to notice or attend to the injured child.

    anita

    December 14, 2016 at 4:40 am #122671
    Mimi
    Participant

    kayyli,

    I experienced much milder childhood trauma, and yet it was so damaging to me. I can’t even imagine going through all that you experienced.

    The one thing I can really relate to is feeling so alone. I had no one to turn to. No one at all. You’d think that people would notice and help broken children, but they don’t want to get involved. My friend, who went through sexual, physical, and emotional abuse at home, even had relatives directly say to her that they couldn’t get involved. It’s so common and sickening.

    I wish that no one would ever have to go through anything like what you went through. I hope that someone on this site or somewhere can help you. You deserve to feel better and not have your entire life destroyed by a monster. Keep working to salvage what you can and carry on.

    I’m sorry for not being more helpful. I just wanted to say something, to let you know there is one more person who cares.

    December 14, 2016 at 5:16 pm #122743
    Mimi
    Participant

    kayyli,

    I was thinking that it’s good that you can see (in your memory and mind) a lot of the things that show you just how messed up your mom was. I mean, seeing the look of enjoyment when she hurt you, etc. I’m not saying those are good memories, but the good thing is that you can see very clearly how it’s all her, and none of it was your fault. She has a real sickness, which is sad, because you had to be on the receiving end of it, but at least maybe you don’t have any feelings of blame directed at yourself? Some people do when they’ve been in abusive relationships.

    I don’t know if this helps at all. I just thought of it when I was trying to sleep earlier today.

    December 15, 2016 at 2:09 pm #122821
    Danielle
    Participant

    Kayyli,

    I’m not even kidding you when I say that my situation was almost exactly what you’re talking about. My dad was almost exactly like your mom, and my mom and grandmother was like your dad. They saw the physical and mental/emotional abuse my father put me and my brother through, yet they just turned the other way. That gave me such an inferiority complex, too; clearly I’m less than dirt because my own family doesn’t even care to protect me.

    I sometimes have dreams of my dad sexually abusing me, but I’m not really sure that happened. To be honest, I just can’t remember.

    The don’t-speak-unless-spoken-to thing resonates, too. When I first moved in with him, my husband would ask me why I’m so quiet and why I always ended every sentence with, “I’m sorry.” I began to wonder, too, and that was the first time in my 18 (almost 19) years of life that I realized I was abused.

    I thought about killing myself and my parents multiple times, too. I thought, “God, it would be so much easier if I/they were dead.” My dad was/is also a major alcoholic, and he almost got arrested for it once. I remember sitting in the car, shaking and praying that he would go to jail so that the abuse would stop.

    I’m not sure if this helps you at all, but just know you’re not alone. I have CPTSD from my ordeal, too, and I know how hard it is. The important thing to remember is that you are worth it. You’re worth being alive to see yourself getting better. You’re worth putting those people and those memories behind you. I’m so sorry you couldn’t trust the people closest to you, and I know that’s one of the most awful things a person can endure.

    Just stay strong and remember that you are in control of your life now, not your family.

    December 17, 2016 at 9:20 am #122935
    Kaylee
    Participant

    Anita:
    “No contact, in my experience, is necessary for healing.” Amen.

    “The healing process is extensive and long term, because the injuring was massive and repeated itself over a long time, with no one to notice or attend to the injured child.”
    Yeah… sometimes I feel good and even the body dysmorphia lifts, but I get so disappointed and upset when it all comes crashing back down. This acceptance is difficult, because I become so resentful! Not only did I trudge through the 9 circles of hell on my own as a child without developing NPD myself, but I will be fighting this for the rest of my life. Ugh.

    And that psychopath smile… stuff of nightmares. I’m sorry that this happened to you, too, it’s awful. Glad you’re NC and on the healing journey!

    Mimi:
    If you’re familiar with Pema Chodron, she speaks of the indifference people have and how heartbreaking that is. I thought, wow, that’s the word! This apathy, indifference and complacency that blinds others from caring is awful. Sometimes this can really make me lose faith in this world and in people. I have to remember that not everyone is like that.

    And yes, a narcissistic mothers greatest weapon is blame and shame. Intense feelings of shame for who you are and “what you’ve done” can eat a person alive. It was only though the help of group therapy that I realized I had even been abused and that it wasn’t my fault. I used to think, “If people knew what I’d done and who I was, would they kill me?” I was completely brainwashed and could have never broken out of this alone. When it finally clicked that it wasn’t my fault, I felt this joy and relief that I’d never felt in my life. Unfortunately, though, knowing that intellectually is not enough to release 18 years+ of childhood programming… but the realization is a start and I’m grateful for it. Thank you for what you’ve said!

    Cestdanielle:
    Yesss! People would keep telling me, “Stop saying you’re sorry!” And the silence permeated my personality. When I have bouts of clarity now, I’m more spontaneous, talkative, and everything is just lighter and easier! I hope I can have more of these moments.

    It helps to know that others understand, but I’m so sorry that you’ve experienced something similar–it truly is one of the most awful things. I hope that you’re no contact with your “family” and are loving yourself.

    Thank you everyone for your words and taking the time to read mine! It means a lot to me that someone would take the time. <3

    December 17, 2016 at 9:45 am #122937
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear kayyli:

    You are welcome. Your writing above is powerful.

    You wrote: “I get so disappointed and upset when it all comes crashing back down.” and later: ” When it finally clicked that it wasn’t my fault, I felt this joy and relief that I’d never felt in my life. Unfortunately, though, knowing that intellectually is not enough to release 18 years+ of childhood programming…”

    The reason that intellectual understanding by itself is not enough to make that moment of relief last is because during the long term abuse, many, many connections between brain cells were made. When we understand something intellectually, this is a few connections made. But these new connections do not undo the many more connections still there. So following the relief, we think (don’t we?): “I got it! I understand now!”

    It has been an ongoing disappointment for me that after the I-got-it, I found myself not getting it, again and again. It finally… got it that UNLEARNING what we already learned (being shameful, guilty and more) takes a lot of time, paying attention (Mindfulness), extreme gentleness with ourselves and unbelievable amount of patience with the process.

    When it occurred to me for the first time a few years ago: “There is nothing wrong with me”- that was new learning. This new learning could not take hold permanently until the old learning was unlearned. I made a lot of progress unlearning in the last few years.

    Please do post anytime.

    anita

    December 17, 2016 at 12:05 pm #122942
    Mimi
    Participant

    kayyli,

    Anita was right when she said that your writing is powerful. You write very well, which of course makes me think that you could write a book. It might actually help you to write about the entire experience, because you wouldn’t just be reinforcing the brain pathways of the bad memories, but also talking about ways that you and others have healed yourself, at least somewhat (I know it’s a lifelong process).

    I just think that you do have a gift for writing and expressing yourself, and you could help a lot of people with a book, and maybe help yourself along the way.

    Just a thought.

    December 23, 2016 at 5:38 pm #123401
    Kaylee
    Participant

    “So following the relief, we think (don’t we?): ‘I got it! I understand now!’
    It has been an ongoing disappointment for me that after the I-got-it, I found myself not getting it, again and again”

    Yess! So, so frustrating. I can be very impatient with this process. If there’s anything in particular that helped you unlearn, I’d love to hear about it.

    And thank you so much for complimenting my writing! It’s funny, because it just reminds me of the limitations I place on my abilities–I’ve never considered myself a good writer. A therapist once suggested that I could write a book, but that self-doubt gets in the way. I also think that so many others have had it worse! Who in the world would want to read about my story? I think though, if I heal enough to become independent with the capability of having healthy relationships, I would definitely want to write about it with the hopes of helping others. For now, I’ll start with a travel blog.

    Thanks again!

    December 23, 2016 at 8:28 pm #123421
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear kayyli:

    Extreme patience is required. About unlearning. You wrote in your original post: “I felt so flawed… guilty…everything I did was wrong.”

    Got to unlearn these things, above.

    Problem is, these things you already learned are beliefs, core beliefs, they are stuck to your brain cells like hair on soap, stuck with the glue of emotion.

    Let’s look at one of these core beliefs, why don’t you choose one (flawed, guilty, wrong doer), and share how has this belief manifested itself in your adult life.

    I will be back to the computer in ten hours or so. Unlearning such is a process, takes time and that extreme patience I mentioned.

    anita

    December 24, 2016 at 7:39 am #123454
    Crisula Christakos
    Participant

    Kayyli,

    Sweetie…I could totally relate to everything you said, and may I say, you expressed yourself brilliantly.

    Please stop questioning yourself as to why you allowed the abuse… you never allowed yourself to be abused; who would do such a thing?
    Kayyli, you were brainwashed to believe you deserved it… Age is not a factor.

    I had a therapist who was upfront and honest with me…
    “There isn’t ANY cure and the pain never really goes away, but it does diminish greatly through a type of self-help therapy called Radical Acceptance–DBT.” It was developed by Dr. Marsha Linehan. Please look her up.. she herself has BPD.

    Radical Acceptance/DBT develops skills to completely and totally ‘accept’ something from the depths of your heart your soul, and by not fighting reality. When you stop questioning and fighting your past, you suffer less.

    It’s difficult at first, but if you keep up the daily coping skills; it gets easier with each passing day.

    It works…

    Crisula

    Diagnosed with C-PTSD and BPD

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