I am really sorry you had to go through this, anita and thank you for sharing it with me! I have also started to let some of the guilt go, at least about the smaller things, but I still have a looong lonnng way to go. There is a conflict between what I have been raised to be believe is the “right thing” as a “good daughter” and what is necessary for my own happiness which is acting as a road block right now, I think.
Tbh, I don’t think he ever saw how he behaved as abuse. When he was manic, he became cruel and enjoyed hurting us. When he recovered he wouldn’t remember the episode or his behavior during it. In his own way he does love me. He doesn’t generally leave the house anymore, but will do so if I need something. I am also an only child, so maybe that also contributed to being overcautious.
I agree with you, and (thank god!) have always been drawn to laid back people. I also think I have a long way to go before I am ready for a relationship, in terms of being able to state (or even recognize and acknowledge) my needs. I am scared of repeating my behavior as a child: so desperate for approval that I overlook the other persons behavior completely, placing all the burden of the relationship on my own shoulders ( I do this in friendships too) in a relationship so I have a very strong negative reaction to the thought of a relationship. The only people I was able to consider without panicking there were insurmountable roadblocks that I knew about, so subconsciously I knew it wouldn’t be possible. In terms of friends, this year I have met some wonderful people who have made similar journeys and let go of their guilt so I am hoping to learn from them (and from all of the lovely people here, I have been lurking for a while on the forums)