kayyli,

I experienced much milder childhood trauma, and yet it was so damaging to me. I can’t even imagine going through all that you experienced.

The one thing I can really relate to is feeling so alone. I had no one to turn to. No one at all. You’d think that people would notice and help broken children, but they don’t want to get involved. My friend, who went through sexual, physical, and emotional abuse at home, even had relatives directly say to her that they couldn’t get involved. It’s so common and sickening.

I wish that no one would ever have to go through anything like what you went through. I hope that someone on this site or somewhere can help you. You deserve to feel better and not have your entire life destroyed by a monster. Keep working to salvage what you can and carry on.

I’m sorry for not being more helpful. I just wanted to say something, to let you know there is one more person who cares.

Kayyli,

I’m not even kidding you when I say that my situation was almost exactly what you’re talking about. My dad was almost exactly like your mom, and my mom and grandmother was like your dad. They saw the physical and mental/emotional abuse my father put me and my brother through, yet they just turned the other way. That gave me such an inferiority complex, too; clearly I’m less than dirt because my own family doesn’t even care to protect me.

I sometimes have dreams of my dad sexually abusing me, but I’m not really sure that happened. To be honest, I just can’t remember.

The don’t-speak-unless-spoken-to thing resonates, too. When I first moved in with him, my husband would ask me why I’m so quiet and why I always ended every sentence with, “I’m sorry.” I began to wonder, too, and that was the first time in my 18 (almost 19) years of life that I realized I was abused.

I thought about killing myself and my parents multiple times, too. I thought, “God, it would be so much easier if I/they were dead.” My dad was/is also a major alcoholic, and he almost got arrested for it once. I remember sitting in the car, shaking and praying that he would go to jail so that the abuse would stop.

I’m not sure if this helps you at all, but just know you’re not alone. I have CPTSD from my ordeal, too, and I know how hard it is. The important thing to remember is that you are worth it. You’re worth being alive to see yourself getting better. You’re worth putting those people and those memories behind you. I’m so sorry you couldn’t trust the people closest to you, and I know that’s one of the most awful things a person can endure.

Just stay strong and remember that you are in control of your life now, not your family.

Dear kayyli:

You are welcome. Your writing above is powerful.

You wrote: “I get so disappointed and upset when it all comes crashing back down.” and later: ” When it finally clicked that it wasn’t my fault, I felt this joy and relief that I’d never felt in my life. Unfortunately, though, knowing that intellectually is not enough to release 18 years+ of childhood programming…”

The reason that intellectual understanding by itself is not enough to make that moment of relief last is because during the long term abuse, many, many connections between brain cells were made. When we understand something intellectually, this is a few connections made. But these new connections do not undo the many more connections still there. So following the relief, we think (don’t we?): “I got it! I understand now!”

It has been an ongoing disappointment for me that after the I-got-it, I found myself not getting it, again and again. It finally… got it that UNLEARNING what we already learned (being shameful, guilty and more) takes a lot of time, paying attention (Mindfulness), extreme gentleness with ourselves and unbelievable amount of patience with the process.

When it occurred to me for the first time a few years ago: “There is nothing wrong with me”- that was new learning. This new learning could not take hold permanently until the old learning was unlearned. I made a lot of progress unlearning in the last few years.

Please do post anytime.

anita

Kayyli,

Sweetie…I could totally relate to everything you said, and may I say, you expressed yourself brilliantly.

Please stop questioning yourself as to why you allowed the abuse… you never allowed yourself to be abused; who would do such a thing?
Kayyli, you were brainwashed to believe you deserved it… Age is not a factor.

I had a therapist who was upfront and honest with me…
“There isn’t ANY cure and the pain never really goes away, but it does diminish greatly through a type of self-help therapy called Radical Acceptance–DBT.” It was developed by Dr. Marsha Linehan. Please look her up.. she herself has BPD.

Radical Acceptance/DBT develops skills to completely and totally ‘accept’ something from the depths of your heart your soul, and by not fighting reality. When you stop questioning and fighting your past, you suffer less.

It’s difficult at first, but if you keep up the daily coping skills; it gets easier with each passing day.

It works…

Crisula

Diagnosed with C-PTSD and BPD

• This reply was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by Crisula Christakos.
• This reply was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by Crisula Christakos.