Dear MG03:

You are welcome and regarding you calling me an angel- it brought about my  first smile of the day, so thank you!

“when I will tell him that we won’t talk privately anymore”- you can talk with him privately, as in no one is there to hear what the two of you are talking, but don’t spend time with him privately in the sense that there will be an opportunity for the two of you to kiss and become physically affectionate and sexual. In other words: talking is okay; physical contact is not okay.

“Do you have any tips as how I convince him with my decision and make sure that he understands to not spend extra time with me?”-

At this point, it is okay for the two of you to be talking, about anything and everything, no limit- so don’t worry on the talking front. Worry about one and only one front: no physical contact with him.

It is your right as a woman to not be touched by a man against your wishes. Tell him that you do not want to have any physical contact with him whatsoever: not at work and not outside of work.

If he does not respect this assertion (no physical contact), then he is a bad man. If he is a bad man, then it doesn’t make sense that you need to “convince him”  of anything. It is similar to you having to convince a rapist that he shouldn’t rape you.

I hope you can see my logic here: it is  not that you are trying to not talk with him, or that you are telling him to not talk with you anymore. The only thing you should focus on at this point is: no physical contact.

I  hope you don’t think that it is too much to demand from him, that he doesn’t touch you and have sex with you???

anita

Dear MG03:

I don’t think that chatting with him will harm his personal life or yours at this point. In this complicated situation you are in, best to tackle the situation step by step, one step at a time. First step is to let him know that there will be no physical contact between the two of you at work and outside of work, none whatsoever, and make sure this is so.

I don’t know what second step you should take, if any, after this first step. It remains to be seen, or figured out, later. For now, talk with him to your heart’s content, talk to him honestly. Aim more than to comfort him; aim at understanding him better by asking him questions about his state of mind and his life. For example, ask him how he feels when  he is with his wife, being physically intimate with her. Ask any question that you are curious about. And if you want, I’ll be glad to help you process the information you receive from him.

anita

Dear MG03:

You are welcome. What I understand so far about his sex life with his wife: he gets aroused with her, able to sexually perform, but he never initiates, it is she who initiates and insists that he has  sex with her. So he obeys because he doesn’t want to get in trouble with her. He obeys her.

In the context of him telling you about his sex life with his wife, he paid you a.. compliment: that he thinks about you when he is with her.

I will be able to add to the above, and learn more otherwise, after you share with me his reply  tomorrow. Looking forward to your next post, anytime.

anita

• This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by .

Dear MG03:

Did I understand correctly: when you told him that you will no longer have a physical relationship, he said: “I will follow your orders” , as in I will obey you (similar to how he obeys his wife.. and his parents)?

4- 5 hours later he said that after the lockdown he wants a one time hug from you.

So he.. followed your orders for 4 or 5 hours before he suggested to not follow your orders after the lockdown.

anita

Dear MG03:

You told him that “we won’t have any physical relation”, he said: “yes fine. We won’t have. I will follow your orders”, and then 4-5 hours later he went back on his word, suggesting that you will have a physical relation/ a hug.

You wrote: “I feel that he thought of everything in a few hours and then his emotions made him say that he wants to hug for  once”- I don’t know what he was thinking in the few hours. You wrote that he was upset about work, so maybe he was thinking about work and hardly about you.

My point is, that you can’t trust a man who goes back on his word; a man who heard you say what you want, and a few hours later he disrespects you by suggesting to undo what you want, and do what he wants!

anita

Dear MG03:

“he will do it for once and then I can decide what I want”- but you already told him what you wanted, and he already said that “he will follow your orders”!

“So maybe I can observe his reaction when I meet him”- exactly my suggestion: that you observe him, listen to him and learn who he is. This is what I am doing as you share with me your observations and what he says to you.

Notice my following point: I have no doubt that he likes you, this is not the question. The question is: who is he (does he lie, does he tell half truths, is he trustworthy), and what is the nature of his liking you (does he value you, and respect you in addition to liking you)?

So take your time, observe and learn and I’ll be glad to learn together with you.

anita