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Coping with Fear about One's "Path"

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  • October 23, 2014 at 10:09 am #66685
    bill
    Participant

    One thing I notice about sites like Tiny Buddha is that is is a lot of people in their 20s or 30s. I am 59 and I am still reading sites like this so I am not always sure if the advice is relevant to me. I do know that as you get older, you have to deal with your possibilities being a little less and your time being less. But the issues are the same.

    I can be practical and cope and go out and get a job to pay the bills when I have to but it can be really hard when inner issues are bothering you and some of these have to do with the ongoing task of choosing our lives and then living with the choices we have made.

    In general, I really suffer from regret for many things both those done and those not done. I have also had an ongoing problem of deep anxiety in making life decisions about where to live and work and who to date. Thank God I find it easy to pick which shirt to wear or which sandwich to order.

    I guess I do have a loose ideal of the life I want to achieve and I strive for it with some past success. But I am afraid that I failed to make a long term commitment to a mate – partially out of this ongoing fear plus other life factors – and now I am too old to have kids and all the things I wanted to do as a member of a family.

    I still feel really bad when I feel like I could get stuck in the wrong job or career and never do what I wanted to do in life. But at least some of this is just this queezy feeling that maybe I am not making the right choice or something.

    Intellectually I know there are no “right” choices but emotionally I still suffer. I suffer now a lot of regret about things I have done in the past and I just cannot stop it. We have an ideal of life in our heads that – while it may evolve – we cannot easily let go of it.

    How I have wished I could just get on a life path that was fulfilling of my values without having to go through these feelings but it never seems to happen. Real life is never like this for me. I am getting old and the perfect life is never coming (and really I don’t even care about perfect things). I do not have a “perfect” mate ideal at all but just a fear of deciding.

    I wish I could be free of this pain but I cannot honestly say that I still do not long for the fulfillment of my ideal life even now.

    I am wondering if I can stop these ways of thinking by myself or if I am going to need help to do it.

    October 23, 2014 at 1:51 pm #66695
    pandapeach
    Participant

    There’s no such thing as an ideal life. You may have been equally if not more unhappy in your so called life. Who knows what additional stresses and strains you’d have to bear. Maybe instead of focusing on what could have been, can you work on this fear you talk about instead? Meditation is a really useful tool to keep yourself grounded in the present and let go of the past. It also does alot in reducing anxiety. Although it is challenging. I’m sorry to hear about your frustration, but the fact you’re feeling the pain is a sign that you are acknowledging it and maybe with time it can influence a better change in your life.

    October 23, 2014 at 4:02 pm #66707
    Steve
    Participant

    Hi Bill,

    I’m 60 years old, so I can relate to your fears. I’ve had them in the past but, through personal change, I no longer do.
    As simple as it sounds, it’s just a matter of changing your mindset…and it can be done.
    Now I have the problem of having absolutely NO regrets…and it really annoys my friends and family.”But, you have so much to be regretful about”…were the words of my wife.
    The first thing I can say to you is that there is no RIGHT path…only THE path. The Universe decides that for us. You’ll drive yourself batty trying to navigate yourself towards some imagined foolproof, approved, worthwhile and correct path. It doesn’t exist and many people suffer stress, anxiety and depression trying to find it. So, once you accept that you are already on THE path, sit back and enjoy the ride that it offers.
    With regards to regrets, I would challenge you to consider the reasons that you initially made those regretful decisions. I think you’ll find that they were all made with the best of intentions, based on the knowledge you had at hand and considered in line with your level of wisdom…at the time. Yes, looking back now, having the advantage of 20-20 hindsight, and having the advantage of knowing the outcome of all those decisions…it’s easy to critique those decisions negatively. Easy, but illogical.
    So, there’s some food for thought from an old timer.

    October 23, 2014 at 5:50 pm #66710
    bill
    Participant

    I feel strongly that these things matter:

    1. Well being – we seek a modicum of well being with most days if possible. This is internal.
    2. Meaning/purpose – we seek to be part of something bigger – to create and contribute.
    3. We seek affiliation – friendship and love.

    I try to keep focused on these. I can control these. I cannot control the details of anything. I could affect nothing much or be spectacularly effective in the big world – but if it’s bad to make yourself miserable to do this (Jesus as possible exception). The point is I cannot control the outcomes of my choices and actions. I cannot undo my choices and actions. I cannot know the right things to do for certain. But I can strive for 1,2 & 3.

    October 23, 2014 at 6:28 pm #66711
    Steve
    Participant

    Bill,

    The ONLY thing we can control is our attitude to life’s events. Everything else is out of our control and you’ll do yourself an injury trying to fiddle with that.
    So, in it’s simplest form…if you DECIDED to be happy with everything that happens to you and around you, it would be impossible to be sad, anxious or depressed.That’s just logic.
    Unfortunately, we are human beings and we aren’t strong enough to make that decision. But, the more we move towards that state, the less stress we bring upon ourselves.
    It’s called unconditional self-acceptance and unconditional other acceptance…and it’s what I strive for…sometimes successfully.
    Let’s look at your 3 points:

    1. Well Being…or could I call it happiness? My understanding of happiness is that it is a state of being which occurs when you are working towards a goal…either your own, or someone else’s. So that’s what I do, set goals and work towards them. It’s not important to me whether I achieve them or not, as I am often side tracked or detoured onto other activities…but the setting of the goal sets the wheels of life in motion.
    2. Meaning/Purpose. Certainly important. For me, our purpose is to continue to learn and to continue to teach. We do this by automatically interacting with other people. That’s our role and as long as we continue to do it…job’s done! I’m learning and developing by interacting with you and I hope my thoughts are, at least, activating some questions and learnings in your mind.
    3. Love. A biggy. Yes, it’s certainly in our nature to seek love, however, that doesn’t mean we will all be successful with that goal. Once again, that’s life. But the thrill is in the trying…and we won’t die if we don’t attain it.

    So, I say, stop trying to control external things and enjoy and accept them for what they are…learning and growing opportunities. Some will be yummy, some will be bitter…but we’re going to get them anyway.

    October 23, 2014 at 6:57 pm #66712
    Kline
    Participant

    Hi Bill, It is nice to hear you write. It is somehow comforting to know that people older than me struggle. This knowledge gets me away from the idea that I have to have everything worked out at some point in time. (I am in my 30s) Somehow, it easier to accept that I perhaps never will, at least not perfectly. But we can keep trying. I too worry about my path in life. I am not sure if I should stay where I am, or if i should leave, and I think about this question a lot. I have tried to divide my thoughts into two types, when trying to answer life path decisions: worrying and dreaming. If I notice I am worrying (and I don’t always, because I am so caught up in the worry), I try to attend to what is right in front of me. For dreaming, I set aside some particular times, e.g. 30 minutes in the evening, and try to dream about or visualize possibilities.

    October 23, 2014 at 8:40 pm #66716
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    Thanks everyone.

    Thanks Steve. Exactly what I would say to Bill 🙂

    Bill, Accept whatever life hands you with a smile and blind faith in your self. I guarantee you that you won’t have any further regrets. It is when we run after things with endless logic (or intellect) that life gets very complicated and painful.

    Try and do some selfless service to bring more clarity in life such as – feeding the homeless kids or adults, providing clothes for those who don’t have any, watering the plants and serving the deserted animals, looking after elderly people, offering smiles to every individual you meet, helping someone cross a road, helping someone in need with no expectations in return etc.

    Positive energy coming your way matey. You deserve all the calm and peace that you heart desires and your happiness may actually lie in helping people or animals / nature with no expectations in return (esp those who are missing out on basic survival needs). 🙂

    Jasmine

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