Dear faber castell:

Welcome back!

Reads to me that this man suffers from significant anxiety and overthinking. He overthinks himself into paralysis/ inaction. Being in his presence/communicating with him increased your own anxiety; his anxiety stirred your anxiety.

I say, what you need is a less anxious man who thinks less, whose thinking is simpler and clearer, who communicates to you clearly, honestly and consistently so, that way you will not be clueless at five am, wondering who-is-this-man, what-does-he-want and what-in-the-world-is-happening here?

anita

Dear faber castell:

“I do need someone whose thinking is simpler and clearer. I guess complexity just is so much more appealing in many levels”-

– when I recommend simplicity, as in simple and clear communicating in the context of dating- I don’t mean that you should better have a relationship with an unintelligent man. I mean that you should have a relationship with an emotionally healthier man who is not terribly confused and conflicted. There is nothing attractive about confusion and conflict, these are maladies, not something attractive, is it?

You asked, paraphrased, if I understand correctly: how do you tell the difference between having a valid concern regarding a man and an invalid concern, one born out of your insecurity-

-my answer: ask the man questions so to figure it out. Ask simple questions (not unintelligent, but short and clear, so it is not difficult to answer those, if one is honest and not too confused). Ask open ended questions in a casual tone, so the person is more likely to feel comfortable considering the question, not pressured or expected to answer in a particular way. And of course, not too many questions at any one time, so it doesn’t appear like an interrogating- one question at a time.

If you have examples of how you already asked and were still  confused, or if you will come up with an example during a future online/ in-person dating situation, let me know and I will respond to the particular example.

anita