Hey..
I hope you’re all doing okay.. Aside from me.
I know that everyone has a story, and we all encounter various obstacles throughout this test, but some fortunate people have true friends, close ones to talk to. Which i’m currently lacking. So this might be the only place where i can speak this out and listen to what people have to say.

To begin, i will give you an introduction on myself before i focus on this dreadful separation that i’m facing.

I’m someone who grew up in a conservative household, in the middle of a confused society where you see from everything.
My parents had issues. They never got on well together and my father, being significantly older than my mother, married only with the intention of bringing children, which he got blessed with, but this marriage never lasted as they divorced when i was fairly young.

That being said, i grew up only with a mother and have seen my father over the weekends. But now that i recollect, i can clearly tell that i was an unhappy child that was swinging between two parents, but never complained.

I have been through life on my own. I made mistakes and learned, but there were things i did not have to try just to admit their wickedness.

I am 18 years old, and i did never put myself at risk. I had a mother to care for, and a younger sister to look after.

I did only drink a few times with and without my family but always kept it moderate so i never made it past the limits, i believe it’s not entertaining to cross the line and get myself vulnerable to sins and to people.

Despite being very sociable and amusing, i choose to not go out. Right now i’m just struggling to make my way through college so that i study in Europe as this is my final year, but it’s quite depressing how i’m still failing at it. The reason will be given later.

I don’t frequent people in the wrong places. I don’t do the girlfriend thing since i usually seem to be cold and unconcerned but when someone makes his way through my heart, i absolutely cherish him and make him happy. And finally, all that’s labeled as “immoral” to any sane human is undoable to me.

In short, i have preserved myself for the future. I had a passive position in everything and chose to learn by witnessing, instead of acting. So i’m pretty much qualified to differenciate right from wrong when it comes from me, or from people, and just recently, i’ve been leading my own life.

2 years ago.. I came across this.. Person.. On a video game. It was very casual at first but as she fell for me.. I thought it would have been great to give this girl a chance and acquire the knowledge of being a boyfriend. She was very nice and i loved her, but her past challenged me into allowing someone who’s normally not my type, into my life.

She did much of what i had terms against. But the way she talked.. The way she looked.. She seemed very innocent and harmless. It was my very first perspective of her and slowly, i did let down my defense and got her in. We were officially together a month later.

We had passionate love, and with time, i devoted my entire life for her.. We have made plans to move in together and slowly thought of marriage. I was utterly defenseless, and she got to be my only weakness, but i believed in her.

Gradually, she came to violate some of my personal choices but even if we were together for several months, it was too early to make terms. I was willing to fully explore her and discover her own boundaries.

She demanded permission to go out to the club with some friends i did not know, and she said it in a way where it would have appeared to be wrong incase i rejected, so i agreed.

As i said nothing, it became a habit, and my silence was perceived as an agreement. So she started going out more often and thus, deprived us from spending nights together since we usually got busy throughout the week.

I had a hard time trying to evaluate myself. I was wondering why clubs were that appealing. I got upset over how she goes out rather than spending the night with me. The atmosphere could have influenced her to do anything, especially that her friends might have been unworthy of our trust since i realised that she was not responsible on the casual days we have spent together prior to becoming a couple. She was whether dancing, or drinking, and i got sick visualising any of the two, but i did not express my disapproval, until eventually, i told myself that she was not the one, she fell into depression and as i attempted on having her back, she denied all of it so we parted ways.. I didn’t want to step against her, then blocked her on every social media, except one, skype, which i did not occasionally use.

I passed the school year and it was awful to get over her.. I got so attached regardless of what she’s done or whether she was meant to be mine or not. A few weeks later, she has texted me, and it made me happy.. She claimed that she was sorry and couldn’t get over me but something was peculiar.. She did not decide of what becomes of us.. And this is where it all starts..
A few days later, she has actually confessed that she tried to move on with someone else. She has kissed someone who was known to be a classmate, but apparently he was unable to replace me.
I got horrified the night i got to know about it. And i literally could cry while recollecting these events. I went out to buy a few things from a near supermarket while she was telling the story but she said that she had things to tell before i left home. I had an awful sensation about it, but i denied the bad outcome. When i returned, i did read her texts, cried, but by that time, she has slept.

She had threatened of killing herself if i left again. She said that she loved me, and cared for me, but i felt like garbage. She had a man on her side while i was lonely. I tried to befriend her while my insides were boiling and constantly repeated that she couldn’t have us both. She slept at his place.. Met up with friends.. Went out and carelessly lived.. While i was there..

She was regretful, and she loved me, yet, she clearly stated that she has seen the future with him more than me.

In the end, after breaking me to tiny pieces along with our forgotten relation, she said she did not need me anymore, and that she was prepared to move on. I didn’t know what to say, i did not want to grow emotional, i wished her luck, then blocked her again.

Eventually she reappared, but this time, she was single. She told me that she broke up with him while did not resist at all cause all he was after is sex.

I didn’t know how bold she was for actually telling me that but, i appreciated her honesty the same way i was grateful that it didn’t happen cause i felt his intentions. Someone who would jump straight on someone who’s drunk due to her depression caused by a recently ended relation cannot be clean.. But she still holds the blame cause she went for it, she went out with him to party and ended crashing at his place.

A year ago, we have been together again, and many good things have happened. We met.. I went to Germany and we have shared great times together this last January, we even had great sex but.. The past does not seem to matter to her. She still goes out sometimes and all i do is get cold about it. I loose my passion and i just.. Speak to her normally, while she hates that.
She wants to do her things and expects me to act normal as she returns home, asks that we sleep over a call which i don’t get the desire of doing, and this in itself is a psychosis i share with my father. Bipolar disorder. And she neglects it.

No matter how much i seem to take, it is endless.. And for the past few months we have endured countless of breakups.. But i always got worried and didn’t mind caring for her when she asked for it. So this last Sunday, i

Her innocence is now away and can’t confirm itself. The very first foundation of our relation has been completely demolished.. Which kept us on alert but good things kept us together, such as our future expectations but they can be regarded as a lie as long as the present demonstrates something different. But in a way.. She made me very happy..
I have lost my self esteem and i hated myself when she moved on with someone else right after the announcement of my concerns and prior to the official breakup, i knew this after her status on facebook when i added her again, after her confession.

Now it seems like she’s getting a hold of it.. And i guess she’s making her way out.. But i’m so reluctant.. I don’t want her to text me again if we both move on, and i’m left with this complex of inferiority..

She sometimes approached me on how she lost friends because of me but then claims that only i mattered.. She’s been dishonest many times and i honestly was never able to fully trust her again. I only believed in hope, and thought this might progress, but it still didn’t.. I’m still terrified about what i must witness while i’m with this woman..

The relation has confirmed the judgments i have made on people and how certain circumstances could lead to undesirable outcomes.. I hate how her sweet face and adorable soul can commit such things… And i despise myself for still thinking of her and not finally ditching her. So i hold a question. Must i now block her and focus on my school performance which got poor because of my depression and those moments of despair? Or must i speak to her?
She means so much to me but you do know what she has potential of doing.. She made promises but i really never grant my full trust to someone, and especially not anymore, since i had to endure all this because of an unwise choice.

I’m so unprepared of engaging into any relation for a while now.. But i do have a question that irritates me, must i really get through clubs and all the things nowadays teenagers do if i get myself a girlfriend? And at which extend must i refuse it?

This might lack details because i’m not in my best state since that i’m quite lost.. But if you do have any further questions.. Please do not hesitate to ask..

What you say will really matter, and thank you in advance.