Confus3d,

I know that romantic feelings can seem like a really big thing, especially when we’re young, but they really are just another thing. If he was doing something that was annoying you, talking to him about it would be a simple way of resolving it. For instance, if he left the toilet seat up, and every time you saw that it was agitating, wouldn’t it be easy to ask him to put it down?

However, when it comes to romantic feelings, there is more vulnerability involved. If you were to have a conversation with him, asking for clarity on what his side looks like, you might feel rejected. You might even lose a friend. Those are scary, especially since he takes care of you in those ways. Perhaps the mature thing to do would be to talk to him about your feelings, ask him for his, and then go from there. If he doesn’t feel the same, at least you’ll know, and he’ll know. It may help with interpreting his actions.

If you are to shy or afraid to do that, perhaps you could learn what he is doing that produces that feeling of being nurtured in you, and start doing it for yourself. Said differently, his loving actions are nourishing you in a way that you need. However, the only reason you have that need is because you’re not caring for yourself. So perhaps you’re learning what being nice to your body and mind looks like, so you can take over for him and become self caring.

With warmth,
Matt

Confused,

I could relate to some of the things you described. I second Matt’s suggestions of taking notes of what he does that makes you feel good and starting to do them for yourself. In life, there are no guarantees that the people who love you will always be that perceptive, and even if they are it’s not their job to do that for you. For me, I try to do everything possible to take care of myself physically, mentally and emotionally. Whatever my lovers, friends and family give me is icing on the cake, but I don’t feel like I’m sad or disappointed if they don’t do those things or don’t have time for them. Whenever I wait for someone to give me something or do things for me to make me happy, I find it doesn’t work. If I do it for myself, then it’s guaranteed.

From my experience, coming from dysfunction, it was very easy for me to feel hurt when my family wasn’t perceptive and/or giving. Eventually I got used to be ignored or repeating myself. As I entered more relationships, I found myself getting overly attached to anyone who showed me kindness like what you described. It’s wasn’t healthy how much power I gave that person over my well being, and it neediness usually doesn’t come across as attractive. Just some thoughts to consider. I don’t know how much of my experience resonates with you, but it sounded familiar to me. It also concerns me that you feel like you can’t live without him. Just think, you were okay before him, and you will be okay after him. No one on this earth is here to take care of you, except you. Try to pamper yourself like a princess and make it so no one could possibly take care of you better than you already do.

Concerning your friendship, personally I would practice taking care of yourself first. I like having difficult conversations when I’m feeling peaceful inside and centered. Search for things that make you feel like that. If you decide you still want to have a conversation, I find that telling the person all the reasons why I’m afraid to have a conversation and then say “but I want to be honest with you” or “I want to clear the air.” For example, tell him that you aren’t sure how to say it, but that you need to be vulnerable about something. You could also mention that you are afraid of being honest because you don’t want your friendship to change or for things to be awkward, but that you want to clear the air.

Best of luck ! Keep us posted!

Confused,
HOly moly you are really into this guy! Your entire message is all about him. Look, I don’t know you or all the ins and outs of your situation, but what I can tell you is that when you focus on the right things, everything else will fall into place. You sound a bit obsessed and I know when I’ve been like that, I’m usually creating some kind of unhelathy dynamic. Trust me, there is not a person out there who can have that much power over you without letting you down or disappointing you. The solution is spiritual and the problem is rarely what you think it is.

Concerning talking to him, it’s really hard to tell what’s going on in someone else’s head and talking to him is the only way you will know for sure. Find your center first and get a sense of inner peace. See if you can sense what feels like a wise and necessary decision. For me, it’s hard to make wise decisions if I’m not calm and centered. Your inner wisdom will be so much more on target than internet strangers could tell you, even caring and spiritual internet strangers. In my experience, if you are with the wrong person, no amount of hoop jumping can impress them and when I’m with the right person, there is nothing so bad that they won’t accept you.

Bon Courage!

I just registered myself here now, so that I could write to you. I see myself in you, in fact you are ‘me’ just a year ago.
I too had a very strict… to an extent very unfair upbringing where i was not allowed to mingle with friends etc. I was good in studies and did everything to please my parents.
Never considered my happiness, always did what others thought was right for me. I an a Comp Sci graduate. Soon after degree, parents got me married… i never liked the person I was getting married to, he is too self centered… but parents thought he was ‘suitable’ and even though I voiced my concern a few times, I dint question and got married.

It has been a terribly unhappy marriage for the last 9 years. I am over sensitive and he plays that and loves humiliating me in front of his family and they enjoy that. I have a daughter who is 5.

Now last year I had enough and I decided to change my life. I recognized my fear, low self esteem and over sensitivity is to be blamed. I cant blame my parents, I cant change the past. But i can change my future. I wanted to get out of this marraige… parents did not support and I am not financially independent yet and also he my husband is a good father… taking these things to account, I have decided to stay. For now. All my life i did what made my parents happy and now I feel so let down by everyone around me. Thats what happens when you give so much power over you to someone else. Now I have decided to live for myself. Do what I wish. Dont care what people say, dont get upset when someone criticizes you, because you are always alone with your problems, No one can help you if you are unhappy, so why bother about what others think?. Learn to be self sufficient. Once you let go and stop worrying what people think or talk about you, and stop trying to please others, just see how powerful you feel and that is an amazing feeling. Whats the worse that can happen? you are educated, you dont need to cling to anyone, learn to be self sufficient and only then you can have successful relationships. So my advice is , please dont make the same mistakes I did. Any negative feelings or anything that makes you uncomfortable, stop such thoughts right in your head. Take control of yourself. If he doesn’t respond the way you do, so what? it will pass. learn to be there for your self first only then you will be respected. And never let anyone else take charge of your happiness. This may seem very hard now, but believe me it can be achieved. Also take a look at the following links,

http://www.berzinarchives.com/web/x/nav/group.html_1498983019.html

http://www.berzinarchives.com/web/x/nav/group.html_739864309.html

Confus3d,

I am a single woman and have been in your position before. Sometimes I obsess over someone I’m interested in, and I realize that it can be unhealthy, but thankfully as I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned a few strategies to deal with these situations.

1) First of all, you should not feel ashamed of developing feelings for your roommate. We are human beings, and we biologically seek compassion and love. It is often natural to develop feelings for someone in your situation because your roommate sees you in the every day – at your best, and at your worst – so he probably knows you very well. This is something natural – to be attracted to someone who can sense your ins and outs and doesn’t judge you for them, who has compassion and empathy for you even in your worst moments. Isn’t that what we all strive for in relationships? Someone who loves us and accepts us exactly as we are?

I suspect part of your worry about this situation is the guilt and shame you feel about being attracted to him, but you should feel no guilt or shame. Despite your lack of experience with men, you are a woman! You are allowed to develop romantic, sexual feelings for men! Don’t feel ashamed!

2) Try not to hide from these feelings of attraction and instead embrace them within yourself as you would like them to be embraced if you uttered them out loud to him. Despite your lack of experience, try to imagine what it would be like if a different man that you cared for very much revealed romantic feelings for you to YOU. How would YOU react if someone told you this? If it was someone that you generally had a good relationship with, even if you did not share those feelings, you likely might react with compassion, and quite frankly be flattered by such a revelation. It always feels good to be told by someone that they have affection for you – if you respect the place where it is coming from, it is a deeply flattering sentiment, and most people in caring friendships will react with appropriate care. From what you say about the way your roommate treats you , your roommate sounds like he has deep compassion for you — trust in that compassion because it is real. Trust that even if you reveal your feelings for him and he does not return them, he will not hate you or feel awkward around you. You are not a horrible person for having feelings, like every other human being on this planet.

3) Consider telling your roommate how you feel, and think about how you will accept the consequences of doing so. I have found that sometimes when I start thinking a lot about someone, it is better to just tell them, because thinking a lot about the person and not doing anything about it only breeds more unhappiness. But be realistic with yourself. Think about how you will move on from the situation if he doesn’t return your feelings. If you think it could harm your living situation, think very carefully and realistically about how you would manage that? It’s important to stay based in reality – obsessiveness sometimes allows you to get carried away in fantasy, and away from the realities of a situation. If you look at it very honestly, and come to a place of understanding that he might not return your feelings, that might prevent you from getting carried away in obsessive fantasy. But do consider telling him your feelings, because once you say it out loud, you might just discover that it isn’t as big a deal as you worry about, and that once you release that feeling into the open, the obsessiveness often goes away.

4) If you do decide to tell him, do it with a sense of humor! Don’t think of it as a life or death situation, because it is not! Be able to laugh at yourself, and your feelings! Often times, if I decide to tell someone I like them and I’m worried about how it will be taken, I make sure to make them aware of how embarrassed and silly I feel about what I’m about to tell him (not that it is embarrassing or silly – but admitting that I am embarrassed allows me to be honest and laugh at myself). I’ll say something like – “I have something really silly that I need to admit to you,” or “You know, we have a really great relationship, and I value that and wouldn’t want to harm it, but…..”. Always let them know how much you value the relationship you already have with them, and that you are concerned about maintaining positivity no matter what happens. I think this gives people a safe space to be honest with you back, without feeling the pressure of being obligated to say yes or make you feel better if they don’t share your feelings.

And even if they don’t return them, again, just try to laugh at it, and don’t judge yourself so much. Everybody falls in love, everybody says silly things when they have feelings – it’s OK!

5) You might consider telling your roommate how you feel as a practice for getting comfortable telling other men how you feel in general. Even if it isn’t meant to be with your roommate, I’ve found that just by trying with different people, even when it doesn’t work out with that person, makes me feel immensely more comfortable with admitting and not being ashamed of my feelings in general with other people. You become more confident the more you share your real self with people, so look at it as practice – the more comfortable you are admitting your feelings now, the more comfortable you will be when the right person comes along.

Sorry this is so long! I hope this helps! And remember – don’t be scared! Don’t be ashamed of your feelings, and don’t let other people make you feel ashamed of them 😉

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