Phool,

I’m sorry for the difficulty that you’ve been having, it sounds like a big mess of thoughts and emotions all swirling around. When we are in pain, it is normal to act in such a way… but I must agree that you’ve been acting like a fool.

Why is forgiveness so difficult for you? Consider that all of us make mistakes, and she has made some for sure. So have you. You can see her issues with boundaries, self-esteem, and being honest. Was she right to be afraid of admitting to you that she had erred? Is your love so weak that it closes down in the presence of some moments of weakness?

What I see is you have two real options. One is you accept her as she is, which includes a certain amount of baggage from being abused in the past. If she is worth accepting that, then you have some apologizing to do. Trust is about there being enough space in the relationship that being honest is OK. You closed that space by insisting and demanding, spying and accusing. It is not appropriate to demand others’ honesty.

Instead, what we can do is tell them our feelings, how important honesty is to a lasting intimacy, and offer them a chance to join us in togetherness. Said differently, if I were her I would not feel safe being honest with you, because you batter her with your insistence and spying (which is manipulative deception). You insisted for weeks that she be honest with you, and then dropped her like a stone when she finally tried to come clean? And you think SHE is the one that betrayed the intimacy?

I do not wish to be inconsiderate to you, its just that you seem to be teetering on the edge of being abusive, and I am hoping that you can see the way your unsettled emotions have lead you to forcing that which should not be forced.

The other option is to throw in the towel. If you can not accept her as she is, then perhaps it is best to move on. That being said, if she wants to get help for her esteem issues that lead to kissing, because she sees how that harmed the relationship, then it is reasonable to help her. It is even perfectly just for you to say that the only way you’d feel able to commit to her is if she gets help. It is just not OK for you to insist that she change to be good enough for you. Plenty of people out there accept people as they are, and would be far more understanding than you have been. Its true that her actions erode intimacy, but the severing of it is something you did… your betrayal.

If you can surrender all of that muck flying through your mind and heart, and set it down, perhaps you can see what is really there. She was or is confused and acted unskillfully. You felt pain and acted unskillfully. You two are the same, mirrors for each other. That is either something you can accept or not.

With warmth,
Matt

P,

Yes! Finally you are asking questions which might help you, even though they are phrased as though she has the key to your peace. Consider it is possible to find peace in the truth of what has happened. You already see it, it just doesn’t feel like enough because your pain continues to make it all about you. So, its time to flex that big heart of yours!

The truth is you have your view of the events, and also what she has been comfortable telling you. When you see a liar, that is from your side, projecting a permanent quality where there is none. She is not “a liar”… rather, when she is scared she tries to find the least painful path, which might include lying. It is conditional based on trust. You pushed and pushed, and instead of hiding like she wanted to, she seems to have felt backed into a corner. We really don’t know what it was like on her side, and you have been so caught up on yours that you haven’t been looking at her.

Perhaps when you imagine her with that other man you can only see her actions. How could she kiss him!?! There was a lot more going on than that, and unless she really just doesn’t love you, there was certainly shame, confusion, mindlessness (alcohol), loneliness and who knows what else. There was your love, scared and alone with pressures inside and outside, pushing her around. It was certainly disorienting and full of suffering. If she had fallen off a bus and broken her foot, would you also make it about you? She told you she was shoved and couldn’t find the will to resist, and yet when she fell out of tune with your intimacy, instead of letting her fall into your arms for comfort, you made it about you and labelled her as a “betrayer”.

So, how big is that heart really? Bigger than your mind? Can you reach out to her in that vision in your head and love the woman who fell? Are your lips so demanding that they cannot forgive hers? I believe in you, and in love.

Now, that being said, it may be that she is actually prone to misstepping like that, which will make it very hard for her to maintain intimacy with a partner. She maybe callous and uncaring to the phool. I don’t know, she’s not posting on tinybuddha. The view I describe is to help free your mind, rather than figure out her side. That is up to you to invite her to talk to you about what she wants, sees, thinks and feels.

Because there is such a high amount of chaos in your mind and emotions, it may help to have a cathartic release. When you are feeling the pressure inside, scream into a pillow, jiggle your body, jump up and down, flail around like a phool. You’d be surprised at how much help is to be found in just getting the energy moving again.

If you keep finding your mind is getting pulled back into suffering and spinning, then perhaps metta practice will help. It is great at helping settle agitation. Search YouTube for “Jayasaro metta” if you’re interested.

For powerful emotions, sitting meditation may help. Ajahn Jayasaro has a great counting breath meditation technique on YouTube, or you could pick up a copy of Zen Mind, Beginners Mind by Shunryu Suzuki. Or, if you’re inclined you could visit a local Buddhist center and see about some instruction. I promise there is something magical about being with someone who sees deep into your dysfunction and is peacefully compassionate and accepting… plus a teacher can check your posture and so forth. Its worth the effort!

With warmth,
Matt