Hi Kate,

I’m just so confused, I actually feel really calm even though my life is in limbo.

This I would consider the norm in this situation. There is clearly something affecting your husband, whether it be stress, it could even be something he has recently experienced or heard from someone/ something. In saying that, he also seems to be contemplating why he is feeling this way. I’m not quite sure what advice i could give, except possibly keeps us updated on the situation. Nothing particularly is out of place here. It’s (IMO) normal to wake and feel the complete opposite to what you felt the day before, we aren’t machines! Feelings much like anything are not fixed nor stable, they are constantly changing and evolving based on influences, experiences and time itself. Often we take for granted that being ‘in love’ will continue or that somethings are meant to last in there ‘complete’ stage forever. Maybe your husband didn’t expect things to change? Maybe he thought things would be different and he is trying to figure out where exactly things went from good to out of place. Also someone who is depressed, doesn’t always know they are depressed. My uncle didn’t know he was depressed, he just thought (being a typical Aussie bloke) that he needed to harden up and deal with work, relationships and raising a child by himself (he is divorced with a teenager). Sometimes we think we are stronger than we actually are, it’s only when we face challenges that we learn more about ourselves.

We, as humans continually accept things without understanding them, it’s just easier that way. I think you are both very brave, firstly you’re giving your husband some breathing room to understand what’s going on in his head. And he is brave to be honest with you. However i would stress that removing the wedding band and even opening a bank account seems pretty preemptive if he is ‘just’ trying to understand what he is feeling, but i won’t assume anymore. Two weeks isn’t much time, how long have you been married for? Has this ever happened before? not this exact situation, but something like it?

I’m glad your calm, in the face of uncertainty and/ or change. Keep us posted if you want. Hopefully more people will give some better advice than myself. I feel as if i haven’t done much for you at all 😉

Sincerely,
Matty

Kate,

I do find it interesting that you have been together for 5 years before marrying. Not that i saying it’s strange or anything. But perhaps since it’s fairly early into the marriage after being together for so long, maybe your husband is dealing with certain expectations he might of had when you both married. Maybe there is this ‘pressure’ to married life he was unaware of, whether it exists or not is irrelevant, the perception it’s real is more than enough. Maybe the direction was intended to be different? Did you guys have any particular goals or directions where you wanted to go? Have either one of you drastically changed after marriage?

I don’t know if this has affected my husband but for the first few years of our relationship, it was centred on his mum and her treatment.

This might sound really really strange, but maybe the fact that life centered around his mother was the balancing act, the one thing that didn’t change, was his mother’s treatment towards him. He expected it, in a way. It’s kind of like, being given a candy for just being yourself. It’s nice, but after a couple more times you get used to it, you stop questioning why this is happening and accepting it. Eventually it becomes just a burden you accept. This is in your husband’s mind = stability (i’m just assuming, hope to be wrong). It seems to me that your husband’s mother played quite a big role, it could be because he may not of had enough closure (maybe he wanted to say something to her, tell her something?)that he feels something is off.

It’s only now that everything seems to be going right for us (job, home etc.) that this has come up

Yeah, this is great news! maybe it’s because your husband has time to catch his breath, maybe he has had time to reflect, maybe he feels he hasn’t earnt everything he has in his life now, everything from the job, to the home….even you. When your in the thick of it you go from motion to motion in order to achieve your goals, you put your head down and go for it.

Has he spoken to you again recently? Seen the counselor? I’m just trying to think of any questions to ask to understand more about this situation. I know you are confused, but you know him better than i ever could, or anyone here….has he changed? Have you changed? Sometimes the smallest of details can influence bigger ones.

What do you think?
Matty

Kate,

I’m sorry to hear this.

I’m not sure, honestly what to write, i feel that no matter what i write or question, it’s truly your husband who needs to answer and understand these. I could continue to generalize or assume, but that’s not right. I guess you are already racking your brain for answers, and i don’t want to make you scratch harder for the sake of my curiosity. PLease keep updating this post, whether to add your thoughts or ask more questions or advice, since it’s quite late here, maybe the other side of the world will arise to a new day soon and offer more useful advice. I truly hope that everything works out.

Sincerely,
Matty