Dear Maya:

“I hadn’t felt like my needs were being met in the relationship- I wanted more communication and reassurance from him.. he can’t get to the point of emotional intimacy with me”

– the words and terms I italicized are vague/ general, they could mean different things for different people, so I don’t know what to respond to. If you want to, please clarify these terms, and give examples wherever possible.

anita

I see, after that information, it is evident he is not invested in the relationship. Men make time for people they want. No one is too busy for a quick text, you were not a priority I’m afraid. You will not get your needs met by this person unless he chooses to make you a priority and give you his full attention – something which he may not be capable of without growth or he just didn’t feel a strong enough desire to do so for you. Do not take this too personally, you tried to make things work but never lose yourself over another man. Only invest in a relationship where your needs are being met too, you’ve done the right thing to walk away. If you stayed it would exacerbate your anxiety and make you feel worse.

Ahh doll, he was probably using the push/pull technique on your heartstrings. Immature or underdeveloped men play mind games. I’ve done it myself, you are not to blame, by its very nature these games lead to the woman falling hard without even realising. You see us men usually really do want true love, and down deep we crave companionship and know we would be happier more content and more sexually satisfied if we had a stable, good relationship. The bad news is we are also scared and tend to push real intimacy or commitment away. The root cause of this behaviour is we are full of FEAR and DOUBT.

Men can vary a great deal in just how stuck they are. But the vital question to ask is, “Is he willing to grow? That is, work his way out of his own self-sabotaging pattern?” If a guy is a good person who is attracted to you, self-reflective, working on his issues, and crazy about you, he is a keeper. Once again, no man is perfect. Of course, neither are you. So ask yourself: How much does this man want to have love, that is, love with you in his life? What is he willing to do or change to have that special, lasting experience?” These questions will tell you if it is worth fighting for or moving on.

If he is saying move along after your effort, take his word and leave him. If he has any sense he will do the work and fight. If he doesn’t he has proven to be incapable of change for you. During this time focus on yourself and finding happiness within, you will naturally come out the winner and may no longer want a fixer-upper.

Below are the variants of types of men who push-pull, I’ve copied and pasted to explain to you about their behaviour;

Five deadly dating patterns

1. The savior

He is a super-duper caretaker, a Mr. Fix-It who tries to be romantic too. Your happiness is his happiness. And he doesn’t have much happiness of his own. Underneath it all he is insecure and feels not good enough — so he seems clingy and smothering

Degree of difficulty: 4

If you are firm and he realizes he has to find his own happiness and stand up for himself or lose you, he will step up. Over time he could evolve into a great partner

2. The coward

He is afraid of honest straight talk and very afraid of conflict. If differences come up he pulls away and prefers to communicate by e-mail or texts

Degree of difficulty: 4

Many men have some degree of this pattern. You can breakthrough by using positive talk, where you present your concerns in a loving, warm, and clear way. Once you develop a way to navigate conflict, “the coward” can grow into a wonderful Mr. Right

3.The super romantic flame-out

He is totally on your wavelength and crazy about you from the very first e-mail or glance at your photo. Chances are he is a serial monogamist who has brief periods of being in mad, passionate love with you, then the next, and the next one, following the path of chemistry, wherever it may lead

Degree of difficulty: 8
Take it slow and easy to make him prove himself. If he doesn’t, be ready to bail.

4. The grass-is-greener type

He has a hard time making up his mind, like he is never sure that the job he has is really the best one for him. Online dating has made this pattern very common. Because there is such a smorgasbord of women, men with this inclination are constantly looking to see whether they can do better

Degree of difficulty: 8
If he is very true to type, he will be mortally terrified of “settling” — as in, settling down with you. It is usually best to move on before he does

5. The slacker

He has grand dreams and plans that have been just over the horizon for years. He may be cute and engaging as he passionately describes all that he is going to do. But this is the guy who consistently shoots himself in the foot so that he misses the finish line. He didn’t finish anything — not his degree, his new Web site, his new book, project or the very deal that will get him ahead

Degree of difficulty: 8
Unless he has started to seriously engage in therapy or coaching, you will not be able to rescue this guy. No, not even you

• This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by Tim.

Dear Maya:

You shared that this time in your life, following the breakup with your boyfriend,  is “a weird, confusing time”, and the loss of the relationship has been “such a confusing, insurmountable loss”, “I just feel very confused”, you wrote.

And indeed, your confusion shows:

1. “It’s both our faults and not at the same time”- this is a confusing sentence, the first part says that both of you were at fault for the failure of the relationship, and the second part says the first part is untrue.

2. He told you that he “didn’t have any (needs). That he was completely self-sufficient and reliant upon himself”, and he told you that “he feels broken”. Unless he broke after he told you that he is as complete as he said he was, then this is a contradiction.

3. On one hand, he invited you to talk to him but you couldn’t: “he always told me if I needed to talk, to just talk to him, but I never did that while we were in the relationship due to fear of being too needy or too much”; on the other hand, you wanted to talk to him but he didn’t want you to talk to him: “couldn’t get in contact with him for days or hours”, “He would seldom respond to my texts.. I often felt discouraged to reach out though.. since he would never respond”.

4. On one hand he was “emotionally unavailable” and would never respond to your messages for days;  on the other hand, he “was trying his best”, and when you lost him, you “lost such a huge support system”.

You wrote: “These past few weeks, I’ve barely eaten, I stayed inside, I drank a lil too much, I was in and out of sleep”-  your confusion is partly a product of a poor sleep, diet and alcohol.

Seems to me that you fell very much in love with this man, and you were very afraid to lose him, very anxious, not wanting to say the wrong thing in fear of losing him. Finally, the anxiety overwhelmed you and you blew up at him: “But the way I finally communicated to him my feelings and vulnerabilities was a huge anxious blow up.. and of course that overwhelmed and pushed him away”.

Following the blow up and break up, you called and messaging him so often that he couldn’t and/ or wouldn’t answer so many messages and calls: “now, when I feel I need to talk, I talk. I reach out at the most inopportune time. I am entitled to him”, “I need to give him space and time. I feel manipulative”.

You wrote that he had “a lot of fantasies” about marrying you, buying a house with you and retiring with you. I am guessing he was in love with you too.

Am I understanding your situation correctly?

anita

Dear Maya:

You mentioned that you attend therapy- any progress there at all, regarding increasing your clarity?

For the purpose of decreasing your confusion and increasing your clarity, let’s look at the first contradictory statement you made: “It’s both our faults and not at the same time”-

– there are four options regarding the fault for the failure of the relationship: (1) his fault (2) your fault (3) his and your fault (4) not his fault and not your fault.

Which one is it (elaborate if you want to)?

anita

Dear Maya:

This is how I understand your second paragraph: you and your former boyfriend suffered trauma separately, before you met. When you met and became involved with each other, your individual traumas expressed themselves in behaviors that destroyed the relationship.

This means that the two of you contributed to the failure of the relationship. It is possible for two traumatized individuals to have a good, healthy, win-win relationship. It takes focusing on the behaviors, rather than on the emotions, seeing to it that in the ways we behave(regardless of how we feel),  we do-no-harm to the other. And that at least from time to time, what we say and do expresses affection and appreciation of the other.

Regarding your therapy, you wrote that you “have a habit of falling back on a lot of the advice and guidance”, because of “intrusive thoughts and anxiety that overwhelm me. I can’t figure out how to calm this anxiety yet”-

–  you experience intense emotions, too intense to allow for rational thinking and recalling the concepts and coping skills that you learned in therapy. It is true for everyone: intensity of emotions hijacks the rational part of our brains.

Here is another therapeutic concept: emotional regulation skills. Good therapy starts with these skills aimed at lowering the intensity of distressing emotions so that we are able to think rationally and recall those coping skills you mentioned. I believe that your hope is in learning those skills. Learning these skills cannot be a purely academic endeavor, it will have to involve lots of practical application, and it will take a lot of time and a lot of practice. It is hard work, but I don’t know  of any other way to proceed in healing.

anita