8 years ago, I fell deeply and madly in love with the man I would eventually marry. Everything was wonderful, it was an incredible love story.

Until a few years ago.

He hated his job and needed a fresh start. I encouraged him to quit his job and take some time off. It was just the two of us and my job paid the bills pretty well. He eventually decided to go back to school to get a studio art degree. I fully supported the idea, I was excited for him. This would be his and our ticket to a better life…

For four years I have held down the fort, as best as I could. I’ve been the sole breadwinner and somehow trying to juggle the role of maid, cook and secretary. He loathes cleaning and comes from a house of hoarders, won’t cook and gets pissed if I clean certain areas. He is a recovering alcoholic, a workaholic and can be short tempered. I was fine with all of this until he failed a full semester of classes and lied to me for months… I still don’t know what he was doing all the time. I became increasingly paranoid about him lying and started to snoop. He computer, his emails, facebook and his cell phone. Anything i could get my hands on. I was afraid and he wouldnt talk to me. True intimacy became a thing of the past. He felt violated. I felt violated. We have been drifting apart since.  All the while quickly slipping in to excruciating debt as he refuses to get a job beyond a few small, part time, on campus student positions.

We became increasingly unhappy, bickering and distant… but I was soldiering on with the hope of our dream of a better life. This was supposed to be the hard part that you look fondly on later… Right?

And then I found out that he was cheating. With a child he met at college.

While I was trying to keep it together through illness and debt and isolation, he was romancing an 18 year old little girl. I was willing to work through this. Deal with our issues, etc. I wanted to see a counselor. He refused. He wanted to blame me and pine away for this girl. In May she started sniffing around again. And he didn’t tell her to go away, even encouraged them because he ‘fell in love’… Yeah, as soon as she found out about him being recently diagnosed with obsessive compulsive personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder she ran. She stayed around a week. Saying that she didn’t need any demons around. 

So now we are planning to get a divorce.

The problem is, we are in tremendous debt. We are planning to file bankruptcy to but can’t until he finishes a fellowship with the college that will yield a payment to cover the lawyer fees. He won’t get get a job until the fellowship ends which means that I must continue to support us. I can’t afford two households. So, I’m stuck playing house. And most of the times it’s ok, we’re friendly, we don’t fight.

The problem I’m finding is that I keep going back and forth.

I come to terms with the fact of the matter and work on me for a while. Meditation, yoga, etc. and I feel happy. I let go. I relax into the situation.

And then we have a good time together and I remember how much I still adore my husband. I see glimpses of the man that hijacked my heart. And then i start hoping to fix things. I get absorbed in that hope. And drop the self improvement to spend time with him.

But then i start to feel the tinges of resentment. I think about all that we’ve been thru. All the pain and lying and hurt and I just want to walk away and just leave him with the house and bills to deal with out of spite.

….and the cycle begins again.

I guess my question is:

How do break this cycle? How do I live like this for the next few months? How do I heal when my heart breaks almost daily? How do I stop worrying so much about what he’s doing, who he talking to, and if he’s cheating again? How do I stop the urge to snoop even though I’m just going to find out things I don’t want to know?

I feel like I’m losing my mind and I don’t know how long I can live like this. God, I’m just so exhausted!!