Amy,

I’m sorry for the pain and suffering you’re going through, and I’m glad that you’re looking to resolve this mysterious cycle. It is a testament to the potency of your heart that you could even consider staying with him, and I simultaneously applaud and admire that in you. As I read your words, a few things came to heart.

My teacher told me that the reason many seek to meditate (and other forms of personal development) is because they are in enough pain that to do otherwise doesn’t make sense. In this way, meditation becomes like an antacid for an upset stomach. We eat unskillfully, either in excess or content, and we are left feeling cruddy. So we pop an antacid and feel better. Then, because our stomach feels better we start thinking about dessert, or maybe just a little second helping, and the pain comes right back. So we pop another antacid. This seems like the essential nature of your cycle.

To bring it back to your specific situation, it seems like being with him is draining your energy. Some have called narcissists “energy vampires” because their self-centric view doesn’t give much back, so its like flushing energy down the toilet. You meditate, and come back to the inner Amy, who loves unconditionally and powerfully. This certainly changes everything in your view, not just your view of him, but your view of everything. The inner Amy is proud, strong and buoyant… and she parts the difficulties with simplicity and grace.

However, once you turn your attention on your ex-husband (isn’t he, after all?) that “shiny view” sees him in a hopeful light, where anything is possible. So you stop practicing meditation and self-nurturing whereby you are hit by two drains. The stopping, and his self-centeredness. He’s not the one changing, remember, your indigestion is settling, your heart clearing… you’re the one growing. So you dance a little bit in the old pattern and quickly fall back into energy depression.

The solution is really accepting that his patterns are corrosive to your well being and wish him well at a distance. Keep at the development and meditation, even when he appears to sparkle. You need to break the momentum, and so perhaps if you know “as I meditate, he (and all things) look more beautiful, but right now if I let him back in, his patterns will drain me dry. Again. And again.” In this way, meditation is no longer an antacid for an upset mind, but a proactive journey toward health and growth.

You definitely deserve that freedom, as the potency of your unbridled heart is far too rare and precious in this world to allow it to be drained by a taker. When you break free and invest that love in one who truly gives the love back, all things will be possible for you. Its just turning away from the desserts is much more difficult when the stomach feels fine, but that is the best thing we can do for ourselves. I know you can do it, just keep those feet moving!

With warmth,
Matt

Kick him to the curb…as hard as it is. Yes, you have invested a lot of time and effort in this relationship, but if he couldn’t be man enough to deal with what the problem was and decided an affair was the answer, he was never deserving of you or your children. For him to say she is his soulmate is an insult to you and very disrespectful to your relationship with Him. You do need to part ways and find peace and learn to live again for you and your kids. Wish you the best. E