Maya, have you told your therapist that you feel you have much anxiety and intrusive thoughts? It is possible that treatment in these two areas can help you move forward to a clearer thinking. Anita wrote about emotional regulation skills and this is another great thing to have your therapist help you with. There is much paradoxical thinking in your feelings about the relationship with this man. I suspect this confuses you. You may want him being more in contact because it helps you self soothe, have less anxiety, and allow you to relax which limits the intrusive thoughts. The converse is also true, no contact and the break up trigger your anxiety, ruminations and intrusive thoughts, and it can become heard to emotionally regulate. Sometimes, it is how our brains work that needs more help.