Thank you.

I am living at home with my parents because I had to quit my job in London.

I’ve been told I have a high capacity for feeling these feelings. I also have had a very strong ego.

I know because I see it in my father that I need to be open to getting help with how I work. This is an important step for me to feel like I can move out and get on with my own life. Also, the ability to be confident in what I want from people (friends etc). I have low self-esteem and I want to increase this so I can feel comfortable asking for help and dropping my ego.

Best wishes

Ben

Hey

My therapist said I have a good awareness for feelings. I am very aware of what I am feeling in the moment and that I feel them more intensly than others.

In regards to a strong ego I in the past was a very strong minded individual who was  closed minded and incredibly judgemental, still am to a degree. If you know a man called Piers Morgan, imagine an 18 year old version of him times 10 essentially.

The work I’m referring to is my current job, it’s very difficult I feel for me to ask for help with work because it is embarrasing and makes me feel weak.

I also want to make aware that I had a session with my therapist last night and I had a very interesting experience where we spoke very little and I just felt. The feelings were of laughter at the realisation of my insanity, then the feeling of sadness of how that insanity makes me miserable. Then the feeling of fear of what appeared to be a fear of reality, coming out of my mind.

VJ – I have really taken on what you’ve advised. I will come back to your comment soon.

Best wishes

Ben

Yea are you saying that you think I’m avoiding the feeling of hatred/anger for my parents? I will be with that thought, suspect you’re right. My therapist also wondered whether I have been the scapegoat in my family, I feel this may be the case.

Best wishes

Ben

A lot has happened recently. My therapist lied to me when I was on the brink of suicide. He lied saying he did care about me. I know he doesn’t, I forgive him for lying.

Surely, there’s a simpler route to well-being and happiness. My dysfunctional behaviour comes from feeling unloved and therefore I don’t wish to confront my own issues as I don’t care.

I guess if I surrounded myself with caring, compassionate people I wouldn’t have this issue.

Where do these people live? Would they welcome me?

Best wishes

Ben

I am the emotional scapegoat for my parents relationship. They take their problems out on me. I don’t need to explain it, I forgive them for it.

Haha yes. It’s weird I almost no longer crave the truth, it’s actually easy to find when you can see what’s hiding it.

I also feel I don’t deserve to be unhappy, I had a “good” upbringing (surface level), like I don’t have a right to be unhappy and there is stigma in the UK.

why can’t I heal myself – the motivation to get better doesn’t come from me, it comes from a chronic desire to see others happier. That doesn’t make me happy. It sounds like I can’t forgive myself for something. How do I love me?

Thanks Anita

I want to take some time out of my life, like a period of being unemployed as the working environment has been antagonising the problem. It looks like I’m entitled to certain benefits and can focus on my mental health so keeping fit, eating well, doing some part-time and being close to my family and friends.

I don’t want to be running away from my problems but it feels like working 40 hours a week in a toxic office environment isn’t a safe place to be going through emotional understanding. Does anyone have any thoughts?

Ben