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confusing breakup that I am making worse

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  • #365429
    Maya
    Participant

    I’m dealing with my first heartbreak during such a weird, confusing time. I’ve lost such a huge support system and feel lost. I can’t believe I’ve gotten to the point where I am honing in on wanting the support of one, specific person. Shouldn’t I be happy with any support that comes my way?

    For a while, I hadn’t felt like my needs were being met in the relationship–I wanted more communication and reassurance from him which he’s not used to. I felt like I lost a bit of myself when we were dating–not just from his actions, but just because it was all so new to me. But the way I finally communicated to him my feelings and vulnerabilities was a huge anxious blow-up (during my birthday no less)–and of course that overwhelmed and pushed him away. I initiated the breakup. He didn’t know how to meet in the middle in terms of communication and trust. Which led me to crave and be codependent of his attention. Even though everything else in the relationship felt workable and exciting.

    And once he was gone, panic sunk in–how did I just lose/break up with someone I love? Why couldn’t I make it work? I begged him to talk to me some more. This led to a very brief reconciliation, but afterward, he realized how much work he needed to do for himself to ever be in a relationship and how he couldn’t do that with me. I really thought maybe we could work on ourselves while being in a relationship but maybe not? He tells me he loves me, but he feels broken like he can’t get to the point of emotional intimacy with me. This has been such a confusing, insurmountable loss I feel–ultimately, deep down this seems for the best to work on ourselves, but I just really miss having him as support and hearing his thoughts.

    I know I need to give him space and time (and allow myself space and time), but my anxiety and panic feel so heavy and urgent. I keep messaging and calling and overstepping boundaries. I feel manipulative. I feel wild because he always told me if I needed to talk, to just talk to him, but I never did that while we were in the relationship due to fear of being too needy or too much. But now, when I feel I need to talk, I talk. I reach out at the most inopportune time. I am not entitled to him.

    I called my ex yesterday just cause I wanted to know how he was and he was fine. We had a conversation like normal. Which made me more confused. I feel like we both are emotionally unavailable but in such different ways. But in that half-hour call, everything felt very chill and like no heartbreak or bad energy towards each other. So it’s like…where’s the disconnect? What went wrong?

    The call gave me a lot of wishful thinking. But I know I need to let go. These past few weeks, I’ve barely eaten, I stayed inside, I drank a lil too much, I was in and out of sleep. I feel toxic.

    I just feel very confused and hurt by the situation. His want to work on himself makes me feel rejected? And that’s so awful to know that’s how I feel! And maybe with time and space, it will be ok, but I just feel bad for being so reactionary with my anxiety. Like I never give myself the opportunity to step back sometimes. My friends, parents, and therapists (yup, I do 1:1 and group therapy!) have been guiding lights, but man, I just feel like this pain won’t ever release.

    #365473
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Maya:

    “I hadn’t felt like my needs were being met in the relationship- I wanted more communication and reassurance from him.. he can’t get to the point of emotional intimacy with me”

    – the words and terms I italicized are vague/ general, they could mean different things for different people, so I don’t know what to respond to. If you want to, please clarify these terms, and give examples wherever possible.

    anita

    #365476
    Tim
    Participant

    @Maya

    That was a difficult read – paragraphs may help in future haha

    From what I have gathered, you initiated a break up because your needs were not being met but you now regret your decision and are experiencing heartbreak? Well, it doesn’t seem like anything acrimonious has happened. It is a case of two broken people coming together and trying to fix one another instead of each individual fixing oneself first. I think if you respect his wishes for space and go and work on your issues and vice versa there is a chance you can both reconcile and build a stronger foundation for a relationship to flourish. Relationships do not work on love alone it takes a lot of effort and that is impossible if you are coming to the table with undealt baggage or issues.

    Heartbreak itself is the worse pain imaginable, unlocatable so you find it harder to fix or nurture oneself as you would with a broken limb or open visible wound. I’ve been there, so this is going to sound tough but your behavior indicates attachment issues, and a need to get a grasp on your anxiety. I have been there, if you do not develop sufficient coping mechanisms and discover where these thoughts are arising from you will just continue to behave in a self-sabotaging manner, irrationally and based on your fears which leads to toxicity in relationships. So if you love this man, and want it to work the best thing to do right now is step away and work on your issues, it is no longer about him. Until you can learn to be self-sufficient, love yourself, more in control of your emotions I suggest you steer clear of relationships because if you continue as you are you will do more damage to yourself in the long run.

    This is also your first relationship so I sympathise, when you have never experienced emotions like this it can be overwhelming to learn to label your emotions and sit with them rather than being so reactionary. Develop your emotional intelligence, this helps to be more tactful and self-aware. You are getting therapy so you clearly are someone who wants to grow. So do just that focus on your growth and everything else will fall into place. Dwelling on things outside of your control will just hinder your development. Someone putting themselves first is not a reflection on you, it is just self-love in this scenario. He comes across as a man who wants to be fully emotionally available to a person he is in a relationship with rather than someone selfish that only cares about his own needs. Allow him the space to do that.

    Top tip from a man; pestering a man when he wants space will just make him lose attraction and do you no favours.

    Good luck doll.

    Tim

    #365488
    Maya
    Participant

    He needs a lot of time. Often, I couldn’t get in contact with him for days or hours. I asked for check-ins–like “Good mornings” and “How are you’s” and he responded, “I don’t need that.” He also just generally is a very busy person for a relationship with his work (he could be working until 11 pm). He would seldom respond to my texts after a while, figuring if I needed something I would reach out. I often felt discouraged to reach out though… since he would never respond. I think he felt the relationship was going well and didn’t realize I still needed reassurance and effort. I think he felt angry about that when I told him, but at that point, I was so fed up by my anxiety and for feeling abandoned that I didn’t want to continue.  When I asked to talk again after our initial breakup, I asked what his needs were and he said he didn’t have any. That he was completely self-sufficient and reliant upon himself. He never wanted to fully put me in his life, although he did have a lot of fantasies about me in his life–marriage, retirement, buying a house.

    #365489
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Maya:

    I would like to re-read your two posts (as well as anything you may add) when I am more focused, in about 12 hours from now and respond further. But for now: if he was able to have contact with you but “for days”, and he chose to not respond to you, that is suspicious behavior on his part.

    “He would seldom respond to my texts.. I often felt discouraged to reach out though.. since he would never respond”, you wrote in your recent post. Yet in your original post you wrote: “I’m dealing with my first heartbreak.. I’ve lost such a huge support system and feel lost”-

    – a man who didn’t respond to you for hours and days…  that was “a huge support system” for you?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by .
    #365492
    Tim
    Participant

    I see, after that information, it is evident he is not invested in the relationship. Men make time for people they want. No one is too busy for a quick text, you were not a priority I’m afraid. You will not get your needs met by this person unless he chooses to make you a priority and give you his full attention – something which he may not be capable of without growth or he just didn’t feel a strong enough desire to do so for you. Do not take this too personally, you tried to make things work but never lose yourself over another man. Only invest in a relationship where your needs are being met too, you’ve done the right thing to walk away. If you stayed it would exacerbate your anxiety and make you feel worse.

    #365507
    Maya
    Participant

    He provided such inconsistent love–a mix of trying his best and nonperformance (complete distance which was such a relief for him). Meanwhile, the inconsistency caused me to attach so much harder, wanting to find any crumbs of his love. I’m not secure and I need to work on myself. It’s both our faults and not at the same time. We just have a lot of things we need to work on.

    #365510
    Tim
    Participant

    Ahh doll, he was probably using the push/pull technique on your heartstrings. Immature or underdeveloped men play mind games. I’ve done it myself, you are not to blame, by its very nature these games lead to the woman falling hard without even realising. You see us men usually really do want true love, and down deep we crave companionship and know we would be happier more content and more sexually satisfied if we had a stable, good relationship. The bad news is we are also scared and tend to push real intimacy or commitment away. The root cause of this behaviour is we are full of FEAR and DOUBT.

    Men can vary a great deal in just how stuck they are. But the vital question to ask is, “Is he willing to grow? That is, work his way out of his own self-sabotaging pattern?” If a guy is a good person who is attracted to you, self-reflective, working on his issues, and crazy about you, he is a keeper. Once again, no man is perfect. Of course, neither are you. So ask yourself: How much does this man want to have love, that is, love with you in his life? What is he willing to do or change to have that special, lasting experience?” These questions will tell you if it is worth fighting for or moving on.

    If he is saying move along after your effort, take his word and leave him. If he has any sense he will do the work and fight. If he doesn’t he has proven to be incapable of change for you. During this time focus on yourself and finding happiness within, you will naturally come out the winner and may no longer want a fixer-upper.

    Below are the variants of types of men who push-pull, I’ve copied and pasted to explain to you about their behaviour;

    Five deadly dating patterns

    1. The savior

    He is a super-duper caretaker, a Mr. Fix-It who tries to be romantic too. Your happiness is his happiness. And he doesn’t have much happiness of his own. Underneath it all he is insecure and feels not good enough — so he seems clingy and smothering

    Degree of difficulty: 4

    If you are firm and he realizes he has to find his own happiness and stand up for himself or lose you, he will step up. Over time he could evolve into a great partner

    2. The coward

    He is afraid of honest straight talk and very afraid of conflict. If differences come up he pulls away and prefers to communicate by e-mail or texts

    Degree of difficulty: 4

    Many men have some degree of this pattern. You can breakthrough by using positive talk, where you present your concerns in a loving, warm, and clear way. Once you develop a way to navigate conflict, “the coward” can grow into a wonderful Mr. Right

    3.The super romantic flame-out

    He is totally on your wavelength and crazy about you from the very first e-mail or glance at your photo. Chances are he is a serial monogamist who has brief periods of being in mad, passionate love with you, then the next, and the next one, following the path of chemistry, wherever it may lead

    Degree of difficulty: 8
    Take it slow and easy to make him prove himself. If he doesn’t, be ready to bail.

    4. The grass-is-greener type

    He has a hard time making up his mind, like he is never sure that the job he has is really the best one for him. Online dating has made this pattern very common. Because there is such a smorgasbord of women, men with this inclination are constantly looking to see whether they can do better

    Degree of difficulty: 8
    If he is very true to type, he will be mortally terrified of “settling” — as in, settling down with you. It is usually best to move on before he does

    5. The slacker

    He has grand dreams and plans that have been just over the horizon for years. He may be cute and engaging as he passionately describes all that he is going to do. But this is the guy who consistently shoots himself in the foot so that he misses the finish line. He didn’t finish anything — not his degree, his new Web site, his new book, project or the very deal that will get him ahead

    Degree of difficulty: 8
    Unless he has started to seriously engage in therapy or coaching, you will not be able to rescue this guy. No, not even you

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by Tim.
    #365516
    Maya
    Participant

    I don’t think he’s any of these. Maybe a mix of them. He’s been talking about therapy for as long as we dated–he knows he has these problems. As soon as we broke up, he sought therapy. When we reconciled briefly, he broke up with me after his first therapy appointment :/

    I think he wants to change and he has the tools. I just got hurt in the long run.

    #365518
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Maya:

    You shared that this time in your life, following the breakup with your boyfriend,  is “a weird, confusing time”, and the loss of the relationship has been “such a confusing, insurmountable loss”, “I just feel very confused”, you wrote.

    And indeed, your confusion shows:

    1. “It’s both our faults and not at the same time”- this is a confusing sentence, the first part says that both of you were at fault for the failure of the relationship, and the second part says the first part is untrue.

    2. He told you that he “didn’t have any (needs). That he was completely self-sufficient and reliant upon himself”, and he told you that “he feels broken”. Unless he broke after he told you that he is as complete as he said he was, then this is a contradiction.

    3. On one hand, he invited you to talk to him but you couldn’t: “he always told me if I needed to talk, to just talk to him, but I never did that while we were in the relationship due to fear of being too needy or too much”; on the other hand, you wanted to talk to him but he didn’t want you to talk to him: “couldn’t get in contact with him for days or hours”, “He would seldom respond to my texts.. I often felt discouraged to reach out though.. since he would never respond”.

    4. On one hand he was “emotionally unavailable” and would never respond to your messages for days;  on the other hand, he “was trying his best”, and when you lost him, you “lost such a huge support system”.

    You wrote: “These past few weeks, I’ve barely eaten, I stayed inside, I drank a lil too much, I was in and out of sleep”-  your confusion is partly a product of a poor sleep, diet and alcohol.

    Seems to me that you fell very much in love with this man, and you were very afraid to lose him, very anxious, not wanting to say the wrong thing in fear of losing him. Finally, the anxiety overwhelmed you and you blew up at him: “But the way I finally communicated to him my feelings and vulnerabilities was a huge anxious blow up.. and of course that overwhelmed and pushed him away”.

    Following the blow up and break up, you called and messaging him so often that he couldn’t and/ or wouldn’t answer so many messages and calls: “now, when I feel I need to talk, I talk. I reach out at the most inopportune time. I am entitled to him”, “I need to give him space and time. I feel manipulative”.

    You wrote that he had “a lot of fantasies” about marrying you, buying a house with you and retiring with you. I am guessing he was in love with you too.

    Am I understanding your situation correctly?

    anita

    #365519
    Maya
    Participant

    Yes, pretty much everything. A big ol paradox.

    #365520
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Maya:

    You mentioned that you attend therapy- any progress there at all, regarding increasing your clarity?

    For the purpose of decreasing your confusion and increasing your clarity, let’s look at the first contradictory statement you made: “It’s both our faults and not at the same time”-

    – there are four options regarding the fault for the failure of the relationship: (1) his fault (2) your fault (3) his and your fault (4) not his fault and not your fault.

    Which one is it (elaborate if you want to)?

    anita

    #365522
    Maya
    Participant

    Therapy has been good and fascinating! I think I know the coping skills I need to do and I know the language/lingo of some select emotions that I feel. I have a habit of falling back on a lot of the advice and guidance that I get in therapy–I think it’s because I have such intrusive thoughts and anxiety that overwhelm me. I can’t figure out how to calm this anxiety yet. I feel I know what to do, but I have not been able to actually find some sense of control.

    I think it’s not our faults because we have a lot of trauma and unresolved issues and we inadvertently trigger each other. I think it is our faults because we have not established ways to self-soothe and work on our unresolved issues and trauma.

    #365526
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Maya:

    This is how I understand your second paragraph: you and your former boyfriend suffered trauma separately, before you met. When you met and became involved with each other, your individual traumas expressed themselves in behaviors that destroyed the relationship.

    This means that the two of you contributed to the failure of the relationship. It is possible for two traumatized individuals to have a good, healthy, win-win relationship. It takes focusing on the behaviors, rather than on the emotions, seeing to it that in the ways we behave(regardless of how we feel),  we do-no-harm to the other. And that at least from time to time, what we say and do expresses affection and appreciation of the other.

    Regarding your therapy, you wrote that you “have a habit of falling back on a lot of the advice and guidance”, because of “intrusive thoughts and anxiety that overwhelm me. I can’t figure out how to calm this anxiety yet”-

    –  you experience intense emotions, too intense to allow for rational thinking and recalling the concepts and coping skills that you learned in therapy. It is true for everyone: intensity of emotions hijacks the rational part of our brains.

    Here is another therapeutic concept: emotional regulation skills. Good therapy starts with these skills aimed at lowering the intensity of distressing emotions so that we are able to think rationally and recall those coping skills you mentioned. I believe that your hope is in learning those skills. Learning these skills cannot be a purely academic endeavor, it will have to involve lots of practical application, and it will take a lot of time and a lot of practice. It is hard work, but I don’t know  of any other way to proceed in healing.

    anita

    #365527
    Tim
    Participant

    @Maya back to my original point two broken people can not fix each other. It is not a great foundation for a solid relationship. There is always a dependency to a degree in relationships as partners should be able to lean on one another for support. However, it becomes draining if your partner seeks happiness or soothing solely through you. It is not healthy and indicates attachment issues. Everyone should be self-sufficient enough to cope or soothe themselves, it makes you more resilient.

    Rather than trying to dissect the relationship focus on yourself and improve. If he does the same, you may get the opportunity to reconcile some point in the future. The main focus should now be on yourself. You can not change him, he needs to do that for himself. Whether he does/doesn’t is no longer your concern. As stated earlier you may come out of your own journey/growth no longer feeling you want him and a better idea of the type of relationship you require. The longer you try to figure him out as well as yourself the more damage you’ll do yourself and hinder the healing process.

    You can not change what has happened, but you can change the outcome of your present and future.

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