Hi M,

I am so sorry you are feeling this pain and even more sorry that you feel like you are going through it alone. But I am here to tell you that you are NOT going through it alone. There are people like me who are dealing with the same thing. I recently got out of an engagement. I tell everyone it was a mutual decision but in reality, he left me. It has destoryed me and slowly I am being forced to pick up the pieces of my heart and move on. It’s terrifying and isolating, but liberating at the same time. You were not happy in your relationship and neither was I. And yes, our hearts are broken and we feel lost and scared, but we have an amazing opportunity. We can sieze this opportunity and find ourselves. I too have a mountain of regret. We treated each other horribly. I did crazy and irrational things. I lay awake at night replaying every fight and everytime I was irrationally angry, and it kills me. I think to myself “if only I did this, or reacted this way, or realized this earlier.” But we can’t do that to ourselves M. We need to be gentle and patient and give ourselves time to heal. Give yourself an opportunity to feel that pain and hurt. Acknowledge it for what it is, and when you are ready, move through it. It’s easier said than done, I know this first hand. But you CAN do it. I am! I have found an incredible strength in letting myself be weak. You are not alone. Reach out and ask for help. You can do this. WE can do thia!

Hi M,

When ever you have a thought about him please take it and say Oh there is a thought about him – I’ll put that in a blue recycling box to be put out to the curb once a week. It’s ok to have the thought, you just don’t own it anymore.

Now could you tell us one activity that you have been thinking of doing in the community? Something where you’ll engage with people. Not like the grocery store, something like a class that you might take, or a place you want to help by volunteering. Can you contact them tomorrow and say you are thinking of joining up to try it? Go ahead and try it. If you don’t like it, that is ok, let them know it is not working for you, thank them and wish them well. If you find it works for you, stick with it for a month, give it a month. Then see what you think. While you are there ask questions and learn about other folks. Share something with them that you are proud of. You are a good writer – you can talk about how writing makes you feel good. If you are a great cook, then by all means ask what people had for dinner. Talk recipes and what you like to make. Ask what people are planning for summer vacation. Get some ideas and plan a small one for yourself, even if it’s kinda local or regional like a staycation. In the course of these conversations, when you think of him, think Ok there I am thinking of him and put that thought in the blue box. Resist the temptation to talk with people about that old bad experience, rather use the time to learn about them and their lives. Save talking about him for your counselor. As you talk with others you will bit by bit start to find small common bonds with them. Then as time goes by you will become more and more comfortable putting old thoughts away and focusing on these new, more fun thoughts and actions. After a time you will find yourself feeling more confident about talking with people and sharing positive things about you. You will be enjoying the experience of being you. Yes you will stumble sometimes. That is ok, so the bowling ball goes in the gutter sometimes. Don’t apologize a lot everyone throws gutter balls. Here it comes again for another shot.

You will find your own story, your unique voice, what you enjoy and what brings you out again to see people. Like anyone else, you will have doubts and even fears, try new activities and discussions. It takes time. Enjoy this time. It’s your time.

Big blue

Hello M,

It’s easy to forget about loving ourselves when we are with people who are abusive and self-centered. It happens to many of us. We put ourselves last, don’t know what is important to us because we have been so focused on someone else and meeting their needs. For me, taking the time to understand that I couldn’t change the past, but I could let it go and learn from it really helped. I began by trying different things, finding out what I liked to do and what helped me feel good. I learned what I loved to do – flower arranging, making jewelery, writing and exploring my spirituality and getting to know my real self. I hope you can decide to do the same – to focus on yourself. I believe you are a strong and loving person. I know you can accept that everyone makes mistakes, everyone tries and things don’t always work out. It’s all for a reason – to help you find who you really are.

Love and peace,
Marilyn